2nd January 2020 at 12:04 pm #94667
Hi, I am (removed by moderator), a student, living at home even though when I’ve been commuting (as my parents made me do this last term) it is a (removed by moderator) commute by train to college daily. As this might suggest, my mental health is not of value to my family, and as I am (removed by moderator) I can’t seem to get viewed as anything but their dependant. I will say I have prioritised going to college over most things in my life, and am a first class student so far (only done first year). This may explain what is to follow.
I have been hit all my life, by both parents, though I am much more physically intimidated by my father who is a large and heavy man, maybe 3 times my weight and definitely able to push me and chase me around… even when I am not hit directly, I get reduced to a hyperventilating mess by the way they shout at me and by the implicit threat of it turning violent at any point.
I am fairly used to getting hit, and I cannot claim to being beaten as it generally is only 1-3 impacts per physical fight, and is not consistent however, (removed by moderator) was a step too far for me; I had hot (removed by moderator) poured down my neck and back with no warning, and now have what I think is a first degree burn on my upper shoulders. This scared me because of the cowardly nature of it and the fact I wasn’t actually fighting back, was just sitting at a table, not expecting to get hurt.
I know I’ve been assaulted, I know this is a crime. But I am (removed by moderator), choosing to live at home and financially dependent on my parents as I cannot afford to go to college on my own, so far as I know. I have suicidal thoughts but no follow through, but my life can feel like hell at points, and I am frightened in my own home. I feel a lot of the reason I get abuse is because of my gender, as I have an older brother who is compared favourably to me very often, even though he has been abused in the past too. I know it is sexist because my dad has said things like “female privilege- women don’t expect to get hit” after, as I have pointed out, he intentionally burnt me in cold blood.
I am dealing with people who hate me. I don’t know how to escape, and I only wish I could get adopted at (removed by moderator), but I don’t know where I can go. I know this isn’t an advice forum, I just need to know if I am being overly dramatic or if this should be a reason I leave here. I think it is only going to get worse, and I’m scared.
I wish I wasn’t such a source of conflict at home, but I think you can see it doesn’t take much for me to start it here, and I don’t think it is my fault because I don’t get physical until I am hurt, and even then I curb the urge to hit back although I am in pain.
I find it hard to go to college and feel everyone else is so much more normal than me, and I envy them their parents, I wish I could just leave and have a better family who I could make happy for a change.
Thanks for reading,
2nd January 2020 at 12:16 pm #94669[email protected]Participant
This sounds very dangerous physically and emotionally xx no one should have to put up with this hun 💕your 20 so refuge would be an option you would get benefits / your grant? You could sort this out in a safe place and keep studies going xx you need to get out pour hot tea on you that is terrible to endure xx don’t go on like this call the help line just now xx sending you hugs 🤗 much love diymum💕💕
2nd January 2020 at 12:25 pm #94670
Go to your GP and tell them everything. Contact women’s aid who will be able to help with a women’s refuge to help you with grants and benefits and perhaps you could get a refuge near you college until you’re settled. Nobody has the right to abuse you this way. It is not your fault. You are not alone. Many women and girls face abuse and spend a lifetime trying to hide it. Perhaps talk to a counsellor at your college. Most offer help for students who need it. The main thing is your speaking out. I’d also report this assault to the police once you’re safe or even now as the police can help you find a refuge and make sure you’re safe. Abuse always escalates and this kind of assault can scar you for life. I really do fear for your safety. I know it’s scary to reach out for help but you’ve made a great first step coming on here. Time to take back control of your life. Do you have a friend you could stay with in the meantime away from your abusive family. Perhaps your brother would speak to the police too?
2nd January 2020 at 3:13 pm #94691
I should explain I live in (removed by moderator), but have only been here for the last few years, so I don’t know much about refuges or places to go – I did call a helpline, but it was for domestic violence, so advised me to go to the police, which I admit, I probably should.
I live in a rural area with no neighbours to hear any of this happening, and it’s a half hour walk along a dangerous road to get to the nearest bus stop and town, which I think is why this is getting so bad.
I have exams in a few days, and I really really wanted to do well (they are scholarship exams, with board at Uni attached if I got them) because I saw them as a route out of this.
the main reason I haven’t left is because of these exams, but I fear my head is full of angst rather than important stuff and I am honestly really angry this has happened now, right when I needed to be most focused.
thank you all for responding, you’ve given me a sense of warmth I don’t feel very often, and I’m glad you don’t think I’m acting excessively upset, because to me this seems wrong.
My dad actually mocked me saying (removed by moderator), and earlier he said that because he’s never lifted a finger to my mum, this is my fault. also the (removed by moderator) was definitely done on purpose (as it was from behind with zero warning I hadn’t been 100% on that) but today, unprompted, he told me (removed by moderator) and I’d better not allege he did, also going on to say how he (removed by moderator) which I feel threatened by, given at no point has he admitted that this went too far. (removed by moderator), he just got lucky because I didn’t make a fuss out of it and haven’t been to a doctor – again (removed by moderator) struggles..)
2nd January 2020 at 3:24 pm #94692
@maddog, (sorry I’m new to this forum if I’ve been replying to the wrong people haha) please can you tell me how to feel less guilt about the financial dependence factor? I’ve allowed myself to get screamed at and hurt and I think part of the reason why is I have internalised guilt, even though I really don’t see what other options I had in life.
I’m not a child, so they threaten to kick me out whenever things get bad, but they’ve also often stopped me from getting jobs, and they force me to be so dependent in my opinion, making me spend the savings I had got together on whatever is necessary to my life but they don’t feel like paying. I’m notoriously tight with money tbh, and barely buy anything unnecessary, but still they’ve managed to leave me with nothing to spare.
I have only earned maybe 4,000 in my life so far, so I don’t know how I could have done things any other way, bearing in mind we live in (removed by moderator) and there are no student grants (removed by moderator), and my family don’t qualify for means tested grants. I just wish I wasn’t legally viewed as a dependent, because nobody is forcing them to give me enough money to live on, it’s just assumed any normal parent would…
I feel pretty torn, because it’d be a waste to drop out of college and my best friend keeps making me promise I won’t, but this is also a s**t existence, with the joy taken out of it, being criticised for costing money I cannot avoid costing.
2nd January 2020 at 12:26 pm #94671
Btw they went too far the very first time they abused you. Verbally or physically. That’s when they gave you permission to walk out the door and not look back x
2nd January 2020 at 12:27 pm #94672
The NSPCC have a helpline and there is a domestic abuse and forced marriage helpline too. Reach out to them x
2nd January 2020 at 12:28 pm #94673maddogParticipant
It sounds absolutely terrifying. Please start getting support in real life. You are not the source of conflict. You have been selected because you are normal and because you are vulnerable. It’s horrendous being financially reliant on abusive parents. I remember it well. It’s a total head f%ck. It’s not your fault and at your stage in life you absolutely need external support. Please speak to your gp and to Women’s Aid. You may find the NAPAC website helpful as well. Your parents are operating a Divide and Rule policy at home, with your brother being the Golden Child and you being the scapegoat.
It’s really difficult to move away from. Please start taking those steps.
2nd January 2020 at 3:45 pm #94694
If it’s safe to do so you could secretly record the abuse? You need to tell someone. Get the burn checked at hospital if not your GP.
2nd January 2020 at 4:50 pm #94698
I am starting to record the abuse, I have pictures (removed by moderator), I’m currently recording them shouting at my brother through the floor as they aren’t as bad to him but I can prove it. I am upset I didn’t record my dad’s admission of guilt earlier, because he did admit to it.
so yes, I am getting some evidence, because it’s finally hit me that he deserves to be faced with some serious consequences. I don’t want to tear apart my family, but he is out of control, and he thinks hes some kind of god in our home because he’s the breadwinner. I’ve realised he is physical with people he is in a position of power over, and he does deserve to have his reputation ruined if nothing else.
I will bide my time, but I will have proof, and I will get revenge for this tbh, he deserves something to come of him acting like a deranged man, a woman hating pathetic excuse for a man, who can’t even argue without resorting to sexism of some kind, and who thinks he has a moral highground over people he beats up.
I am sick of it, he is a b*****d, and I don’t want to be his daughter anymore.
thanks for the support (apologies for the aggression but I (removed by moderator).) I tend to feel more anger when I hear them attacking my brother, but they do that more verbally than anything else, and it isn’t based on his gender, rather they attack his absent girlfriend for the supreme crime of being a woman!
2nd January 2020 at 4:58 pm #94699
PS when I get time in (removed by moderator) I will get someone to look at the injury, but I cannot escape this house at the moment. Should be in (removed by moderator) this Sunday, but unfortunately will be with my parents.. have booked a college counselling appointment and I plan to tell the truth for a change, because it’s about time I did (I never admitted to anything illegal happening to me before, like the fact I was (removed by moderator) and that my parents’ reaction was not supportive in the least when I did finally tell them…)
It’s about time the denouement happened and other people finally get hurt, because I’ve had a lifetime of covering up abuse and I was always so guilty thinking about the consequences if I tell, but they will deserve the consequences I believe..
thanks for your support, I needed to know that they are wrong, because it’s hard to believe in yourself with this kind of mental torture/techniques to break someone’s character tbh
2nd January 2020 at 5:23 pm #94701
Abuse as a child will be ever so confusing for you but know that you did nothing wrong and the very people who are supposed to protect you, are the ones that are harming you. That’s hard to swallow at any age. Try to seek out some specialist counselling after you tell your counsellor everything hopefully they can point you in the right direction. Be very careful when you record things. Can you send the recordings to a secret email account so as not to be caught out? It could be very dangerous for you if they discover them. Your safety is more important than proof.
2nd January 2020 at 6:22 pm #94710HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Getting your degree is your way out and although your parents might finance it they are abusing you terribly in order for you to fail, so you will stay dependent + be blamed for not succeeding. It is very sick and abusive behaviour on their part.
Please can you tend to (removed by moderator) now, not in a few days but asap, call an ambulance? Call the police.
Pack a bag with your essentials and study material and get the heck out of there.
Tend to your wound. Tell the nurses what happened. Ask for shelter. Talk with your college about what happened at home. Don’t worry about financing your studies, there will be a solution but you need to be in one piece for that to happen.
Seek support darling. Women’s Aid is also located in Ireland.
Call our National Freephone Helpline:
1800 341 900
24 hours a day, 7 days a week
or send an email to:
2nd January 2020 at 6:28 pm #94711HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Their website womensaid.ie
2nd January 2020 at 10:48 pm #94762lover of no contactParticipant
Yes call Women’s Aid in Ireland. Google the number. They operate the same as the UK. Keep posting on here daily if you can. And read the posts it will make you stronger to leave. It’s great you have a good friend. Tell the college counselor. Your father is not worthy to be in your presence. He has been blessed with a loving, kind , empathetic daughter but him being an abuser he can’t appreciate this; he needs to hurt you to feel good himself. He has the maturity of a 7 year old. You are way above him and need to get away from him. Google “Shafilea Ahmed” sho was strangled by her dad in their couch with her mum helping. Her older brother chose to align himself with the parents also. Shafilea was bright, caring and gorgeous. She tried to leave but didn’t succeed. She found it hard to leave as she had 2 younger siblings at home. Don’t want to scare you further but abuse always gets worse. Stay strong and don’t let your parents or brother know that you’re speaking out or planning to leave. Say nothing and just get plans in place to leave.
2nd January 2020 at 10:56 pm #94764[email protected]Participant
You can’t take any chances love xx not when it’s your safety xx safety must come first. I had to choose to I have had to go no contact with my daughter as she became physically abusive towards me. It was hard and I hurt still as she is my blood but I couldn’t go on being abused. What I’m trying to say is this is doable and it is best xx choose to get out because you must put yourself first hun xx love diymum 💕
2nd January 2020 at 11:01 pm #94765lover of no contactParticipant
We are all here for you. Speak out and you won’t be alone. Abuse thrives in silence. You are isolated enough where you live. If they abuse you enough that your going to college is sabotaged you will be totally isolated and under their control. Forget them and their nasty ways and focus on getting those schols exams. Easier said than done. But try.
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