Personality Disordered Abuser

[FlowersAfterFloods]

Hello, I am new here.
I left a relationship with someone who was a diagnosed sociopath. I’ve been reading literature to try and recover and heal, but some of it feels not relevant to be because I was with someone who has something medically wrong with them. Abuse of partners is really common with anti social personality disorder and I wish I’d seen it sooner.

Can anyone else relate or offer advice?

[KIP.]

Abuse is a choice. Was he abusive to you on your first date? Mental illness is not an excuse for abuse. Targeting an intimate partner is a choice of behaviour.

[KIP.]

Was he abusive in front of witnesses? Did he abuse when no one was watching? These men know exactly what they’re doing. They can control when they need to.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

Hi Kip. We didn’t really have a first date as we got together (detail removed by moderator). There were red flags from the start such as rudeness and talking about his ex, but not abuse as far as I can remember. It took(detail removed by moderator) or so for the bad behaviour to turn into abuse.
He wasn’t abusive around other people, but he was rude to me, even his (detail removed by moderator) I had to do all the shopping etc.
He definitely targeted me but he was an all-round difficult person. He fits basically every trait you would see listed for anti social personality disorder.

[Eggshells]

Hi Flowersafterfloods

My ex was a narc but abuse was a choice. He didn’t abuse his work colleagues, his friends or his relatives. He knew how to treat those people well so he knew how to treat me well, he just chose not to.

Personality disorders, mental health issues, alcohol, drugs, a bad childhood; non of those things make someone abusive but they do provide abusers with an excuse.

It took me decades to see the abuse I was subjected to I can definitely relate.

There are some good books to help you heal. Healing from hidden abuse could be a good place to start. Counselling can also help.

Take it at your own pace and be kind to yourself. xx

[FlowersAfterFloods]

“He didn’t abuse his work colleagues, his friends or his relatives.”

Those words hit me like a tonne of bricks. That’s so important. Its true. He would do things for his friends and family that he wouldn’t do for me.

[Anonymous]

Yes I can relate and it’s some scary behaviours and the level of callousness is like nothing else, now you know you signs and behaviours, always trust your feelings around the person and if your body screams avoid or run go along with that, some people intentionally boundary violate cos they get thrills from it, the aspd’s are the ones that end up stalking harassing, hacking and sexually abusing and get thrilled from doing it, they’re high Machiavellians and sometime have high conflict personalities too which make them even more dangerous x x x

[Shocknawe]

Hi, I can very much relate and I wrote a similar post when I left him. I was torn as I felt guilty for leaving someone who was obviously very disturbed, possibly due to trauma, neglect, or drugs (my ex- had BPD). Someone here answered that abuse is a choice and I looked back into the relationship – just like you are doing.
He would shout at me only when we were at home, never outside even if very angry. If we were in a public place he would call me names but quietly, never losing it or making aggressive displays with his body as he would if alone, where he would tower over me and would wave his arms. So yes, to abuse is a conscious choice even for those with terrible mental health issues.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

@ Auriel – Thanks for your reply. Exactly. I think he got a thrill out of getting me to do things that sexually hurt me, or by pressuring me to have sex while I was very ill. He did also look on my phone multiple times and then gaslit me into believing that I showed him my phone while I was asleep. He had all my phone and laptop passwords yet I wasn’t even allowed to touch his phone. I can’t believe I let that happen, I feel so embarrassed.

@ Shocknawe – Yes same. He abused drugs and if the things he told me are to be believed, he did have somewhat of a traumatic childhood, and threatened suicide a lot. He even made me ‘hide’ from him a rope he bought to kill himself. He never lost it with me in public, but he would have arguments with me in private rooms while visiting family, which was hard because I had to go back into the main room and pretend as though nothing had happened. The constant paranoia was really hard to deal with. The thing with people with personality disorders especially ASPD is that they are very dangerous individuals and essentially can never be fixed or rehabilitated like a “normal” abuser might be. I hope he doesn’t hurt any future women he gets with.

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