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    • #114208
      BurntOut
      Participant

      Hi, this is my first post. I now know that my partner has been verbally and emotionally abusive throughout & Im trying to come to terms with that. He also had a habit of suddenly smacking my bum hard without warning as i walked past. It was always painful, and i told him it hurt, that i didnt like it and told him to stop doing it but to no avail. He thought it was funny to and always laughed it off and said i was exaggerating. I didnt laugh with him. I said its physical abuse, & disrespectful but he claims its playful and says “no its not dont be silly “ and laughs at me. Thoughts on this please, my head is in such a mess over it all.

    • #114211
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi and welcome. Not only is he assaulting you but he is ignoring your boundaries and dismissing your feelings which I bet is going on in all other parts of your relationship. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? Abusers often disguise abuse by saying ‘it’s only a joke’ or ‘you’ve got not sense of humour’. But their behaviour still hurts and that’s what their goal is. And they continue to hurt you even after you have explained time and time again. It’s like they store our weaknesses and things that hurt us in their brain to use against us. To dominate you and keep control Using manipulation, coercive control, destroying your self esteem and confidence, isolating you, gaslighting you. Abuse is insidious and it’s made up of many little patterns too. Individually you might not see them but keeping a secret journal will help spot his behaviour as Will reading Living with the Dominator. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is also a good book for you. Google the cycle of abuse and see if you recognise that behaviour too x Knowledge Is Power. KIP X

    • #114246
      BurntOut
      Participant

      KIP, thank you for giving me clarity. Reading your reply made my stomach churn because the points you made define my relationship. Im lurching from one conflicting emotion to the next and the confusion is making me feel like im losing my grip on everything. Ive saved your reply to my notepad so i can keep reading it to remind me of what it actually is, because my mind keeps trying to minimise it.

    • #114247
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Hi BurntOut
      Welcome to the forum.
      Now I wouldn’t advice following but that’s what I did with mine when he hurt me on my breast, touching them when I clearly told him not to.
      After I told him not to and it hurts and he dared doing it again in exactly the same way, I realised he was mocking me, so I grabbed a full strong hand down his jewels, squeezing and asking him – with a smile – so do you enjoy this as much as I like you touching my breast the way you do? Isn’t it nice? His grimacing face and incoherent mumbles gave me the answers. He stopped touching me altogether after this episode.
      But he switched to other ways to abuse me. It never stops. There is no point of staying in an abusive relationship, it will always get worse, he will make sure your breathing space shrinks as time goes by. His lack of respect towards you, towards your body and your boundaries is a huge red flag.
      Contact Women’s Aid, to talk your situation through. Stay safe & keep posting

    • #114258
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Burntout

      Welcome to the forum.

      There’s nothing playful here. He’s happy to hurt you. Then happy to tell you that you’re wrong to feel the way you do.

      It is all so very confusing. We know instinctively that it’s wrong but are made to doubt ourselves.

      Keep posting x

    • #114307
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Hi Burntout, and welcome!
      It is abuse. It would be abuse even if it was not painful. Mine does the same, though not as strong to hurt me. Once you’ve told him to stop and he doesn’t, that is physical abuse.
      I started avoiding bending down or turning my shoulder to him. It’s really stressful.
      No, it’s not playful and it’s not ok.

    • #114764
      Optimystic
      Participant

      I’m sorry you’ve had this done to you, but thank you for posting, as have been getting ‘groped’. Always my backside. I don’t like it, I hate it. I told him I hated it and it’s disrespectful. His reply? It’s only disrespectful if it’s done by a stranger. This was very recent, but a few times in succession and it’s only after reading your post and the replies do I realise it’s abusive. I can think of lots of men who wouldn’t do this.

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