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Hello!! i tried to make a post already, but i did something wrong so this post is gonna be a bit different.
I need help to figure this out. ive been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. its been the worst year of my life i think. it started out perfect, but now i have excema and debt.
I’ve tried to leave him twice before because i couldnt take it anymore. Both times it hurt too much to leave and be alone. there have been times when i had perfect clarity that he is emotionally abusive but my heads all fuzzy now with things concerning him. im confused.
to give u guys a bigger picture, my mental health consists of depression and anxiety. I was finally getting better when i met him after dealing with a big loss.
(detail removed by moderator) months later i cant afford my meds because ive had to quit my job because one day i was late and he started yelling and being scary and because of my avoidance issues i quit my job that day.
the situation im about to describe happens basically everyday.
1. me being anxious
2. me asking for help/him noticing
3. him being upset and frustrated at me while “helping”
he says its because hes frustrated at himself that he cant help me. but his frustrations and anger get taken out on me.
he wears a frown while helping me (like a hand on my shoulder) and when i asked him why he looks so dead to the world he replies with “oh you want me to smile too?!” he appologized for this afterwards but im including this example to show you how his anger ramps up for reference and as sometimes he doesnt say sorry.
He talks about my anxiety like hes a psychologist. hes used words like severe and he tells me i need help and that i have to get help because he cant do this for much longer.
another situation is that when we go grocery shopping as i am not very good at it i ask for help to figure it out. he normally becomes very frustrated or stand offish and tells me he cant grocery shop for me and occasionally hes said things like youre an adult, or he’ll throw that word in.
this is quite a short summary, but please tell me if this is emotionally abusive or not, and thank you so much for reading.
I will add to this later if im feeling up to it. -
Hi and well done in taking the step to post on here💞 it’s hilarious when they tell us how bad our mental health is yet aren’t medically trained to do so. He has you in what’s known as the FOG of abuse, it stands for fear obligation and guilt and once the FOG starts to lift you’ll see his behaviour so much clearer, I promise 💛 have you heard of trauma bonding, it’s like Stockholm syndrome, where we love the person who hurts us. It’s caused by a chemical reaction in our brain, our love fir them is scientific, once we look at it so objectively, any emotional attachments do lessen, but it’s not easy. The longer you’re with a person who is abusive, the harder it is to decide to leave. Literally take baby steps.It’s 2 forward and sometimes 20 backwards. Give yourself time, don’t rush. What you’ve done today is a huge step, actually writing down how you’re oh is, recognising that he hurts you, emotionally, verbally and financially and probably in other ways which are hard to acknowledge never mind accept. Have you journalled any of his behaviour or even spoken to your doctor about how his behaviour, which sounds so trivial and silly when we try to explain it, but taken over a period of time, in cycles, that adds up to abuse. Take your time, sleep when you need to, even throw things, I’ve gone through old crockery and glassware at times, kept it specifically when things are to much.😉 realising our oh is abusive, coming to terms with it, it’s very like the stages of grief you go through when a loved one dies. Ask any questions of us, there’s always someone here who’ll have an answer or be able to guide you to someone who can. Keep posting when you’re able to, of you don’t have the energy for that, just read others posts, it can be like open up the fir to your own life, so many of our abusers could be yours. There’s no stereotype of abuser, the same as there is no stereotype of woman who’s abused. We recommend each other reading material every son often. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it’s available as a free pdf, the abusive relationship by pat craven is another one, she describes different types of abusers and your oh can be a mixture of some of them or all of them. He might not even be like any of them but it doesn’t make him any the less abusive.
I can tell your oh gaslights you, belittles you,makes you feel worthless and useless. His temper also scares you so much so that you’re probsblyv always thinking if you’ve said or done the right thing z least anything around or put away that will annoy or upset him. Living with someone like that is terrifying ans soil destroying. We become a shell of who we were, as my name says, I want me back, and I’m nearly there, getting stronger day by day. Everyone’s timeline to seeing who they live with, how y they’re going to leave to actually foing iut differs. Wee read everybody’s posts fir tips in how to live worth them, until we are ready to go. One day you’ll have your enough is enough moment. You might not think so just now, but it is there waiting for you to go right that’s it.
Take care sweetheart, you took your first huge step in getting away from him today , the hardest journey starts with one small step (Chinese proverb)
IWMB 💕💕 -
your anxiety is probably made alot worse because your walking on egg shells around him. anxiety is such a horrible thing to deal with it makes you feel like you dont know which way to turn. i think he is definitely playing on this – it gives him control over you and then by scolding you, he knows youll have to work hard to get into his good books. narcassists behave like this its all to fuel there ego. its confusing and scarey being treated like this – maybe womens aid national help line would be a good start for you xx sending you strength and a hug 🙂 much love diymum
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I finally got out (detail removed by moderator) ago. I want to say thank you because since I posted this Ive read those replies over and over again. I’m still unfortunately in contact with him a little because he still has some of my stuff, but it’s almost all over.
It still feels like he’s in my head, but every single aspect of my life has gotten better since I’ve gotten away.
I don’t have excema anymore, I got my job back (the exact one I lost, but now in a different place) I quit smoking, and I can actually drive again and get through my day like a normal person.
Since I’ve left I can see so much more clearly how bad it was and it feels like new memories keep resurfacing each day.
I still do have trouble remembering the past year, and I’d rather not sometimes, but each memory that comes back keeps me farther away from him and that is something I value more than almost anything.
Without reaching out, I don’t know how else I could have done this. But I’m so glad I did and thank you so much again.
You helped to save my life. -
Hey, glad to hear you’re breaking free. Any contact with them is toxic. Ask yourself if the stuff he has is really worth contact? The memory loss may be due to the trauma you suffered. Perhaps think about getting some good counselling. Sounds like you’re doing great and it’s great your overall health and wellbeing is improving. We just can’t see what’s going on when we are traumatised x
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Oh, well done, Blue! He really had you undermined, didn’t he?
Do you think you can let go of the stuff he’s hanging on to? It’s just a way for him to have rent-free space in your head, really. He enjoys having his foot in your door, I think!
If it’s irreplaceable stuff like your childhood picture album or the sole manuscript of your first novel, or valuable stuff like your late great-grandma’s diamond tiara, you could give him a deadline, say a week or so, to drop it at a friend’s place (not yours!) with the warning that you will involve the police if he doesn’t comply.
If it is easily replaceable, though, why not flex your muscles by messaging him with “You can keep my old fridge/tatty slippers and dressing gown/stained sofa/collection of Take a Break magazine if it means that much to you. I’ve bought a new one now anyway. Bye.” And block him?
That is the way to freedom!
Flower x
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