Please help me get perspective

[Missbutterfly]

I don’t know if it’s me or him anymore that is the problem. 2nd marriage. First was abusive and was with him (detail removed by Moderator) years and now it feels like patterns and 🚩 but I am doubting myself all of the time so hoping someone might be able to instil some clarity for me as I feel like I am losing the ability to. We keep falling out and every single time it is all me, all my flaws, all my mistakes, criticism around money as admittedly I’m not great with money and have built up some (manageable) debt over the years – we don’t have a joint account, he transfers me money each month and all bills are paid and up to date every month. The debt (credit cards) is being paid plus extra to minimise interest. He keeps telling me how much he has done for me, how he’s not a bad person, how I’m the problem … he keeps messaging my sister telling her how out of order I am. He takes zero responsibility for anything. I am old enough and ugly enough to be able to admit I am not perfect but I feel like I am a told off school child all the time. After a fall out there is no conversation, just silence and avoidance from me (says he gets out the way to avoid upset or arguments) I don’t make conversation either to be fair as worried about arguing. Then out of nowhere he will act like everything is ok, we tick along, he makes conversation all while feeling like I am walking on eggshells. I am often told what I am doing wrong and then on the flip side I am the best thing since sliced bread, he has never known love like it blah blah blah. For context we have a young child. I took the hit at work as he earns most but this has resulted in being off school holidays and not being paid (detail removed by Moderator) – he earns (detail removed by Moderator) times more than me a year. He keeps telling me he pays me what I ask but I feel forever in his debt. He throws at me all the things he has done for me over the years. Sorry for the rambling but not sure if this is crazy making or whether I am just losing the plot. I can seem to see things clearly anymore and just feel bad and like a bad person all the time. I do have a history of anxiety so maybe it is all my head? When we met he told me he loved me in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks which was a red flag in hindsight. He tell me I am hard work and other people would not understand me or would not have got involved because I am complicated. He paints a negative picture of me to people and (detail removed by Moderator) I told him I don’t want to do this anymore and that our marriage is over (via message as will back down face to face as hate confrontation) no I am extremely anxious as waiting for the onslaught 😓 Thank you for reading.

[Sad and alone]

I don’t know if you’re more in tune with abuse having been in an abusive relationship already, or whether it makes you paranoid about things! It sounds like a hard one to figure out.
Constantly criticising and putting you down is not fair. An argument can start for me about anything, but the things he says are always the same. I am a failure, moron, bad wife, evil, pathetic (just a select few). If I say it’s not nice to call your wife these things he says he’s just telling the truth. Similarly he has always been the one to bring money in. I have always done what I was told work wise. My job I had for years was treated with disdain and was told a monkey could do it. When I wanted to change jobs I was told I was better off staying where I was. After that when I wanted to make a temp job permanent he made such a fuss I didn’t take the offer up. But then he says how he’s earned all the money, he’s got us where we are. If I say that’s not fair as I always had to do as he says he just laughs about it and says I’m not a career person and never will be.
I think one of the most annoying things is when you hold your hands up to making a mistake, or not being good at something, and then they use that as further ammo against you.
It sounds like you’ve made a decision if you’ve sent him a text. Do you think he will take it seriously though? Or just try and dismiss it and carry on? I hope for a positive outcome anyway. It sounds like you’ve had enough.

[Bananaboat]

For me, the biggest red flag here is that you’re walking on eggshells.

If you’re truly a partner, a family then I’ve learnt that’s bills, chores, childcare etc should be a concern for both. Not necessarily equal but certainly something you discuss. Yeah ok he earns more so childcare etc falls more on you, I get that but why is he secretive about his money and only sending you ‘what you ask for’ – it’s not a hotel.

Abuse comes in different forms and sadly unless we work on ourselves than there’s a high chance we’ll meet another abuser. After all we don’t like fuss, are happy to shoulder the burden, are self critical, see the best in people, have big hearts and just want to be loved. Abusers take those ‘weak areas’ like self deprecating because we failed or got into debt and throw them at us. Even worse they try to tell us know one else will want us! Hog wash.

I don’t know you, but your post shows you’re in tune with a lot of the red flags and his tactics, so trust your gut! We get hung up on the label ‘abuse’ but ultimately are you happy? As you say you know they’ll be an onslaught but they’re like toddlers and there’s no rhyme or reason to avoiding that, so stay safe, stay strong and good luck with the future. You’ve got this x

[Sad and alone]

@Missbutterfly how are you doing? Been thinking of you and wondering how things have been after you sent the text? Hope you are okay xx

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