physical contact

[Confused123]

Hi Ladies

This is a weird one, but well will run pass u ladies anyway, as im rebuilding myself and having contact with people , oassionaly the male people when they greet me will just give a light peck on the cheek on both sides, no harm intended, just the circle they are in thats how they greet people once they know u, i have got to know loads of new people over the past year which is great but have noticed myself that i find it hard to accept the peck on cheek, sounds stupid cause they dont physcially kiss cheek , just make close contact, but enough to make me feel as if am in danger zone , but their is no danager, i just after realise that i have a delayed respone go into what feels like to shock mode as how did someone came so clsoe to me, after i have moved away from them. it feels so wrong to have let someone get that clsoe to me yet there is nothing wrong. I remeemebr last week i was with my team for work who we meet up with every four/six months and he did same and said relax dont be shy, again this guy is so sweet and knew meant nothing by comment as knows i came from an abusive partner and is very respectful about allowing me my personal space. I worry ahead as i do that if i cant even let a guy kiss me on cheek how when i get a partner will i be in terms of letting him get close to me . I hope these men cant sense how i feel when they peck me, yet i have no problems when guys hug me …. how are you ladies with any physical contact. I know i have made loads of progress since i left ex, when i first left ex, i felt aqward with just my brother sitting beside me and accepting hugs from anybody including family ,i actually used to feel emotionless and not even feel hug, its madness what these men did to us, slowly i feel emotionss comming back, i still cant cry freely which is frustating as a good cry can take me a week as can only cry for few min, slowly i start to recgnoise anger feelings towards what ex did, but even that is hard as he never let me express anger, but anyway before i go off track, any tips or advice ladies

[Relieved]

Hi Confused, I always feel awkward in social situations when you are supposed to peck on cheek as a greeting. I hang back unless I know the person really well – I avoid having to do it, would prefer just a hand shake but have been horrified when they(always men I find) pull you into them when you offer your hand and then the confusion of which side of the face to go for first! Hate it – I feel like I’ve been grabbed! I am wary of all men these days as to me they are all potential abusers – I hope I can get over that as I would like another relationship in the future.

I also feel emotionless in certain situations but I put that down to my parents telling me from a very young age that it is bad to show your emotions so I think I shut them down sometimes.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Confused,

The place where I volunteer has some people with learning difficulties there and one of them always makes a bee line for me and wants to hug me. He only means it in a harmless way but he’s a big guy in his 40s and I find it makes me feel uncomfortable and like I am having a boundary crossed if I let him hug me. I got him to do a handshake instead but now that even bothers me, I just don’t want any physical contact with any men whatsoever as I am so suspicious of their motives and feel that they just want to touch my body.

I’m so used to letting people violate my boundaries so as not to appear rude, one of the positive things that came out of my awful relationship was realising that I needed to start asserting my boundaries and if people think I’m rude then it’s their problem! This man is totally fine with me not hugging and has accepted my boundary so I’m going to keep doing this, just go with what feels comfortable for you and don’t worry what others think. xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi con123

It’s still early days regarding male contact of being hug and peck on the cheek. Some people that have never been in abusive relationships don’t like it. So just because you were happy in the past doesn’t mean you need to be now. In the same frame it doesn’t mean you won’t be comfortable in the future with that contact.

With what we have been through we have envoled in to a better stronger person. Do you document beat yourself up about not liking that contact.

Your a real star xx

FS xx

[Confused123]

Hi Ladies

Im so glad its just not me then ,

releived – your comment made me laugh about not knowing what cheek to give them, i had this exact same problem at begining , or thinking it was just one cheek and they want to do it on both side …lol that was so aqward and funny for me, yes am getting there slowly in picking up vibe that they not going to shake hand and going to peck

sunshine rain flower – yes i too try to keep that boundry to shake hands , but as u said as the relationship grows as friends then it tends to lead to the pecks which is why i posted

falling skys – yes u r r ight tour experience does make us stronger. hope u doing well too

[teatime]

I don’t like being kissed and pull away even. I have a woman who I have to be polite to that always hugs me and I can’t stand her.
The only person I let touch me is an ex partner because this person gives me massages and treatments when I am ill. But I could not have sexual contact with him even though I love him..
I do understand your dilemma.But I think you are right to be wary and very sensible.
I just have this feeling you are really great person and your body is telling you that are not ready…

[Confused123]

Hi Tea time

Thx u for your reply, its always good to hear things from different prespective

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