Passed onto another generation

[Chocolatebunnie]

I grew up in a home where my parents fought. My dad threw things and I witnessed coffee tables being thrown, plates, dinners and my mum knocked to the floor.

I lied from an early age that my mum had gone to hospital, or something else along these lines, to people that knew us family friends. They’d go see my mum ask why I’d said it, I was small and possibly couldn’t make sense of what was happening.

My mum was abused in all ways by her parents and my dad was by his too.

It’s affected me throughout my life from the anxiety as a child, extreme separation anxiety from my mum I kept wanting to go home from school to be with her I heard an ambulance at school and immediately panicked it was my mum.I pretended to be sick always, I was actually sick leaving for school in the morning.

I’ve tried to except the reason for this is they were damaged. I’ve even been able to forgive them, it wasn’t their fault how they were treated. My dad couldn’t be close to me as he felt it would protect me from whatever monster he felt he could be.

He still isn’t affectionate, we don’t converse properly, he’s stern when he talks to me and it makes me edgy and it still affects me. My mum and I talk well now and she understands, it’s taken years to get there.

It does pass down, as my sibling is going through some bad times as they are now a abuser his wife has left. I’ve supported him as I have to however that aside it’s opened old wounds and I am angry my dad has passed this down to next generation

It is passed on as I myself have been in several abusive relationships, and am not able to tryst my judgement. I am my mum.

My husband has his moments and I doubt myself he is abusive as I am damaged. It’s jyst a bad marriage and he thinks I’m still deeply trouble which is affecting us.

So much so he has said he can’t take much more, has left me so confused and I know I need counselling. I think he’s abusive and outsiders, my kids counsellors and school have said so, but I can’t make sense of whose to blame. I guess it’s me, then it opens a can of worms and I feel it’s all my fault

[Iwantmeback]

Hi chocolatebunny first, well done in posting such a hard subject, secondly this is not your fault. I’m only now seeing how my own dad is towards the female sex. How ingrained it is in him, so I see how I became involved with my OH. Have to go just now will catch this topic up later on. Xx

[Flowerchild]

Darling, your bad experiences don’t excuse or explain your husband’s behaviour. This mess is not your fault.

It might be that he saw you as a soft target, but that is his wrongdoing, not yours.

Patterns of abuse certainly are often passed down the generations, but they don’t have to be. You can break the cycle of abuse but you will need help to do it.

Coming on here and talking to others who understand is a great first step, I think!

Flower x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear chocolatebunny

I am so sorry you have suffered abuse.

It isn’t your fault, and you have been very unlucky. Thankfully not everyone whos been abused abuses others. Not all men end up haying women and blaming them for their own ills.

Have you spoken to your gp to get some longer term therapy to help you recover from your childhood abuses and to regain your trust in yourself and boundaries so it’s clear whose responsible for what in relationships.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

*hating

[diymum@1]

this isnt your fault you were a young child trying to deal with lots of caos around you. unfortunately it sounds like your husband has played on this. we all tend to blame ourselves bit i think that is because we are responsible people and abusers wont take any responsibility, ever. so we take it on board but its not our to own. it dosent gake those feelings away me saying this is 100% NOT your fault. TS is right it takes lots of help and support to come to this realisation for yourself xxxx youve done your very best by the sounds of it xx sending you a hug love diymum

[diymum@1]

i can say now, i dont feel what happened was my fault and my situation was very similar to yours xxxx

[Lisa]

Hello Chocolatebunnie,

I just wanted to show you some support. Thank you so much for your brave and honest post. I am so sorry for what you experienced as a child and for your situation now. You are not to blame in either situations and I hope that reaching out here will be the start of a change for the better for you. Please do phone the helpline when you get a safe time to do so. They will not tell you what to do but they will offer you some advise and support to help you feel clearer about your situation and your options. Your local Women’s Aid group will be well placed to offer you ongoing support, you can find them under the ‘find help locally’ section.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Chocolatebunnie]

Appreciate the replies and I am waiting for counselling, Im finding it overwhelming that not only have I been through this but that it is repeating with my brother in his life, and that my kids too are being affected, it is a whole whirlwind of emotions and cant even begin to get my head around it.

I think the worse part is the doubting myself and the guilt toward my kids that this is happening again.

Thanks for the support x*x

[Author]

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