Perpetrators course and change in behaviours

[forestwalker]

Hi,

My newly ex partner has agreed to complete a DV perpetrators course (its a (detail removed by Moderator) week programme) and I signposted him to it as I work in safeguarding ironically. Several of the families that I work with have completed the course, but I just want to know whether anyone has had a partner complete the Adapt course or similar and it has worked. I am also reading Lundy Bancrofts book which is sobering to say the least.
I know that I am probably clutching at straws, but I have to believe that people are capable of making change.
Can I also ask (again I know deep down that I am deluded, but my head and heart are spinning) I got a Clare’s law disclosure on my current/ex-partner, and have found it really difficult not speaking to him about what was on the disclosure. Is there anyway that this was not accurate – the police confirmed when giving me the disclosure that he was never formerly found guilty (ie it didn’t get to court) – just arrested.

I have been offered the Freedom programme – I initially hesitated as I teach DV/DA/healthy/unhealthy relationship stuff to my families – however the way I have been thinking over the weekend, I know that I need to do this from a victim/survivor perspective rather then as a professional.

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I’m probably not the best person to talk to but I didn’t want to read and pass without saying hi.

I think change is possible within people in general, you’re right to believe that. But change comes about when the person chooses to do it for themselves and not because they hope to get you back or stay with you or get some sort of perceived reward at the end and definitely not when you are shepherding them there. If he is for real he will have no expectation or perceived reward -aka you- throughout the entire process. Change is hard work. From the perspective of the victim which is what I have been, it’s been a few years of really hard work to start changing some of my perceptions about relationships, boundaries and love. I’ve chosen this route because I wanted to. I’ve no perceived relationship reward at the end. This is the big difference.

Your number one priority is to keep yourself safe x

[maddog]

I may be wrong, but I understand that there is no evidence that Perpetrator courses are effective, and may just teach abusers how to be better abusers.There’s very little research.

The Freedom Programme is really good and important. It’s so easy to minimise our own problems and all the people who lead them will have gone through domestic abuse and lots of training and counselling.

Well done for using Clare’s Law. It must be really tough not being able to speak about what you know. It’s a bit of a red flag if he’s not being open with you about his past. That he’s been arrested for something the police thought you should know is a massive red flag. They’re only going to tell you what they think you need to know for your own safety.

Abusers often have a lifetime of practice. Honesty isn’t a strong point. Please do all you can to keep yourself safe.

[KIP.]

Hi, I’ve been on this forum for several years and never come across a happy ending staying with an abuser or an abuser using these courses. Once an abuser is exposed he will do what he can to hook you back in. That includes offering to go and get help. Very often this never happens. Abusers are good talkers. I’d be working on zero contact with him. Any contact allows him to lie, gaslight, manipulate etc and you’re still very vulnerable. Google trauma bonding. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. The Freedom Programme uses this book. You will recognise lots of behaviour. Also ask yourself why you want to be with someone who treats you so badly. Why do you want to be with someone who deliberately hurts you. I’d try some counselling for yourself too. I learned so much about myself and it made me stronger going forward. Absolutely believe what the police tell you. For you to even have to use it in the first place gives you the confirmation you need. Abusers follow a pattern and abuse in all their intimate relationships. It’s who they are and what they do and they don’t change. You can’t change him but you can change yourself

[forestwalker]

Thank you for your responses. I know deep down all of this and am sitting here crying. You are right Kip I do need some counselling as I know the reasons why I fell for him and they are the same as why I do the job that I do.
Life is a b**** sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I think you’ve just had a breakthrough in your understanding of yourself there. Well done.

It’s not possible to change others. As KIP says, you can’t change them, you can only change yourself. Only the person themselves can do it and the reasoning for wanting that change, comes from within.

Even if he completes the (detail removed by Moderator) month rehabilitation programme, it is only the very beginning of the process. Real change is a long road with bumps and hurdles. I would suggest you don’t put your life on hold waiting and hoping for him to be the human being you want to see. Easier said than done I know, I’ve been there, we all have x

[KIP.]

Hey, it’s okay to cry and no experience is wasted if we learn from it. We grow through adversity. We need to grieve even for these abusive relationships. It’s the healthy thing to do. Healing from Hidden Abuse is a great book about the stages of recovery. My ex was a con man like most abusers are. They wear a mask, they are people pleasers on the outside but their motives are dark. they improve and learn from each abusive relationship. You won’t always feel this way but it’s a painful rollercoaster ride to recovery. I’ve done it after decades in an abusive relationship. My best advice is zero contact, time and be extremely kind to yourself x keep posting you are not alone 💕

[maddog]

When I met my ex, I fell for his sob stories. I thought we could (ahem) fix each other. I pitied this poor man who all the women in his life had abandoned. These days, I still pity him, not for the man he became, but for the poor little boy he once was. That poor little unwanted boy grew into a cowardly and pathetic adult. I guess the difference now is that I see him from above, not beside or beneath.

The children have compared their dad with a few dodgy souls.

You’re so not alone!

[Catjam]

Mine agreed but then told me he couldn’t get through. He apparently left countless messages but when I challenged him with the phone bill which showed he had rung once he became defensive and told me I was only focusing on the bad not the good he had done. I also printed off a work sheet by Lundy Bancroft but he claimed it was all made up rubbish and wouldn’t look at it.
I am sadly coming to the conclusion as everyone else. I had hoped and waited for him to step up because he wanted to show me how badly he needed to fix things but he has done nothing.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. Mine went to counselling on my advice and came back from doing it to tell me that he and the counsellor agreed I was the problem. Whilst I admit I am not perfect, this threw me.

When I went into counselling myself and asked my counsellor what I’d been told by my partner, she said that no bonafide counsellor would ever say that. I went through BACP to get my counsellor.

[Catjam]

I have read articles about it now and I must admit I am glad he didn’t go. He would just have learnt new ways to mess with my head.

[Anonymous]

Yes I’m afraid that is what they do with counselling, manipulate it to suit their own ends. Not surprising though is it, seeing as they manipulate everything and everybody they come in to contact with. I see it all clearly now but at the time when I was in it, I was absolutely miffed about everything. Thank goodness I made it out of there, I am very grateful x

[Madmam]

I have been to counselling myself, as a couple and he has been on his own. When I admitted during a couples session that I sometimes felt afraid of him, the counselor said she didn’t think I should be afraid of him. Cue much puffing out of chest from him. Also she told me not to cry.

I never went back.

I always had to push him to go see her, and I alee with whoever else on this thread said – that he is finding different ways to abuse me: ‘I’m not doing that any more’. But his favourite at the moment is a new one – silent treatment. Go counsellor. She’s giving him more ideas.

Now I’m being accused of changing the goalposts 🙄

[forestwalker]

Thank you everyone for your responses.
He is continuing to text me and has asked me whether I want to discuss what he has spoken about in his 1st counselling session (this is a private one and he is still waiting to hear about the DV perpetrators course). I have continued to ignore him.
However this morning he has texted me about experiencing childhood sexual abuse – he knew this would get to me as this is my history and I have responded (stupidly). I have basically stated that I am sorry to hear about his trauma, however it still does not excuse or give license to the fact that he has abused me as that is his choice. I know he has not gotten through a c***k in my armour and I need to remain firm.

[Anonymous]

Good morning ForestWalker,

Well done for remaining firm. Ok so you had a momentary lapse and texted back but shifted the onus back to him. Best advice I can give you is to leave it there now and not respond to any more texts or emails or calls. If you feel you can, block his number. This would be best if possible because otherwise you may have more of your heart strings pulled at and end up back in an unhealthy dynamic with him. This is his journey and he has professionals around him to guide and support him. I realise you are a professional in the field also but you’ve also been romantically involved so it’s best for both of you if you step out of the equation.

It can feel incredibly hard to stop contact. We’ve all struggled with it so you’re not alone in this. Once you do, that is when the recovery process can start. You are the most important person in your life x

[Anonymous]

My ex had counselling. The thing with him is that for many years, he was a (detail removed by Moderator) and I think he used that experience to even manipulate his counsellors. He’s a very well educated and clever man.

He constantly used counselling as his argument that he was doing all he could to change, but he only ever went through the motions; he never really engaged. It was just another game to him.

[hop]

IgnorIgnore any attempts he makes to try and link your mind between his trauma (if it even exists) and your own. They’re tricky and he’s doing everything he can to bring you back into his sphere…….try your best not to get sucked in x

[Author]

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