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    • #42773
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I don’t know if anyone else struggles with this, but after being in a highly abusive relationship with someone who ranted at you for everything, wouldn’t it be a better world if everyone allowed you to be yourself again. I am naturally a quiet person who does not enjoy one tiny bit the hustle & bustle of probably what the majority of people enjoy, I would always choose the quieter option. Why does everyone, even professionals have the attitude well we think you should push your boundaries & try something new! Actually why should I, at my age I should know who I am, know my likes & dislikes. With him a complete control freak, a terrifying one, I spent years living in fear of breaking the egg shells I was treading on. I would never have the dam nerve to sat to anyone “I think you should do this or that because you need to broaden your horizons” I also think others just don’t think, Where do they think I am going to get the money from, I have to be really careful. What exactly is it that people do not get, Even suffering severe anxiety due to abuse you are not allowed to feel these feelings, just get over it, move on, he has!!! (yes to the next victim, poor woman I worry for her) I wish people could live by their own moral high ground, actually also look at themselves before they judge. But they don’t, They all think their way of life is the right one, which it is for them. I am honestly feeling I shouldn’t be feeling so ill as the result of his abuse, that even that I’m not entitled to. A really good mind worker pointed out that one day it might just happen to them, My abuser used to abuse so seriously then tell me I was miserable fn cow, it does you good to smile!!! He felt like he lived in a morgue, What a joke he was the undertaker, How can anyone be Happy living with someone who is seriously abusing you, Creating fear, confusion & uncertainty, yelling, scoldings, constantly told you are not allowed to be you, you nerd to do as you are told! I feel like giving people a taste of their own medicine and telling them my views on their life, Like saying I don’t think you should be wasting money going down the pub, I don’t think you should wear that, I think you should do your hair differently, I think you should keep your opinions to yourself. I am suffering really badly from the aftermath of him, Can’t sleep, so Ill, can’t help that, I do feel really ill, even that yesterday had my sister telling me I should not worry about my adult son who lives with me, who also lived with the vile toxic person we lived with, Honestly are people that stupid that they think I don’t know he needs his independence, to be 100% himself. Sister told me he is an adult, er yes does she not think I don’t know That!!! He needs all the help and support I can give him, encouragenent he can achieve all he aspires to, People are just so stupid, we both lived through life with an abuser, Abusers lie, our abuser held us both back, I think that it’s others who need the reality check. Xx

    • #42775
      Ariel
      Participant

      Hi blueberry. I can empathise with some of what you have said. I too get people saying to me you should do this and you should do that. The worst one at the moment is when the girls at work are arranging a night out and one will say infront of me “there’s no point in asking you because you won’t be allowed” and then she proceeds to go on and tell me to do this and that. Sometimes I think other people are doing the same as my partner. Constantly telling me what to do etc.
      I’m sure you are doing everything right by your son. Well done for getting out. At least you are free from your ex. I hope to be one day.

      • #42779
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi I hope you are too. People are abusing you because they do not understand what it is like living around an abuser, They look at us as weak and pathetic & feeble for not standing up to the bully who controls us. They think that they wouldn’t put up with that, how wrong they are, even the strongest of women are abused,and badly abused too, something I have slowly learnt about, I always thought that it was because I had a nervous disposition, because of other events that had happened in my life. You are not weak and you have every right to feel embarrassed maybe by their comments, Rise above it if you can, I know that is incredibly difficult to do because I had exactly the same thing, why don’t you just tell him!!! They have obviously never lived in fear or been constantly criticised, or been around a controller. When others make you fell you are inferior for not being like them, they are in fact being abusive for saying there was no point in asking you. If they were nice and kind they would not say that, I think it was said to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t ever feel that, although I do it myself all the time, take everything to heart. He made me feel so defective in every aspect. I asked his permission, did everything in my power to pacify a constantly angry man, I couldn’t even do nice things like he’d tell me “do not touch my desk, do not clean it” I wouldn’t he’d then after weeks say “you clean everywhere else but you never clean my desk” Then I did it, when he got home it was gleaming, I said “look at your desk, I’ve cleaned it for you” He snapped aggressively “I didn’t ask you to fn do it did I” This was a daily occupance with him the last few years, eggshells 24/7 So you quite literally can’t do anything right. X

    • #42791
      Serenity
      Participant

      I suppose what we- as people pleasers- should be working towards is not caring so much when people think- and stop fearing that we will end up alone if we don’t please everyone ( the right people will stay and admire our strength).

      My counsellor homed in on my tendency to worry about what other people thought. She was trying to get me to see how I didn’t need others’ approval of to listen to others’ views of I didn’t agree with them.

      I agree- I am from a family of bolshy women and I was always made to feel I should be more like them. In fact, I’ve begun to a ceptand embrace my individual personality. I’d rather be the real me than pretend to be someone else. I think
      Finding peace with who we are is vital for our health.

      There was a quote I read which I loved which said that maybe the process ( of healing/ of building our future) is not so much a process of becoming, but ‘unbecoming’ everything that is not the real us, things bossy people tried to make us become.

      I think I had a pretty clear idea of who I wanted to be before I met my ex, even knowing as a teenager what was important to me. He put me down for those things, and tried to make me idolise his twisted values. Also, certain bossy family members have tried to control and negated me over the years just for being different to them.

      I think I now know who I am and won’t tolerate being judged or told to become like someone else. As long as I am not doing anyone any harm, no one has a right to comment. Those who comment on others are actually the type of people who won’t tolerate comments about themselves. They can dish it out, but they can’t take it.

      Walk tall, Blueberry. Be proud of who you are.

      • #42799
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Well said Serenity I feel exactly like that. I want to be more confident but not bolshy or controlling or over confident, it just is not who I am at all and I would not be comfortable with it. I’d feel embarrassed to be like it. Xx

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