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    • #78470
      KIP.
      Participant

      I read that this can be a symptom of abuse. I was terrible for not being able to say no. The anxiety this would bring was unbelievable so I simply went along with things for fear of upsetting people, still not putting myself first. It’s okay to say no. To put yourself first. To feel that you are worthy, that you are important. I said no recently and there was a terrible backlash for me. But that’s not my problem. If other people cannot handle the word no then that’s their problem no mine. Say no more often. Put yourself first more often. Recognise that you’re allowed to say no. Give yourself permission to say no. Although there was backlash I feel empowered now. It’s my life, my decisions and I take ownership and I decide x

    • #78476
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I found myself in all sorts of scrapes and spending a lot of time doing stuff I didnt want to do for others. No more. I have become reclusive and often hide out from friends because being in a relationship with someone to me means doing some stuff you dont want to do, that you do purely for your friend’s happiness or to make things easier for them and I am nowhere near ready to give to anyone selflessly again just yet – I need support myself, you got to feel well before you can give so I just don’t have it atm.

      I actually lost a lot of freinds when I stopped doing for them – quite a large number of folk have never even asked me how I am since I dropped off the edge of the planet – but I am perfectly ok with this as I dont want to be doing for them all the time so I can feel like I’m in the gang and invited to parties which I could also do without.

      I like to think I will say no to folk when I need to in future, but being a recluse means I’m not getting much practice in lol. I do know I can assert myself when needed now, say no in a polite and kind way, I do get rail roaded sometimes, I think we all do, but I’ve started to say sorry I changed my mind, you know, after when I’ve had time to think about what the hell just happened here lol. I was recently asked if I wnated to do something for my birthday with a friend, it was on text so I had time to think, I replied thanks everso but no thanks – it was all fine, the sky didnt fall in lol and I get to do exactly what I’d like on the day.

      Think this is the practice stuff for when we really need to say no to those who continually don’t respect boundaries, ours and other peoples, those who always drive their own angenda, the selfish. I’ve drawn a line with my sister in law and yes while I do feel for my bro, who I love dearly, I simply can’t have anything to do with her, if I do she causes yet more trouble, it has to be no contact, no further abuse and manipulation, she will manipulate any situation and anything I do or dont do, so I had to remove myself. Like you KIP I feel good for standing up to this and saying no. I feel for my bro having to mange this but I really dont see another way forwards, she is never going to stop pretending, playing the victim, manipulating, lying. I respect his choices, always, even when I think they are poor or unwise, we all make em sometimes hey; so it is what it is I guess. Guess thats why he respects my choice here too.

      Family is important to me, but I have drawn the line with some family members and I have no regrets at all; I feel much better in myself for not having to deal with one rubbish thing to the next. I’m free to be and I reckon that is the best way.

      Let ’em get on with it hey KIP x

    • #78479
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi fizzy, yes family is important for me too however if I cannot help myself I cannot help anyone else so I always think about that oxygen mask on the plane where is says to get your own mask on before you help others. When and if I was in a better place then perhaps I could have said yes, but her complete overreacting to my refusal just confirms I need to keep my distance. I’m not prepared to walk on eggshells anymore for anyone. I see it as self preservation rather than selfish. It’s kind of like your brother and sister in law. For me it’s my sister and my mum. Not so long ago I would be doubting my decision wracked with guilt (which her email tried to make me feel). I recognise emotional and financial abuse and I won’t allow it. Maybe some good has come from an abusive relationship after all lol. Ive been reclusive for several years and I’m now trying to break that behaviour because I’m beginning to enjoy company again. I was happy to sit and do nothing while I recovered so I think it’s positive that I’m dipping my toe back into a social scene x slowly.

    • #78480
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      I was talking about this just this week with a group I belong to!

      We discussed ways of saying no, and came up with some ideas to practise in the mirror,:

      ‘Thanks for asking me – it sounds worthwhile but it’s not for me.”

      “I will pass and let somebody else have a turn/take that opportunity.”

      “I hope you find the right person to do that; it’s not for me.”

      The key message is, never apologise: never explain. The moment you say what else you’re doing with your time or money, you show you are open to persuasion.

      Remember they say a man’s no is the end of the conversation; a woman’s no is the start of the negotiation. We need to say a man’s type of no: clear, short and simple.

    • #78482
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      No is a complete sentence.

      Thats so true Flower, that a woman tends to justify her ‘no’ instead of saying ‘no thanks’ and moving on.

      Womens socialisation/’nice’/’good’ girl syndrome.

      If someone cant accept your boundary they are the one with the problem. You done good KiP to say ‘no’ and step away, not getting drawn into the fallout, or self-guilt and angst from that.

      We can be kind and caring women whilst having healthy boundaries and choices.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #78483
      KIP.
      Participant

      I think you have to be in a certain place where you don’t feel guilty. Or you can live with the guilt. A few months ago I would have said yes because I would feel like I was letting someone down or scared of the consequences or just felt guilty and struggled on but now I recognise that it’s something that adds to my stress. When you explain this and are called a liar, where do you go from there? For me it involved trying to explain my decision which was nobodies business. This opened up the door as you say for ‘negotiation’ which was never on the cards. So sadly I’m having to keep my sister at arms length. I told her I wasn’t going to allow her to dictate to me when and where I go.

    • #78484
      KIP.
      Participant

      I like that TS. Kind and caring with healthy boundaries.

    • #78485
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Who knew!!!

    • #78486
      KIP.
      Participant

      Next time I’m using that line on my sister 😂

    • #78487
      Doris
      Participant

      It is the guilt trip that stops us saying ‘no’- we are or have been conditioned to feel guilt if we say no.
      I read somewhere that shame is the most effective tool over all the emotions to manipulate and control.
      As soon as I recognise feelings of guilt or shame about something I stop myself because I now recognise the guilt is all about manipulation and how we have been exposed to it.
      People who really care would not give a fig if someone said ‘no’ to them. But it is about unlearning and the first step is to recognise the feeling of guilt because it is not always clear when it underlies a decision – if that makes sense.

    • #78488
      Doris
      Participant

      I love that – one to remember – so true:
      ‘a man’s no is the end of the conversation; a woman’s no is the start of the negotiation’

    • #78503
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Saying no means risking disapproval, the trick is to say no anyway if that’s what you need to do hey, to genuinely feel it’s ok for people to think whatever they want about you. I get diapproving looks these day on the school run – it actually makes me giggle now, but at one time it was difficult to bare on top of going through an abusive seperation.

      This is definately part of the silver lining KIP, being able to assert one’s self and be free to be for sure x

    • #78504
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s a huge leap forward for me. Another surprise. Another improvement. A pleasant surprise and unexpected. I didn’t even recognise my previous behaviour. Yes, I recognise also the shame and paranoia has passed too. Let them talk. I have the answers now x

    • #78505
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      It can be hard to let others down, that just shows compassion and consideration.

      Its normal to have some understanding of othera feelings might they might feel let down,but theres a difference between acknowledging that and prioritising it above our own needs and wishes.

      Decent people tell you who they are by their acceptance and not blaming/punishing.

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