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Please help. I had a pretty good day yesterday. Today…not so good. I absolutely detest and hate myself and I feel like I’m going mad.
After the initial flurry of voicemails/texts when he found me gone (understandable as he will have been in shock) he’s now being calm and reasonable. Asking me (quite rightly) for the money I owe him so that he can sever all ties. I now feel like I was overplaying the whole thing and overreacting; and that leaving in secret was a manipulative tactic on my part to get sympathy – since the extreme reaction I was expecting didn’t materialise.
I left a pet – which he has no way of looking after when he’s working (he’s semi-retired) as he works away (admittedly his choice). He had the pet before I came on the scene but obviously over the years I’ve come to think of it as mine too. Surely this shows how heartless and cold I am? I didn’t feel I could take it with me as I’m essentially homeless just now. But I did just walk out. I know it sounds silly but I dreamt about the pet last night. I really don’t know what will happen to it and I adored it.
He says that he’s worried what I’m saying about him to the people around me. And I feel guilty because I am, essentially, badmouthing him (but only some people know the full truth). However I would never, never say anything bad about him to his friends, mutual friends or family and I’ve tried to think of suitably euphemistic ways of explaining what happened.
He says I’m just using his history of abuse in a previous relationship as an excuse to leave. Says would I have preferred him to lie about it? Says I had no reason to ever feel frightened as he only ever treated me with love and respect. Maybe I am using this as an excuse? Sometimes I feel like I’m a very manipulative person (my mum accused me of doing this very same thing when I left a previous relationship. In fact she called me ‘a monster’). Perhaps I am a monster? Maybe I’m the abuser? Sometimes when I read through the ‘warning signs’ of abuse I can identify my own behaviour. I’m really confused and scared that I may be abusive and I don’t know what to do. Can I get help for this? I know I’m not particularly good at interpersonal relationships and my life is a TOTAL car crash and this may all be part of it.
On a similar note, when I look at the qualities of healthy relationships I see some of his qualities in there. He was always very supportive of my career, the courses I did outside of work and really encouraged me to be the best I could be. And we DID have some laughs. All of which brings me back to the feeling that maybe I was the abusive one in this relationship.
I’m falling apart. Please help.
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Hi there,
Hang in there. What I am reading is a lot of selfblame for which you bear no fault. This confusion hits us because of course there were loving elements, otherwise we would never have stayed and leaving would have been such an easy option that we might not even feel a need to talk about it, it was just bad and we left. Abuse is much more complicated and intricate than that.
You are not responsible for his pet. I can understand why you would feel attached to it, most of us would, but it’s his pet and his responsibility to take care of it. I left (detail removed by moderator) pets, too. Sometimes, we have to save ourselves before we save others even pets. I couldn’t take the pets with me either, I was homeless too. His pet belongs to him, chances are if you had brought it with you, he would have reported it as a theft or made other wild accusations. If he wants what is best for the pet, he would make arrangements. I understand the need as a people pleaser myself to want to fix things, but we can’t fix everything for them and sometimes we simply have to walk away and leave the guilt where it belongs: with the abuser. You are not cold and heartless for walking away and leaving an abuser to deal with his own pet. Anyone who acquires a pet should care for it, they should not expect others to do that work for them. If you are very worried about the conditions the pet lives in, think about contacting RSPCA perhaps.
Of course he is worried what you are saying to other people, he doesn’t want his secret out in the open. I think he has spun this history of domestic violence really well to display himself as a victim by circumstance who has now reformed himself – and he doesn’t want this image ruined. But circumstances do not make everyone commit domestic violence. Life is harsh for a lot of us, it doesn’t make us assault our partners though. Violence is a choice – he made that choice. It is not a smear campaign for you to tell the truth. I feel it’s very important that the few people I have in my life now after the break-up know enough of the details to know what I went through. I doubt I will ever tell them everything, but I will continue to tell and do not regret having told them enough of what happened to me at the hands of someone I loved deeply. You do not have to tell everyone, you can simply say it did not work out and the relationship is over and leave it at that, but do not feel that for those close to you, you can’t be honest and say what happened. Abuse escalates. For me it started with put-downs disguised as jokes. For which I felt awful for not having a sense of humour. Then came a push here and there. Then a trip to A&E for stitches. Then wondering if I was in fact dead or still alive, almost feeling disappointed to realise I had survived yet again. Do not feel guilty for having had the courage and bravery to get out early. Even if you had left just because of his history, that is a perfectly valid reason to not want to be with someone. It’s one of the reasons why Clare’s Law exists so that we can make an informed choice about whether we want a relationship with someone who has a history of abuse or not. I notice how he isn’t giving you many options – it’s either accept his history or accept him lying about it. He forgets you can accept his history and leave too. He forgets that his previous conviction will always be there and while it’s good he told you about it, I wonder what else came before and even after that conviction that he hasn’t told you about. He sounds very much like some of the abusers in “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft who would twist it and make it seem like they have reformed when in fact they have not. And all the while he continues to pile on the guilt onto you. All abusers use that tactic, make their victims feel guilty. But you have nothing to feel guilty for. You recognised something in him that made you feel you had to leave – hang on to this gut instinct if you will. It’s trying to protect you.
You are not a monster and you are not an abuser. Someone once wrote on here that the sheer fact you can contemplate you might be the abuser, proves you are not. Abusers would simply not care to self-reflect like that. Sometimes living with gaslighting and emotional, psychological abuse can make us react in ways we normally wouldn’t. I think this might be what you can recognise in yourself when you read these lists of abusive traits. Sometimes we do pick up some of these and have to unlearn them. Sometimes we react in ways we normally wouldn’t because we have been placed in an impossible situation. That doesn’t make us abusive. I didn’t want my ex to order me to picture him having sex with other women – so I told him to stop. He called me controlling and jealous. I wouldn’t have had to tell him to stop if he hadn’t for sometimes 10 hours straight told me to imagine him f***ing another woman in our bed. My jealousy can certainly be viewed as an abusive trait, and I hate myself for having been so jealous, but it wouldn’t have been there if he hadn’t put these images in my head. Be kind to yourself and recognise this as him placing all guilt on you. Remind yourself of the bad things, write a list and read to yourself when you feel your resolve weakening. Write down what he did and how it made you feel. You did not deserve his abuse and it was not your fault that the relationship had to end.
Think about calling WA too for a chat, I find that the women on there always validate my experience and I come away feeling believed and relieved. Think about talking with your GP too. It sounds like your mother may have played on guilt-tripping you too, so perhaps some counselling can help you stand firm and reject this misplaced guilt. The guilt is not yours to carry.
Keep posting and hang on in there x It will get easier with time, this time is so very very hard but if I can get through it, anyone can x
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Thank you, thank you, thank you AlwaysSorry. I can’t tell you how much your post means to me.
I’m crying reading your words. It breaks my heart that you had to go through what you did at the hands of someone you loved.
You will never know how much you’ve helped me.
Lots of love xxxx
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No, nope, no way.
You are not the abuser here. I felt exactly same way as you. This is part of the abuse. They flip and change their tactics because they want you to feel responsible. The guilt is one of the hardest things to overcome, and it’s hard to overcome because they cause you to doubt yourself and your own reality. It’s dangerous. It’s gaslighting. It’s abhorrent. They surprise you because you come to expect a certain reaction, then when the jig is up they have to change tactics and change how they react. It’s insidious and harmful. We doubt ourselves because we have the capacity to reflect and we are empathic. We can see things from other points of view. They just manipulate.
Of course he’s worried about what you may or may not be saying. It’s all about him. You may not be saying anything, but of course he has to play the victim now and make you feel bad for his actions. What I am learning is that these people are SCARED. They do not feel scared for any other reason than for their own selfish interests. It’s not that they feel remorseful. If they truly did they would speak to you in a genuine way and earnestly seek to talk it out like mature adults, but they don’t. We are not perfect and there may be mistakes made, but you are never responsible for bringing abuse on yourself. Abusers don’t have to be horrible 100% of the time. If they were no one would ever be with them. It’s the good moments that keep you hooked in. AS is completely right – abuse escalates. The fact he has a known history is a warning sign. People can change, but he doesn’t sound like he has as the tell-tale signs are all there.
Hold on to your truth. Keep posting and stay strong and true to your username x
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Thank you so much BeautyMarked. One day I hope to be able to help others the same way you’ve just helped me. It means so much to have people here who understand – although it breaks my heart that you’ve had to go through such pain. I hope you’re healing and have so, so much love and support around you xxxx
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You’re welcome. And you will. I’m hardly in a place where I feel strong. Some days more so and other days not at all. It’s awful to know that we have this common pain to bear, and yet it’s a blessing that we have this community who understand exactly how you feel. It’s tiresome being surrounded by people who don’t ‘get it’. Sometimes I want to educate and other times I just shut those people out as the ignorance frightens me. We will all get there and I’m so glad to have found this forum. It’s strange that my best source of support is coming from people I don’t even know. It feels a shame that I don’t know you all and yet I know something very valuable which is that you are all strong, supportive and wonderful – deserving every happiness xx
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BeautyMarked I so know what you mean! Good days and bad days. However I know that gradually our good days will start to outnumber the bad.
It’s so painful when people don’t ‘get it’ isn’t it? It just seems to add to our already very well-developed sense of guilt and responsibility. I just pray that they will never have reason to ‘get it’ if that makes sense?
I’ve been surprised by people both ways. Some folks who I thought would judge have blown me away with their insight and understanding. Others have sadly been the reverse.
Please keep in touch and know that we all have your back
X*x
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