Petrified of his false allegations – Are secret cameras insane?

[Blahblahblah1234]

He is seriously mentally ill / evil?… when I was tidying up, I bent over to pick up his book from the floor and then dropped it on the bed, actually from still being bent over and dropping it up on top of a cushion on the bed. He started, sarcastically, to wind me up, say I threw it AT him when I didn’t at all. It was dropped on the bed nowhere near him. He even started smiling, saying ohh look you’ve bruised me and took a picture of his leg when the book was nowhere near him which is insane. clearly no bruise! He has since text me referring to false allegations of things he’s saying I’ve done when he knows I haven’t like this book throwing. I can only think he is up to something. He’s booked a doctor’s appointment claiming he’s getting help with his mental issues and I just feel like I have no control over what he will do false allegation wise. He’s gorgeous, charming and manipulative- he loves playing perfect victim. Does anyone know what I can do to protect myself? I know I sound crazy but I’d feel so much stronger if I had more evidence of his lies and abuse. I’ve googled having secret video cameras installed but not having much luck. This is the only thing I can think of to protect me.

I’m stuck in the house with him as neither of us will leave. And to be honest, my fear of false allegations will be heightened when I leave so I need to do something now. Thank you!

[Hetty]

Can you make an appointment with your Local DA organisation and talk through your concerns? This man is playing mind games with you and sounds psychologically very dangerous. Keep a log of his behaviour.
My husband threatens me that he’ll call social services and tries to gaslight me. He also threatens to call the police. Like once he was screaming in my face and pointing his finger. I told him to get out of my personal space and he screamed at his daughter to call the police as I was manipulating him. Really they know what they’re doing is wrong and they’re worried about losing control. I don’t believe for one minute he would call social services or the police because he knows perfectly well I’ve done nothing and he’d be exposed.

[KIP.]

I know you don’t want to hear this but you need to leave and you need to leave now. He knows exactly what he is doing. The only thing that will protect you is zero contact. While there is contact he can accuse you of anything. You will never win with an abuser. It’s like wrestling a pig. You both come off muddy but he lives in mud and loves that life. It’s stressful for you and fun for him to abuse you. Meantime keep a detailed journal and tell as many people as you can what he’s doing. I also think hidden cameras may not be wise, and if he finds them it could be very dangerous for you.

[diymum@1]

I agree keep a detailed dated journal off everything that’s happened back date it. Tell trusted people including the GP get them to document it just as you’ve put it above. Talk to womens aid too. It sounds like he’s planning something and it also sounds like his thinking is very skewed. Don’t panic but take steps to get away from him xx psychological abuse is very damaging for you so your health and safety comes first always xx 😘

[Iwantmeback]

We underestimate just hours far these men will go. Please get in touch with WA, your local one should be listed too. I have found them invaluable, they gave me back my sanity. I saw my gp to begin with, and she too pointed me in their direction and she’s always there to listen to me. There’s no point trying to get him to see how crazy his behaviour is, just log it and get away from him as soon as you can. WA can help you with a leaving plan. I walked out over (detail removed by moderator) months ago, I’m not totally away from him but I will be soon. Bi làidir (stay strong) you are so much stronger than you know and more importantly than what he knows. Look up going grey rock, it’s a way of dealing with them when you can’t go no contact for whatever reason.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[maddog]

I bought a security camera from Argos. I’ve found the video camera on my phone far better at picking up sound than the voice recorder. Abusers have no boundaries. You shouldn’t be living in fear. You could also ask to speak to the domestic abuse team at your local police.

[KIP.]

He obviously knows what scares you and is targeting your fear of false allegations. I know it’s hard but don’t let him see this affects you or he will use this fear against you. My husband said something similar and I called his bluff, told him to go ahead then. Hot air x he knew what he had done was bad and he didn’t want that exposed x

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thanks all again! Even though I’d consider myself a person with common sense, I really need this all pointed out to me…I just don’t think I can leave, or want do that to my children and I don’t want to give up my house. The only way I think I can get him out having spoken to WA is through divorce and getting courts to get him out. But I have no money. My income goes on the house but I’ll start to save somehow. I’m not legible for legal aid. Thanks to advice on this forum on my first post, I did speak to police about logging an earlier scary, specific threat a couple of weeks ago that he made re false allegations but obviously threats seem ongoing now. Can’t believe I had guts to speak to them. Was very worried afterwards about them telling social services / school though! Hope they didn’t! He really, really would make false allegations especially when I go so telling them has made me feel a tiny bit safer. Thanks a lot, x

[Cecile]

It really important to keep a record/diary of what he says/does, what happened before and after, and how it made you feel. Apart from useful evidence it can prompt your memory in the future when you become confused in the face of his intimidation. Second, it is always useful to log things like threats with the police, as they happen. Third you really must get legal advice. A lot of solicitors offer an hour or 30 minutes of free advice. Some offer low cost packages with good legal advice and help that win awards. Also remember you do not need a divorce to get someone out of your home who is threatening and/or aggressive to you.

Imagine some one whom you love, or care for, being subjected to these behaviours. Imagine if you can that you are speaking to someone you love the way he speaks to you. What happens? Do you cut out because it is so awful? How do you feel? Then try and see yourself being treated the way he treats you.

Feelings are everything.So are facts. How you feel is as important as what he said to you and how he made you feel.You should not be subjected to this horror story and life is to be enjoyed.
I hope this helps.x

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thank you XX

[Hetty]

No professional should be talking to other services without your knowledge eg school. Only in her extreme circumstances would they do this if they felt by telling you it would cause risk to your child (usually in cases where a child is being physically hurt). This is not the case with you.
You’ve been really brave reaching out. You can work towards your goals now you know where you stand. Do something small every day. It’ll help you feel in control.
Keep a secret log. Also speak to your GP. Tell as many trusted people as you can x

[KIP.]

I think you’re in a state of trauma and you’re not thinking clearly. I was once the same. When trauma takes over, the rational part of our brain shuts down. Looking back I would catastrophise. The reality is he’s a selfish worthless paranoid abuser. His threats make you panic. When you panic you can’t think straight. While you’re engaged with an abuser, you suffer, your children suffer. Bricks and mortar don’t matter compare to the mental damage done to you and your children. Get your GP on your side. Tell them it’s affecting your mental health, that you’re scared of him and that you want to stay in your home with your children for your mental health. Start building your case, then the very next time you feel scared or threatened you ring the police. Hat call to the police combined with backup from your GP just might get you an occupation order from a judge. You need to think outside the box as things are only going to get worse. For you and your children x

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thanks so much again. I don’t feel so alone having all your support and advice. An occupation order would be an absolute dream come true as it’s the only way I can see myself being free. My local WA said it’s extremely hard to get though 🙁 But I’ll go to GP as advised when I get the guts up. I’m keeping a secret log.

After calling me every name under the sun with children within earshot, kicking the kitchen drawers and throwing the iron down tonight he’s said he’ll never, ever divorce me and that he owns every thing – the latter not being true – but I know he wouldn’t fill in paper work and do everything he can to make my life hell RE divorce. Just feel so trapped. Thought divorce was the answer but that was a ridiculous thought. People saying my/kids mental health more important than house and yes, my mental health is the worst it’s ever been in my life right now but it would be worse if I’m in a refuge/ homeless / whatever other horrible option. I’ve always thought this tbh and when I started to think maybe I actually should go, my youngest was been referred for diagnosis of autism last week. Changes in routine are difficult for him so a whole house move / school move / breakup would be more than awful for him. Crying as I write this as just feel so doomed to live this awful life but I’ll try to work towards occupational order in hope and get all the evidence I can x

[Hetty]

I’m so sorry to hear how distressed you feel. It can feel like a clawing our way up a never ending mountain with no end in sight. You don’t have to live this way. With your son being assessed surely that’s enough to suggest that you need to stay put. Have you thought about making a Claire’s law application to find out about your partner’s offending history if he has one? Might give you more weight?
I know that you can’t see any other options re leaving but have you thought about making an application for social housing? You could go through the motions without him knowing and you just might find a suitable option. You would be under no obligation though.
It might not necessarily mean a change if school? Children adapt, even those who struggle with change, and you’d get support for your son. The changes would be for a greater good, a future away from domestic abuse.
You’re doing the right thing keeping a secret journal. It’s amazing the things we forget or let slide.
Do one thing every day to get you closer to your goal. No matter how small. Sorting out a financial plan, writing in your journal, speaking to your gp, posting on here.
Break things down into small chunks.
Remember the abuse will keep you feeling overwhelmed.
I wouldn’t talk with your partner again about divorce. It’ll get you nowhere.
Stay strong x

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thank you! We’ve been together (detail removed by moderator) years and I’ve always thought it was my fault until recently I saw the light so not sure there would be any history to be found since we’ve been together so long and he didn’t have long relationships before me. Maybe they could see what I didn’t or he was actually nice because he didn’t start with me until I after I sent wedding invites out. His brother has had many failed relationships and I now suspect he’s the same but don’t think that would help me?

I don’t think I’d get social housing but I’ll definitely look into it so thanks for the ideas.

You’re right about mentioning divorce. I won’t do it again x

[KIP.]

Abusing you in front of the children is child abuse. Throwing things and threatening you is illegal. All this should be on your occupation order. You just need to gather evidence. Next time he kicks off like this you need to ring 999 and tell them you’re scared of him and fear he will hurt your children. Again, calling the police is evidence for your occupation order. Combined with a letter from your GP supporting his removal because of your mental health. I’d definitely try for the occupation order, you’ve nothing to lose. You can’t go on this way x

[KIP.]

Keep your phone on you and if he kicks off ring 999 and leave the line open for them to hear x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, what I used to do before I left, was secretly record him when he was having one of his moments. I’ve as yet to play them back since leaving, but they were what helped me walk away. I agree with kip, keep your phone on you at all times. You can fill in the domestic abuse form online(Clare’s law). There may not be anything to disclose but it’s a part of the jigsaw, something to add weight to your case when you go down the divorce route. I’ve not started proceedings yet, but will do in time. I need to put distance between us,to feel safer,to not allow him to talk me out of it. My oh probably won’t fill in the paper work either, but then I’ve since learned he’s got problems with literacy seemingly…. tbh I think it’s another way to get me to feel sorry for him, to put his needs above mine. Funny he filled out paperwork the other day so not much wrong with his literacy there was there? Have you spoken to WA yet. They can help you with form filling fir a house, their support workers are brilliant ( I’ve dealt with my local WA and have no fault with them, they saved my sanity) they can also arrange for you to talk to a lawyer for some free advice, it’s good to know where you stand. Our thoughts run off in so many different directions,its hard to think straight and logically. Have you started compiling all the house finances, debts, joint or otherwise. Passports, driving licence, birth certificates. Start taking copies of whatever you think you’ll need or take originals if you know he’ll not miss them. Have you access to his bank statements or joint ones. I set up online banking fir my oh, he doesn’t know, so I can check his finances when I get suspicious or check he’s got money when he says he hasn’t. I also started clearing things out, took stuff to the rubbish dump, charity shops, stored as much as I could at a relatives. I’m over 6months away from the marital home, I’ve just cancelled a few direct debits, slowly extracting myself financially from ‘us’. Hoping that the only big thing will be the house,whether it is sold or I get some of the equity released, not sure when I’ll walk that road but I know I’m going to. I’ve told him we’re over numerous times, not sure if he is going to finally accept it, that he’ll agree to a divorce. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
You are going through so much just now, sometimes it would be easier to just give in, stay and carry on the way things are. But your life is going to change again once you find out exactly where you are with your child’s diagnosis. Yes autistic people don’t like change, but you can’t stay in a toxic relationship. Your child will know, probably more so because of being autistic, that your relationship with your husband isn’t good. Their perception is so much more acute when it comes to seeing things as they are, depending on the severity of their autism. My nephew is so in tune when people behave that little bit differently, he picks up on the slightest deviation from usual behaviour. He might not understand the intricacies but he is affected no doubt about it. Please please be strong for the adults that they are to become, without the strength of your convictions, their future selves, the way they interact with others, their future relationships, self esteem, their own sanity is at risk if you stay as is your own. I wish you all the strength and safety to do what you have to. We do what we do to survive. No one will judge you, do whatever it takes to keep safe and sane.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Hetty]

Don’t be fooled. I doubt this man has never been truly nice. He was just biding his time to know when it was safe to show you his true self.
Explore every possible option.
The council have a responsibility to you and your children if there’s domestic abuse.
Stay focused. When any doubts creep in tell yourself you’re just exploring options. X

[Author]

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