Please help me find clarity, is he an abuser? Also is it rape?

[bellatrix]

I’m just going to write all of this down because I don’t really know how to process it all. I think I am a victim of abuse but I’m not sure. My friends and family tell me I am a victim of emotional abuse and grooming but I can’t be sure. Around (detail removed by moderator) years ago I met and fell in love with an extremely funny charismatic charming man. I was (age removed by moderator)  in my first year at university and he was (age removed by moderator) in the same year. The first 3 weeks were a whirlwind of intense bonding, within 2 weeks he said he loved me and we were inspirable. I missed out on allot of my university classes because they were early in the morning and we would stay up late laughing and watching movies and I would over sleep and so not go in but I didn’t care because I was so loved up and happy. Then (detail removed by moderator)he made a friend who I quickly became wary of. Long story short they had an affair and I found out by finding photos of her on his laptop. I forgave him because I thought I wanted to save him. That I was clearly not loving him enough nor being myself around him so how could I be angry at him when he didn’t really know me. I was so shy around him so obviously he was unfulfilled and found someone else.
This led to a very complicated following year. I took him back but constantly struggled with insecurity and would break up with him then take him back repeatedly only to then find out that on our breakups he was sleeping with other women. He told me that this was because he was hurt and this was his way of coping, which I still sort of believe.
He would never ever get physically abusive with me, which is why I doubt being on here. However I used to question that he had bipolar because he would have mood swings. Some times so intense and charming and present and other times so distant like I was an annoyance. There was also subtle put downs frequently like commenting on my spots and complimenting the outfits he wanted me to wear. He loved when I wore my glasses and tights with shorts he said looked so cute. I guess that’s weird looking back on it he liked when I dressed ‘sweet’ and somewhat immaturely. He made comments like you look ‘mumsy’ when I tired to go to the gym and had a p***y when I burned pasta and didn’t run a bath for him, said I ruined his day and made a big scene. That being said I still think I’m over exaggerating and focusing on the bad bits there were allot of good times.
Anyway skip allot of this back and forth behavior and I’m pregnant. He convinces me to have an abortion says that he’s to young etc. I go through with it and regret it more than anything then leave him. A month down the line after he sleeps with another women he is depressed says he wanted our baby and that I didn’t give him long enough to process it. Threatens suicide, turns into a homeless lookalike, seeks counseling, it’s all my fault and he wants me back. During this time he throws a glass at my back in a club with our friends because he had a panic attack because I ‘the girl he loves so dearly’ wont talk to him. (detail removed by moderator).
I don’t have a chance to take him back because my mothers called the police after throwing stones at my window at 2am.
Oh yes he also ripped a wall hanging of my wall and stormed out slamming my front door because I asked him to leave my house after finding out he kissed yet another woman when seeing me. This was actually a little scary and I remember curling in a ball on the floor in my hallway crying to my housemates to not let him in again.
ANYWAY yes police. He’s on bail and hates me, I’m a psychopath that called the police and over exaggerates everything. I refuse to tell them anything and defend him all the way, I still do to a certain extent. His hating me is the best thing that could have happened really because it kept him away. Well so I thought.

I have a new boyfriend now I have done for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years. However at the start of last year my ex told me he still loved me in a club. I cried to him that I defended him to the police and was sad that he hated me and was so sorry for everything I put him through. Since that night the communication started creeping in. First online, then at work we became friends I started trusting him again. He’s very flattering saying that he’s not over me that we’ve always had a very intense special relationship. I believe him because for me it was intense and special most of the time. My current boyfriend and I are long distance and it’s hard and lonely; my ex was filling the void with compliments and so on. He walked me home after work and would say things like “you aren’t happy in your relationship” and “it’s always been you”. We kissed one night and I’m not proud. I’m so drawn to him and I can’t understand it. After the kiss I start noticing he’s really pessimistic towards me the criticism has come back. I snap back to reality and block him on everything, however he’s just emailed me and my heart has dropped into my tummy.

My friend thinks he’s groomed me once again but I think that I’ve played my equal part, that I’m almost knowingly drawn in by the fire. I disregard my current boyfriends stability, loyalty and care for him and I don’t know why. I guess after all of this that is my question. Why am I so up and down? Why do I both hate and love him? Why am I afraid but also drawn to him? Why do I find it so hard to cut him out of my life? Some days I think yes he is a n********t and it freaks me out and other days I think no he’s not and I defend him fiercely. I feel like I can’t trust my own mind for it’s always changing on me and this is exhausting.

There is also one other I guess pretty serious thing I’m questioning. Our sexual relationship was always pretty special and intimate he said that this is what made us so close however towards the end I would sleep with him and then self harm and cry. I’m not even sure why I think mainly it was due to the post abortion trauma. I hated him but I was also so incomplete with out him. That’s not what I’m meaning to talk about though. There was a time I mean to talk about was when I was pretty drunk. We were having sex and I then kind of passed out / pretended to be asleep. I was consciously awake but I was limp on him like a rag doll (I don’t know why!) he said my name a few times and I just didn’t respond but he carried on. In fact he put his finger in my a**s and continued until he had finished. Then ‘woke me up’ to laugh and say that he had finished inside of me. The truth is I was awake the whole time. I truthfully don’t know why I didn’t say anything. It’s like I pretended to be passed out. I neither wanted it nor didn’t want it I was simply complacent. Is this rape or not? My friends tell me that it is but I am so confused I consented initially right and was acting really weird so surly that isn’t.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

It sounds like an abusive relationship to me, with the quick involvement, fast intimacy, the wanting to see you all the time, jealousy yet complusive cheating on you, throwing things at you, threatening suicide, emotional manipulation and ‘hoovering’ which is where they contact you after it’s ended repeatedly in different ways, often very craftily, all designed to reel you back in before they start up the abuse again.

Sometimes it is hard to define rape but him continuing to have sex with you after he thought you had passed out sounds like rape because you would not have been able to consent.

Have you rung the helpline? I too was so confused if I was in an abusive relationship or not so I rang the helpline and felt silly at first but they confirmed that I was being abused. Look up the Cycle of Abuse and the Power and Control Wheel on google. I would also say that your ex sounds like a classic Cluster B type personality, such as a sociopath, psychopath or n********t. If you read up on these personality types you may recognise your ex and it will hopefully help you to make sense of it all.

What you are describing about the feeling of love and hate sounds like Trauma Bonding, also very common in abusive relationships. It may be that he is similar to one of your primary caregivers which is why you feel that draw towards him. Therapy could help you to identify the pattern, heal any childhood trauma and regain stability again.

Sorry to hear you are going through this, it sounds very painful. I also hope you are getting some help with the self harm, have you told your GP about this?

[bellatrix]

Thank you so much for responding and for your kind words. I was worried I had gone into to much detail.

I had counciling for a short while after the abortion and the self harm was touched upon then. I think it’s under control since the relationship initially ended a few years ago.

I’ve researched into the cycle of abuse and it is all so relatable. I also hear what my loved ones around me say but it’s like there is this wall up refusing to let me acknowledge the truth. I hear it but I also don’t really hear it if that makes any sense. I make excuses and fiercely defend the relationship. Did you find this to begin with?

Trauma bonding also sounds rather relatable seeing as my previous step father was abusive to my mother before she found her freedom with the help of women’s aid. How would I learn to release myself from this pattern of behaviour though? My mum said she found her own freedom and strength for her children.

[Lisa]

Hi Bellatrix,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds like your perpetrator chipped away at your self worth and well being. You did not consent, unless you can fully consent it is rape. He continued to violate you when you weren’t responding.
Abusive men get into your head and take advantage of your good nature. He will draw you back in with promises of love and affection. The priority should be putting yourself first now.

There is something called the freedom programme which you may find useful. This is a group victim for survivors who want to learn more about domestic abuse and what has happened to them.

You may also want to contact your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support in your area.

You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They are available 24/7 and you can talk things through with a female support worker.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Relieved]

Hi Bellatrix, my experience of abuse was mainly psychological and emotional so I stayed in the relationship for a very long time before finally seeking help. I have a lot of help and support from my local domestic abuse service. It is a real eye opener when you start to understand the tactics used by abusers to keep you under their thumb! I can highly recommend doing the freedom programme. I have to keep away from my ex completely as any contact can suck you back in – a text or an email from him can send me into a downward spiral – it can feel like I’m back under his spell briefly but knowing all this can help pull myself back together.

I also defended the relationship for a long time, making excuses for his behaviour, thinking I must be doing something wrong to make him like he was – trauma bonding or (detail removed by moderator) made sense to me when I read about it – there has to be little acts of kindness from your abuser to make you stay like making you a cup of tea or a meal, buying you a small gift – these make you think he’s not all bad. I was gaslighted constantly too which made me feel I was going mad or my memory was failing!

I hope you get the help you need. Keep posting x

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