This topic contains 12 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Braelynn 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #102670
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    I feel disgusted. I’ve been having the most unnatural, disturbing feelings towards my dad. I’m feeling aroused all the time anyway (this horrifies me, all of it). He keeps coming round to do stuff outside. He’s not in any way doing anything but be kind and helpful. It’s a complicated situation but it’s my perverted imaginings that are causing this at this particular moment. I wish my body would stop behaving in this vile manner because my brain isn’t differentiating between good and bad and the sentations don’t feel bad to me. It’s putrid feeling like this

  • #102671
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, I just wanted to let you know ive read your post. Don’t feel disgusted, there will be a reason why this is happening, but neither of you are acting out on it. I’m not qualified to give any insight as to why, but I’m sure many other people have felt this too. I think you’re extremely brave even broaching the subject. Keep posting, it’s better out than running around in your head with only yourself to try and make sense of it all.
    Best wishes IWMB ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž

  • #102688
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    Apparently it is normal. It’s probably best that it happened before I started feeling better because it’s floored me but I didn’t have far to go.
    A really bad worry of mine is that maybe I’m wrong and it didn’t happen but I did not know this was something that might happen so in my mind, weirdly it’s comforting to know that it’s not in my mind. I feel quite fortunate that I’m quite articulate so I can express to the only person I can disclose this to on the outside. She says she’s not judging me but the stuff I’m saying is pretty f*****g grim

  • #102713
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    Iโ€™m no expert either on the subject but how about granting your arousal to just be for now, it is spring after all, perhaps nature is awakening your bodily sensations.
    Then once youโ€™ve accepted and allowed your arousal, redirect your libido towards a safe person, neutral, say a star – Matt Damon?
    Learning to disassociate your libido from your father or any unsafe or unacceptable relations.
    Also I am thinking your father represents perhaps a close person to you and youโ€™re actually yearning for a close intimate relationship with a man?
    Anyways, your therapist should be able to help you dissect this one and provide you with methods to process it all.

    As IWMB said, better out than in, and yes indeed youโ€™re articulate, useful talent to possess ๐Ÿ™‚

  • #102752
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice hlj but sitting with the feelings is just intensifying them. I’m doing some of the techniques but it is hard to keep going forward knowing it’s only Friday. I’ve been amazing and haven’t hurt myself at all since before lockdown. These feelings of being a pervert are making them so overwhelming. I don’t want to hurt the kid inside me though and even though it’s a fake thing I can’t break even a fake promise without feeling immense guilt..
    I feel like I need to dig out the aroused part or slash it or something. This is not something I think I can keep facing. These emotions are up, down, round, square….im tired all the time

  • #102758
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi freedom, would phoning breathing space or samaratins help. I know my psychologist said if I was struggling at any time over the lockdown period to phone and she’d call me back. Just another thought. You should be very proud you’ve not self harmed ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

  • #102776
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    I did hurt myself now. It happened by accident……i had no thoughts of doing it then I had done it…..it was wierd.
    I can’t message her. I feel like a burden. Especially now

  • #102778
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    You’re not a burden, honestly you’re not. You’re in pain, that’s all. I wish this could sl go away fir you.
    ๐Ÿ’ž

  • #102786
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    I know she said I could message when I wanted but then she said that she’d rather be able to speak to me. I don’t want to be needy and I couldn’t message on a Friday night.
    I’m. Obsessing over everything and nothing. I keep getting a pain right in my chest, really localised. I’m falling apart a wee bit. I accidentally deleted the healing meditations and I swear to god they’re off every device because I took them off 1 playlist. It’s madness. The things I try to deliberately delete I can’t get rid of. They’ve been getting me through so it’s like a double whammy I can’t mention.

  • #102788
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hello Freedom Fries,

    I can see you are struggling today and feel unable to reach out to get the help you may need. Please know the services or professionals put in place to help or trained to help are there to assist you at times like these.
    Like mentioned, Samaritans can be good just to be able to talk tonight, or there’s No Panic who operate a helpline 10 am to 10 pm daily on 0844 967 4848. Another option may be Support Line who offer confidential emotional support over the phone. Hours vary, but their number is 01708 765200.
    Please do know as you work your way through this difficult time you are not alone.
    Take care,

    Lisa

  • #102850
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Hi there………nothing like being in the blender, huh? Arrgghhhh, but when there it’s good to know that your being is trying to tell you something, highlight the lies, understand the triggers and what they really and truly “mean” and “why” they are there in the first place so you can learn how to be responsive and not reactionary.

    I just want to be clear here……..so I understand you better. You do remember that your father sexually molested you, right?

    If that is correct then…..Your body has has been imprinted basically. Your psyche too. By him. That imprint which is wholly comprised of untruths in respect to “you and your personhood” will be like having a collar around your neck so when it’s j****d, you respond. Same thing with brainwashing. Not sure you’ve ever read up on how all that works but it’s basically, in large part, extremely similar.

    The one thing, the only thing, that destroys this imprint and this brainwashing is when you pull out the lies that are within you by the roots. Right now, you are struggling with doing that because you’re not real sure you actually “want to do that”. You have bonded with your abuser and he knows that, too….

    Psychopaths like this get extreme pleasure out of being able to control their victims and keep them on a leash of sorts so they can come and jerk and you respond. But the only reason you respond is because of the lies that are within you that they put there…

    Our bodies are going to respond to sexual stimuli even as small children. Predators know this and they also know if they are a trusted figure in our life, like a parent, especially if it’s a father…….then we’re pretty much going to be done in the oven here. Everything is wired just the way they want it then, isn’t it? I control pretty much everything in your life, I am supposedly giving you what I call “love”, I can hurt you if I want and on and on it goes. Total control.

    You probably have Stockholm Syndrome. Not uncommon and again entirely natural. You have to stop hating yourself because that’s part of the poison that you have been injected with…. that you take the blame for what “they” did.

    Accepting truth into your being, is the only light that poison will respond to and be vanquished by. Nothing else will work. You can dance around the fire avoiding it all you want but you have to face the truth here, pull those lies up by the roots, regardless of how much it hurts, understand his personality and how he loves running hot and cold here and is “still” trying to control you……….you have the will, if you use to, to say NO, I’m sorry but, you don’t get to do this to me anymore and I “see you” now.

    You can’t ride the razorblade, it won’t work. There is no happy middle where you are caught up in the game of his good side and his bad side. It will destroy you. Unfortunately, he won’t care, one bit. Perps never do. They are not capable. Their “good side” is an act. You can’t be totally one thing and totally another thing. Someone who can hurt a child, their own child – is a monster. Also know, I’d bet good money on the fact that you are not the “only one” he has does this to. We never are. Nothing special about us, nothing we did to deserve it either. We were just available. An easy target and it was fun for them because we were there all the time.

    Everything you are going through is normal. Nothing weird or whatever about it. I’m so glad you are talking!! Many people suffer in silence. It’s not our fault!!! They………..did this to us and then we are left trying to sort it out. And yes, yes, I remember when my father came around wanting to be all nice nice and being helpful because Now he’d found god! Vomit. He just changed disguises. I told him to pound sand. Actually I told him a whole lot More than that but anywho. He’s still the same predator no matter what cute little face he puts on. I know he did it to others…I do.

    What’s happening to you here is you are feeling a trigger. That’s all. Unfortunately it’s linked to what it’s linked to. And it’s linked to him. All perps know this about us btw. Alot of them talk to each other. It’s like a sport, there are actual clubs where perps talk and swap what they are doing, have done. Vampires actually.

    Please do take heart and see the light through the forest because it is there. It truly is. Just be exact with yourself. See what you are seeing. Listen to your inner medicine woman because she’s quite sharp and your best friend. All your intuition comes from her btw. What happens to us doesn’t define us, what we do about it – does. XXXX

  • #102866
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    It’s not like that. We’ve built up a strong relationship over decades. He’s not a predator now. I was bowled over when these sexual feelings came. I know it’s because I’m processing the sexual abuse memories from childhood but it doesn’t make it any less gross. I hate feeling like people are blaming my family. I know it must seem stupid to you but honestly it makes me feel horrible to know that people look at us that way.

    Thanks for your message Lisa ๐Ÿ’– I can’t believe it’s still only Saturday

  • #102881
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Good to know that he’s not a predator anymore. No, doesn’t seem stupid to me at all. It’s tricky waters where you are and I do understand it, a great deal. The important thing is you are working things out and processing memories and that is no easy task. A step at a time. I am very glad you have someone good working with you in all of this. I am very sorry that I have offended you or made you sad. It wasn’t my intention….

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