Please be wary ladies of where you go for support

[bubbles]

Im not sure iv i’m allowed to post this. I cannot see a problem but my sincere apologies lisa if not.

I float around various different forums some parental abuse and some partner abuse and allot of these forums are moderated inappropriately by unqualified volunteers. Some I have seen the abuse from the moderators to users beforehand had my say to the moderation team and left. Some I have been removed from.

I was removed from a domestic abuse forum some time ago and their reason behind it was that “I wasn’t as broken as I should be” I am a very strong person, at least on the outside, and I have in my past gone through what most survivors have gone through emotionally. However, there was a point in my life where things clicked and I saw things for how they actually were and realised how little my past abusers should be in my life if at all. At the time I was on this forum I was in the stages of the click one day i was an emotional wreck and the next I was on top of the world ready to go at full speed and build my life. They saw this as abnormal behaviour for a victim and removed my but the way they did it was absolutely horrible. It was very publically but also covert they discussed “this person” infront of my eyes before the removed me and they all made some pretty nasty insulting comments about “that person”

Iv recently been using a parental abuse forum however, this was also moderated incorrectly by individuals who were still posting for help themselves. I posted a post which was very similar to one id forgotten I had posted before. Nothing out of the ordinary. I received a reply and my jaw dropped. I could not believe the tyrant of verbal abuse and insults which were in the reply. I had used this forum many a time and had the odd verbal bashing but nothing as bad as this and iv reported it and the comment has been removed immediately. The reply was based on things I had never said in the original post. The poster had completely taken my words totally twisted them added loads of personal insults and thrown them back at me. I hit the report button then re-read the comment to only notice this post had come from a moderator!

I complained to the owner of the board who completely supported the mod. Other users saw what the mod had posted and commented how awful the reply was it was such a disgrace I had my say and said this is wrong too and requested to be blocked. Not only that but the verbal abuse and gaslighting have continued into personal emails initiated by them. Iv ignored them and will go to the police if it carries on but as they are in a different country I doubt there’s much i can do other than divert to my spam box. The moderators also confirmed to me “this has happened so many times before”

So thankyou for reading my stories I just wanted to make you all aware of the seriousness of using appropriate forums moderated correctly. If that would of happened at one of my weaker moments It would of seriously broken me. I can imagine the side effects for a new survivor should this happen to them could be much worse. Stay strong ladies x

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

THxs for warning , what a awful experience, i would recommend u change your email if u can, that is totally unprofessional how they are behaving

[bubbles]

Thankyou I will just send it to spam for now hopefully they will get bored. I will also only be using good forums set up by actual establishments. From what iv seen the ones which have not are snake pits and you’ll only get abused further.

[KIP.]

Hi bubbles, there are very ignorant people in all walks of life but how eloquently you put it. Be proud of how far you have come that you can recognise these people. And not let it affect you too much. Well done for complaining too. If enough people point out their behaviour it might sink in eventually. Well done X

[bubbles]

Thankyou KIP

Yes Ayanna I too was more struck with rage and anger to the point where I would black out I was so angry about what he’d done to me. As I got help for things I calmed down allot now I spend allot of time alone evaluating things when I’m in a bad situation I step back and evaluate it instead of just seeing red. Unless you can vent that anger its horrible to be stuck with it.

I think everyone feels the same pain but peoples perception of strength is based on how the person deals with it. Iv been feeling very down lately suicidal even i think it’s the weather but I have never shown I feel that way to anyone. Iv woken up this morning after a good nights sleep and I have the no more head on. Today i’m determined to get myself back on track no more moping I’v got tonnes of work to be doing so yesterday I was so weak and a mess but today i’m the total opposite and that’s just how I work.

I use the other forums because I can be personal on there where as on here it’s very restricted which suits most but since my main abuser has never used the internet in his life I have no worry about being found the internet’s probably the safest place for me.

The course sounds good I might see if there’s any in my area too. x

[Ayanna]

I agree with you.
I have never been the broken victim. I am an angry and aggressive victim. I am however broken, but this does not manifest in tears and silence. It manifests in wild outbursts, yelling at people, harshly criticizing the wrongdoings of others, self harming when no one sees me, binge eating, overspending, …
I have been told over and over again that I coped well when I never did.

I gave up looking for help and now take what I get easily, which is very little and actually not helpful. But I go with the flow and do other things instead.

There are free courses where I live, which I attend. I am about to establish a friendly relationship with the course facilitators, who seem to understand me very much and in a few weeks they will coach me a little bit. That is expensive, but seems worth every penny.

When you are not the ideal victim everyone lets you down. That is what I learned. Then you need to look for other options, such as one to one coaching. Those coaches are often better in understanding you and reading you than psychologists.

[Grenache]

Can I ask you – was it a women’s only space or not? Because I really think that would explain it. I’ve seen the way they defend rapists online and there is always one guy, without fail, on domestic abuse articles asking for “the other side of the story” (we all know that’s a clever way of disguising victim blaming). I dunno, I’m just saying, there’s a reason I was looking for a women’s only forum when I first started searching.

[Serenity]

Sorry that you’ve experienced this, Bubbles.

I recently joined a Facebook group which I thought would be a great thing, as it was connected to something about myself, but I left the group after 24 hours!

I left not because of something that was said to me, but because of what some people were saying to other, more vulnerable people. There was a distinct lack of empathy and very unsound behaviour being displayed. Some I even recognised as perpetrator behaviour. I also saw a lot of ignorance being expressed regarding abuse and recovery from PTSD. People who were obviously quite ill-informed and inexperienced were being very judgemental towards others.

The site had an administrator, but he wasn’t acting as a moderator, as people seemed to be given free reign to post whatever they wanted.

I think we are very lucky on this Women’s Aid forum. It’s a bitter sweet truth that all the ladies here have suffered so much, but everyone here is so obviously a decent and compassionate person. Lisa is also good at putting us back on track if we unwittingly start moving into sensitive or inappropriate subjects.

[Author]

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