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    • #9154
      godschild
      Participant

      Has anyones abuser gone on a perpertrator course, mine filled in a form end of last year when he was in a better frame of mind, but then recenlty said he only did it to shut me up, but they have been in touch with him and they are going to come to see him , I have little hope of him changing, but have read a couple of books of men that have and also Lundy Bancroft who works with abusers says a few do, anyone had any experience of this

    • #9172
      Confused123
      Participant

      Makes no difference if they attend, they just think of ways to get around abuse, i actually told this to lady that run the program

    • #9197
      godschild
      Participant

      Thanks Confused for responses ot my to posts today, Did your go on a perpertrator course then

    • #9203
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun no my ex didn’t but have had contact with ladies whose ex did and they never change , they just gloated how they could over ride the system

    • #9219
      Daisy
      Participant

      We had a lady on the old forum who,s husband did, and she saw and felt acceptable progress, with a few steps back every now and again I feel it is fair to say. But she got support as the partner from them by calls too so she was strong enough to point out the blips, and then things got back on tract.
      She said it took a year for his course, and she said many don’t stick it out, but he did but she had divorce papers drawn up and meant it so in their case I guess he finally realised what he stood to lose.
      Another lady also reported success, her partner moved out to a flat of his own whilst on the programme and she was going to wait it out until he finished the course before considering him returning.
      It looked promising last time she reported in,
      Loads have signed up, loads are made too by court order following charging,
      They in the main go once or twice and think they have done enough,or that they aren’t as bad as some there so we should be grateful or still feel they are pushed to it.
      Just by going, some feel they need rewarding for going,
      Sad and pathetic really when the truth is that normal non abusive men can deal with differences of opinions unthreateningly and calmly and can compromise or agree to disagree considerately without belittling their partner, and the partner feels able to have and voice their opinion, listened to and considered without a hint of feeling scared.
      X x x

    • #9220
      SaharaD
      Participant

      My abusive husband went on a perpetrator course.

      Why?
      I might have mention RESPECT http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/ 0808 802 4040 or the programme to one of his friends or him. I can’t remember. It was before I knew about the “no contact rules”

      When?

      After about 6 months, the women’s service of the programme contacted me to say that he had started and that I was entitled to receive support via the women’s group and a specialised DV/DA counsellor. I went to the group about 6 month and had 2 updates on my husband. I had the counsellor for a year. He did not know I was going to the women’s group. Some of the women’s abusers knew because it was ordered by social services that they both attend for the sake of their children.

      Result.

      My husband still blamed me in the divorce papers and not once did I hear the words “I’m sorry for trying to strangle you, for shoving you into the wall and for kicking you while you were on the ground”. It’s over two years and I have never hear from him again after I enforced no contact.

    • #9252
      godschild
      Participant

      Thanks you all of your replies xx

    • #9521
      godschild
      Participant

      Just need to rant, (detail removed by moderator)arrived to see my abuser for a perpertrator course. He answered the door is such a calm , nice soft ,manner to them and oh so polite, yet last night he was harsh , horrible etc to me, I feel so angry and hope that he will not pull the wool over their eyes, but have little faith that he will, he said he seeing them to get the truth of what goes on as he tries to site me as being the abuser and Im mentially ill etc etc, which I know is rubbish but hope they will shoot him down and see through him.

    • #9533
      Winterblues2
      Participant

      They will be well aware of the ‘nice’ side of abusers and will likely have expected that response from him. Don’t worry they’ll have good measure of him

    • #9541
      godschild
      Participant

      Thanks Winterblues2, do hope they could see through him, so many can’t

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