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I’m still struggling to not always feel guilty when I pull away from my husbands advances – it would be solved if I could respond in this way .
Through the years after my husband lost his temper with the children – And physically hit them more than a smack I was dead inside and felt horrendous that I didn’t leave there and then but when he was in that angry state I wouldn’t have been physically able to get away .
So I just went along with sex so there weren’t any arguments.
Around the time of our last child (detail removed by moderator) , this co incided with a stepping up of his wanting sex and then , my dad died suddenly, I was in shock over this and had my mum to support and sort out all her practical things to run the house .
I couldn’t be physical at all. He felt rejection and seemed to step up the desire to want me to be physical . Terrible arguments. Us having marriage guidance sessions – I was relieved as I though when I described these things she would immediately say that wasn’t right . But she hasn’t , and I feel confused . I can’t even be honest with therapist as I’m afraid of his reaction after the session. So it’s all awful for me . And I’m supposed to Work on my “inhibitions “ so every night and every morning he instigates it – touching me in sexual places – I can’t engage . Most of the time he’s says , you’re supposed to be getting better –
Don’t have your legs clamped shut , .
When I said he was obsessed he lost his temper big time , like I put in the original message .
But I still feel guilty that I can’t give him what he wants .
When I was looking after my mother who had cancer (detail removed by moderator) , I stayed with her for (detail removed by moderator) .
He text me the night of (detail removed by moderator) , came over to her house where I was , and wanted sex . As I was afraid to say no and couldn’t he doing with an argument I went along with it , and afterwards I was completely freaked that he had done that .
He then text me when he was (detail removed by moderator) asking me to take photos of myself in my underwear and that he was buying me a silk nightie for when I got back . I couldn’t understand why he would do that when I was under stress caring for my mum with cancer .
Sorry to got on . -
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This sounds awful Waterfoot. I hope you’re feeling okay within yourself. This sounds very abusive what he is controlling you to do. I don’t have much advice to offer on this side of things as I stopped any form of sexual contact with my abuser well over a year ago. I’m lucky that he isn’t forceful in this area. He’ll just go and get it fr somewhere else 😕 it sounds quite harsh but it wasn’t a pleasant experience anyway so I don’t miss it. Have you spoken to anyone else about what happens? X
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Thank you for your advice much appreciated
This morning Very early he woke
Me up – he was stroking me , it wasn’t sexual , but I have talked to him before about doing this . I said “you’ve woken me up , why do you do that “ . He said “because you hate me “ and the he poked me in the arm with his finger .
I’m just looking to know what this is , and it provides a log for me when I write it down . -
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Hi Waterfoot, I just wanted to say it sounds like you are holding the guilt and responsibility for this and ‘working on your inhibitions’ makes it sound like the ‘problem’ is all on your shoulders when it isn’t. First of all, please give yourself some time to seriously reflect on your husband’s past and present behaviour. If it helps, seek professional support, speak to the helpline or chat and write things down. Firstly, you are not to blame, you are not responsible. It sounds like your husband uses violence/aggression to coerce you into sex and being intimate – in other words, it is a choice he makes that works for him because it gets him what he wants. Also, he is objectifying you and your body which is wholly inappropriate at a time when you are grieving and coping with many varying demands. I have been through this and it is extremely lonely. When you need support and compassion from him you are not getting it. It is natural not to want sex, or be intimate with a partner who is ignoring your feelings and treating you with contempt or threat of aggression if they don’t get their own way. As someone once said ‘the body keeps the score’. It is often the first sign that you have ‘woken up’ to his behaviour and are seeing it for what it is and this may have started long ago with his violence towards your children which you felt powerless to stop. Your husband is all about control and dominance, not about love or intimacy. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this at a time when you have so much else on your plate. Wishing you strength and to let you know you are not alone.
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I think it is about control, yes he can wake you whenever he wants, he is objectifying you. You don’t exist for his gratification. Not OK. You are a human being. You deserve respect, love and affection, support, understanding and validation. The ‘because you hate me’ is a pity play and is another form of manipulation.
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Follow your gut instinct Waterfoot. Your minds telling you this is not okay, so it’s not okay. It sounds like he has no concept of personal boundaries whatsoever. You are his wife but not his personal property like a car etc where he can use it whenever. This isn’t okay xx
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