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    • #39695
      citrine
      Participant

      I’m still wavering on moving out and have my up and down days. I have somewhere lined up but has anyone moved out slowly over a period of time? So bit by bit you move out and have the place set up. I just feel for me it would give my head chance to accept what I’m about to do.

    • #39696
      White Rose
      Participant

      If thats what works for you then it’s ok!
      But remember abuse often escalates when your abuser gets wind of you leaving so be very very careful.
      I’ve no experience of slow move I did the bulk of it in a day but I had stashed paper work and small precious things at my mum’s along with a lot of storecupboard things and kitchen stuff I’d bought as extra to the family weekly shop without him realising, plus spare towels and bedding he had no idea we had as that was “my department” at home.
      Good luck. Don’t back down now x

    • #39711
      Suntree
      Participant

      I thought I could do the move out slowly. We had even split up and talked about how it was going to happen. It all seemed amicable. He even started to do nice things. Family things. I slowly moved precious things to a safe space things he wouldn’t know was gone. I guess deep down I knew it was going to come to a head.

      The reality was it gave him time to plan, manipulate me, the kids and others especially those in power.
      i at the time didn’t see the relationship as abusive, because I had a very sterio type of abuse in my head and it wasn’t that bad.
      I also had the I have to do it this way for him and the kids.
      I was so brain washed.

      As White Rose says the abuse got worse. I was that lobster in a pot of boiling water without realizing it. Had he not made a mistake one day which meant I had to leave I would hate to have thought what would have happened.

      My advice to you is get out fast.

      You can set the place up as you are in it as long as it is fit to live in. Think of it like camping if you have to.
      Your place will never be ready if you wait for it to be perfect and it will become harder to leave.

    • #39712
      danicali
      Blocked

      agree entirely with suntree… this will only give him time to plot and plan and it’s not a good idea… and yes, abuse so often gets worse when they know you are going to leave them, or after you leave… if you’re doing it slowly, he can thwart you in so many ways even sabotage your plans

      the main thing though is it sounds as though you aren’t sure you want to leave… so maybe this is your way of dealing with it, bit by bit but nothing definite… like a “practice” move out… if you want to stay with him, it’s your choice but just know that these men don’t change, they only improve temporarily to get you sucked back in then it’s back to their old abusive behaviour

      you have to consider how bad that behaviour is – only you know. i guess some men’s abuse levels aren’t too high compared to others… so you have to weigh this against leaving him and to do that, you need to be honest about him and think about all the ways he is abusive to you, perhaps make a list of his behaviours that really upset you, and how much they upset you (scale of 1 to 10, perhaps)… then go over this list and ask yourself if you want this way of life forever, if you can be happy with it that way, or not… and if the answer is no, then it’s probably time to leave x

    • #40504
      survivr
      Participant

      Hi Citrine,

      Where are you now in your moving out?

    • #41096
      citrine
      Participant

      Hi all. I’m sorry for delay in not responding to you all. Thank you very much for your replies.

      I’m still planning my move, it is nearly here. I’m doing it as I originally planned “phased”. I have no family support and I’m reluctant to tell friends as I do not want to feel rail roaded into anything (or maybe I just don’t trust anyone). It’s taking me years to get to this point. I’ve taken it slowly, step by step day by day.

      I’m feeling ok about it all, I think the planning has allowed me to emotionally deal with it all.

      X*x

    • #46279
      Minion
      Participant

      This appeals to me, although I would have to be so careful to keep it a secret. I’d like to buy a little flat & put a few things in it to make it feel like home. A kind of practice run or some way of just gradually getting used to it. I need some way of telling myself that it’s just temporary or just a test of how I feel in case it is the wrong decision. If we don’t have another bad spell (haha) then I can rent it out. I hope that once I am out of the fog temporarily then I will be able to plan for the future. Did it work ok for you citrine?

    • #47634
      citrine
      Participant

      Hi Minion

      Yes it did work for me.

      I slowly moved everything in without my partner knowing. And it was very slow but it gave me the time to make my flat my “home” and to allow my head to accept it.

      I have now be living here full time for one month and my children and I are very happy.

      What I’ve come to realise is that you have to do it your way and what works for you. Leaving an abusive partner is not the case of one size fits all.

      I know it’s still early days and I have zero contact but I’m proud of where I am right now.

      Citrine

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