People talking to my abuser

[Weemebreeze]

Hi all,

I’ve posted a few times recently but I’m back again. 😊I’ve been free for a few months and working my way through this really difficult time. I live in a really small area and my abuser is only here because of me. He’s now living with his new partner and his secret child in the house I bought with him. The neighbours all know about the violence and how he violently assaulted me. I was told repeatedly after leaving that they were “on my side” but recently all I’ve heard is how they’ve been speaking to him, allowing their kids to play with their kids etc and I just can’t understand this and feel so hurt. If they know he’s violent, he assaulted me, tortured me etc then I just don’t understand why these neighbours, who I’ve known for decades, are giving him and his parter the time of day? I just feel like no one other than the women on here, really understand. I’m running out of friends to speak to as they just don’t get it – they agree what he did was horrendous but they seem to think it’s in the past and that I should “move on” when I’m not there yet. I’m still deeply traumatised and trying to process everything.

[Anonymous]

Hi, this sounds horrible for you, but try not to take it personally. Its really unlikely to be any reflection on you.
People like an easy life. No one likes disputes with neighbours. It’s much easier to pass the time of day and be civil than to have stress on the doorstep. If they know he can be violent then they may not want to antagonise him.
Kids also want to play with each other and again it could cause issues if they tried to stop that.
Keep your head up high, keep your good friends close and get some legal advice about the house. If you bought it together then you need to see what your share is etc.
I know how it feels when friends don’t understand and expect you to move on quickly. Breaking free from the trauma of an abusive relationship takes a lot longer than non abusive separations. Have you got some counselling? Also contact your local WA for support.
Good luck

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Marmot, thanks very much for taking time to reply. Deep down I know you’re right – people don’t want stress on their doorstep and I definitely think there’s a fear factor because they know he was violent to me. I had a great councillor but she recently told me she thought I was making great progress and should consider stepping away from our sessions. I know it sounds really silly but I felt a sense of rejection. My gp has been great and the surgery have a mental health professional who is supporting me. Im going to pursue a different councillor and get back in touch with my WA case worker. Thank you again x

[Put the kettle on]

Hi Weemebreeze,
As well as being violent, abuser’s are master manipulators who play the victim to gain sympathy from others, this is probably what’s been going on and because you live in a small community he’ll enjoy first hand your pain and responses.
It must be so hard for you feeling like you’re losing friends, true/real friends will believe you and stand by you. They may not stay in his company long when he starts to show his other side, which he will eventually.
I too lost most of my friends, or who I thought were friends and I felt so alone. I also often feel the only people who understand are the ladies on here. Are there any local domestic abuse services available for you to talk to? Also the women’s aid helpline.
Recovery is a long slow process and there’s absolutely no way you should just move on, how healthy would that be when you need to process what’s happened to you. Try to take the time to focus on you and your health and wellbeing. As hard as it may be, tell people you have no interest in what he’s doing. No contact is an important tool for recovery.

[Weemebreeze]

Hi put the kettle on,

Thank you very much – you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. He was telling one of the neighbours how stressed he was and how he’s started smoking to cope! Classic manipulation to make her feel sorry for him. Urgh – these men are the worst. I spent so much of my time feeling sorry for him, I should be wise to his tactics by now. You’re completely right re the no contact – I’ve been feeling proud that I’ve managed to have no contact with him for months but the key thing I’m not doing is telling people to stop talking to me about him and telling me what he’s up to. Yesterday was a good example – I started my day well then met a friend who told me all about what he’s been up to and it completely knocked me for six. I find it hard when people speak to me about him with no filter – it’s so hard trying to process everything I hear. I should do myself a favour and stop the info coming in as it’s not helping me. Thank you again. It’s so massively helpful to talk to people who understand x

[Eggshells]

Hi Weemebreeze

I understand that it can be baffling and really hurtful when this happens.

I recently cut a friend off because I heard she’d been socialising with my ex. If he was a convicted rapist she wouldn’t dream of socialising with him but because he’s not convicted, she somehow manages to turn a blind eye to his crimes and cozy up to the charming side of him.

People are odd creatures at times. When abusive men are being nice, we all know how comfortable it can be to spend time with them and turn a blind eye to the bad side. Most of the ladies on the forum have done exactly that with their own partners; some of us have done it for decades. So I can kind of see how friends and neighbours might do the same thing, especially if it’s not actually them that have been hurt by him. There is a bit of ostrich in most of us and it’s easier to bury our heads in the sand so we don’t see the scarey stuff.

That doesn’t make it any less hurtful or any less isolating for you. This is a village where you grew up and where your family are if I remember correctly so I get that what I am about to say will be hard for you. I think you need to start to consider your options. Moving away might seem impossibly hard for you but it might be worth considering. You don’t have to go far, just far enough not to share your space and your neighbours with him.

You don’t have to go right away, you’ll need to process the idea first. Going completely non contact realky is the only way forward. Sometimes that does mean a clean break from shared space and shared social networks. Your true friends will make a clean break with you. it sorts the wheat from the chaff. xx

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Eggshells

Thank you very much. You’ve said the thing that’s been on my mind for weeks – moving, even for a short time, will do me good. You’re right, it’s a small village, all my family are here, I’ve very deep roots here. Which is one of the main reasons I’m finding it so hard – this should be my safe space (and he knows it) but instead I’m on edge all the time for fear of seeing him or his partner and I just hate the fact he’s weeding his manipulative way into the community like a toxic poison. I’m lucky that I have a few possibilities to move without too much fuss – I could get a transfer with work or rent in the nearest town. I’m going to give it serious thought as a clean break and fresh air might be just the answer. Thanks again x

[Eggshells]

* I mean that your true friends will make a clean break from your abuser, as you do.

[KIP.]

Have you explored the legal route to have him removed. He’s probably moved his partner and child In because it might make it more difficult to have him removed but it’s worth pursuing. If you still have rights to the property could you change the locks? Remove their belongings when they’re out? Get some legal advice. Is the property up for sale? Can you go to court and force the sale? I know how painful this must be for you. My ex was self employed and people who knew his background would still use him. One actually said she didn’t care as long as he did a cheap and good job. You get good people with good values and you get idiots. That’s on them not you. Meantime any contact with him is toxic. Even contact through third parties. So if you’re staying in touch with these people then tell them not to mention your ex.

[Anonymous]

KIP,
If the house is jointly owned, Weemebreeze can’t go in and change locks and remove his belongings. He would have a legal right to occupy. He would simply get a court order to get back in.
Weemebreeze needs to get some legal advice on selling the property/getting her name removed and getting her share of the equity.

[Weemebreeze]

Hi KIP, thanks again for your reply. You’re absolutely right – I need to stop the flow of info from other people. I was pleased with myself for stopping contact with him months ago, changing number etc but I hadn’t quite appreciated just how hard it would be to hear stuff about him through other people. No contact, no info needs to be my plan going forward. It’s just too hard otherwise, totally derails me. Re the house – I got a solicitor immediately after I left as I wanted separated straight away. He refused point blank to move and I couldn’t afford to buy him out. Solicitor said forcing sale would cost thousands in court fees and be long process, so, I (perhaps stupidly) agreed to sell my share to him. I did this before knowing how things would unfold with his new partner and child. My fear with forcing sale would be that he’s so utterly twisted that he would just buy another house in the village. My solicitor said I could force him out house but not the area. So I agreed to take the money, get off the mortgage etc so that I can at least be free and give myself a chance at starting again. I know need to find a way to deal with the consequence of my decision as I don’t think I really appreciated how hard it would be. I think moving away for a short term might be the answer, I just can’t face it right now. Thank you again x

[KIP.]

Yes definitely start with legal advice.

[KIP.]

Hey yes you need to put your mental health first and as long as he isn’t stalling with paying you the money then yes court is to be avoided. I think when you look back you will see you made the right decision. I’d want a fresh start somewhere else until I managed to heal. It will take a while but anything to do with him will be toxic for a long time. But there will come a time when you think about him or hear about him and he’s just like a bad smell in your past. You can learn from your experience and can heal and move on but he will always be stuck with himself, a nasty selfish self serving individual and if people choose to talk to him then that’s on them. The woman who said she didn’t care about my ex and me and the violence involved as long as he did a good job, well he had a major accident in her property and it really messed things up for her. Karma! Let those people get on with it, they’ve been warned. You just look out for you x

[Weemebreeze]

Thanks again so much – I can’t tell you how much your messages help me to see things clearly and focus on the right areas. I long for the day that he is firmly in my past and I know that will come with time. You’re right – they were warned so I’ll let them get on with it. If they’re comfortable to be chatting to a violent, arrogant, toxic liar then so be it. That woman you mention is a ridiculous individual – no moral compass whatsoever. Karma really is a wonderful thing. 😊 I wish people would take more of a stand against this sort of behaviour – it would have been a very different situation if she (or anyone else) had not employed him but I suppose that’s too much to ask these days. It’s very inspiring to hear how you’ve taken yourself through all these horrendous situations – the most incredible strength. Thank you again x

[KIP.]

Hey, that strength is there for you too. It takes incredible strength to survive an abusive relationship so take that strength and use it for moving forwards. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Author]

Posts