Please help x

[Frankiejane]

Long post but would be so grateful for any responses.
I have been with my childrens’ father for (detail removed by moderator) and we have 3 children together, (detail removed by moderator). Things have always been rocky, when its good its great and we can have months with hardly any issues but when its bad its awful. Please remember when you read this that this is over (detail removed by moderator) so it hasnt been all day everyday or I would have left ages ago but because these incidents happen only every so often and then he is lovely again I find it so hard to leave him when he is being nice and begging for another chance. He has always worked and provided for us and we have a lovely house together, holidays etc.
He has always smoked weed, when they were little he would smoke it in the kitchen which I hated and I managed after a while to get him to smoke it outside which he does, I didnt mind this so much when they were little as they didnt know what he was doing on and I always used to ask him what he was going to do when they were old enough to realise what he was doing and he said by the time they were older he would have stopped smoking it, but he hasnt, I have asked him to give it up so many times but he wont even consider it, he always says he will cut down but so far he hasnt it, he smokes it from the minute he gets up till he goes to bed. My children all know what it is as they have asked me and I am not going to lie to them, my eldest daughter hates it and if she goes outside when he is smoking she will shout at him to move because it stinks. I have asked him several times to only smoke it away from the property for instance when he (detail removed by moderator) and he has done this a few times and kept it up for a few weeks but always reverts to smoking it in the garden. He rolls up in the (detail removed by moderator) in front of them like its not a big deal. When my eldest was about (detail removed by moderator) she went through a phase of crying about it and saying I hate dad because he smokes weed and I hate you because you think you are (detail removed by moderator). He knew she used to cry about it and still didnt make an effort to give it up or shield her from it.
He has a very bad temper and for years I have been asking him to get some anger management but he always says he doesnt need to and he is only like he is because of the way we are. He says the children rule the house and he doesnt feel like it is his house. He has admitted to me recently that when he is in a mood with me he takes it out on the children.
Whenever the incidents that I list below have happened I always end up having a go at him and telling him not to speak to them like that and 9/10 it always ends up in me and him having a massive argument as he says I always stick up for them but of course I am going to stick up for them they are my children. When I used to try and explain to him how to parent better he would say in a really nasty way ‘(detail removed by moderator)’
When my eldest was younger she used to play with her (detail removed by moderator) and always used to talk as if she were a (detail removed by moderator) which in my eyes was lovely and I used to love to watch her. He hated this because he hates any kind of noise and would sometimes tell her to stop or would be rolling his eyes at her. She was playing once and without him even saying anything she said ‘ill take my (detail removed by moderator) as daddy doesnt like it’
When the children were little and used to have tantrums he would shout at them and say he was going to call the doctor so he could see what was the matter with them.
When the children were little and they used to (detail removed by moderator) he would shout at them to stop moving, I remember my one daughter told my sister in law about this once and she said oh yeah he used to shout at me when we both lived at home too.
When my eldest was sick in the middle of the night he shouted at her to be quiet instead of helping me clean it up or consoling her.
When the children were younger and they would get up early, he hardly ever got up early with them unless I was ill or had been out with my friends the night before instead he would be shouting down the stairs at them to be quiet and then he would be in an awful mood when he got up.
Once he picked two of my children up from the (detail removed by moderator) all because they were tickling each other and giggling.
Me and the children had been (detail removed by moderator).
One time my daughter (detail removed by moderator) he literally ran up the stairs into her room and screamed at her, I obviously stepped in and asked him why he has to speak to them like that and why he cant just ask them nicely and he said he was sick of asking them nicely, this ended up in a massive argument between me and him and him putting his forehead on mine.
we have split a few times and he has gone back to his (detail removed by moderator) but he has always begged me for another chance and I have gave him, the once he went and came back and I cant remember what happened but it ended up in him smashing a (detail removed by moderator), breaking a (detail removed by moderator) and picture and throwing various objects across the floor. The next day he was apologetic and said if I am nicer then he will be better.
Because of all the arguments me and him have had when he tries to discipline the children (but goes overboard with shouting and screaming in my opinion) for the past (detail removed by moderator) unless he loses his temper big time he doesnt do anything if the girls are ‘playing up’ or fighting. They dont fight often but when they do it is always left to me to sort it out, my two eldest were hitting each other once and there was lots of screaming going on and instead of coming in to help he just stopped in the kitchen, I couldnt break them up and went in and asked for some help and he said (detail removed by moderator).
If they wont stop in bed on a night it is always me who has to deal with it.
He doesnt do this so much anymore probably because I dont go out anymore but when I used to go to the gym and I went out with my friends more he would always be accusing me of cheating and going to meet ‘my fella’. I used to say to him youve been accusing me for X amount of years and never had any proof so why do you keep doing it and he would say because you have changed and its the way you make me feel. however the other day my eldest was scrolling through his phone and when I got back from work she called me into my room and told me she had found searches for (detail removed by moderator) in his web browser.
As they have got older his favourite insults to them are ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ and ‘(detail removed by moderator)’.
He has given me a black eye once but always says this was an accident. I am not innocent as I stabbed him with a (detail removed by moderator) once, it was a superficial stab in the (detail removed by moderator) and I did it because he was shouting in my face in the kitchen and I was scared.
We went to a (detail removed by moderator), he wanted sex and I didnt want it because of my daughter being in the bed and he went in a mood with me and wouldnt talk to me, he didnt (detail removed by moderator) the next day and my family were all asking questions.
A few years ago I fell pregnant, I didnt want the baby as our relationship was not good and also we were living in a (detail removed by moderator). I had an abortion which he didnt want me to have so I can understand he was upset but when I came back home after having the tablet for the abortion and I was having contractions in bed and in so much pain he not once came up to ask me how I was or if he could get me anything.
When we lived at our (detail removed by moderator) and would argue he would chase me up the stairs and I would sit behind the bedroom door, to the point my neighbour said to me once that she was scared for me.
When we were on holiday once a man (detail removed by moderator) and he went bad shouting and then didnt speak to me for a few days of the holiday.
Now the children are older they like to have friends round and to have them sleep over which I have no problem with at all, they are good kids and dont wreck the house so I dont see the problem but he absolutely hates anyone coming round and always has something to say about it, he has even asked me if I am a (detail removed by moderator) twice recently because I like having kids round!
When I (detail removed by moderator) he not once said well done to me, he never even commented on it. I was also going to (detail removed by moderator) the once and he totally dismissed this idea and said something like I was too old and what was the point.
He works (detail removed by moderator) but EVERY day after work he will come back and have a spliff and then go to bed for a couple of hours, this makes me so mad as he could be doing stuff with the children or me or helping around the house, getting tea on when Im working. Ive told him about this lots of times and he will stop it for a few days but then just carry on going to bed.
Every (detail removed by moderator) at the betting office this makes me mad as we don’t have a lot of money to spare at all, the past (detail removed by moderator) I have asked him for some money to get the childrens’ school uniforms and he has told me he doesn’t have any but both weekends he has had money for the betting office.
When we went out on (detail removed by moderator) a couple of years ago he was moaning the whole time saying he needed to get back and had stuff to do, he clearly didn’t want to be there, on the (detail removed by moderator) my youngest was being loud and he said he would ‘(detail removed by moderator)’.
We went to (detail removed by moderator) one day and I dont know why but he was in such a mood and on the way back he was going really fast and driving up the rear of other cars on the motorway.
There is so much more I could write but I think you have an idea of things, but like I say these incidents have happened with periods of time between them, they havent been all day every day or I would have left, I know they are bad and I feel awful for letting my children go through this, my one child has anxiety and my one has been referred for anger management, we have early help involved, the trouble is like recently for the past few weeks there have been no incidents at all and he is being nice and telling me how much he loves me and the children and he knows he can be better and he wants to better, although I have asked him to stop the weed and get some anger management and he says no.
Any response would be appreciated as I actually feel like Im going crazy x

[Eyesopening]

Hi Frankiejane,
I’m in the process of still realising what i have been experiencing is abuse, it takes a very long time, it’s been two years of researching and watching youtube, being on here has been the most help. Also you can reach out to WA and your local domestic services.
I read alot that gathering support is the most important thing, you dont need to tell family or friends all the details, just being with them will help undo some of the isolation you feel and make you feel stronger.
I left my abuser, recently, its extremely hard and i still doubt myself even now.
There are some great ladies on here who can give great advice.
But my ex, would smoke weed every day also, also drink and get drunk a few times or more a week. He always told me he would stop of we had children. I always wanted to believe him. My brother is telling me that people don’t really change when they have kids, or ever really.
So I’m trying to get used to that fact. They make us wish for the better good times.
Dr Ramani (check out her vids on YouTube) also has a video about dangerous driving and abusive people, it’s actually common for them to drive dangerously. I googled it because my ex drove so badly and would make me scared. He would drive fast and have double standards. I would tell him I’m scared and to slow down, but he wouldn’t. Thats a big red flag…
Also make sure you keep a journal, this really helped me.
The cycle of abuse is mixed with good then bad, to make us confused and stay with them.
Also i read Healing from Hidden abuse by Shannon Thomas, she said, abuse is like collecting pebbles, it happens slowly, one pebble for one incident at a time untill your completely weighed down.
Sorry I can’t help more, but your not alone x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Frankie,

I’m so glad you have reached out for some help/support. Please read back what you have written, and now think how you would respond if your best friend told you this was the life she was living? Would you tell her she was over reacting and really needs to accept it and put up with it as it’s not that bad at all?

I can’t help noticing you have used the word ‘rocky’ to describe your relationship. How we love to pick words to replace the word ‘abusive’ so that we minimise to ourselves what we are going through?! From what you have written, your relationship is abusive. Your children are also walking on eggshells around this man too.

Long term use of Cannabis is known to have links to mental health issues and paranoia. I have yet to come across any long term drug user where I can see a positive outcome from this life choice. No matter how much begging and pleading you use to try and get him to give up I can tell you now you will NOT succeed. We CANNOT change people – but we can waste our lives trying. He will only change if he wants to change, and it’s clear that he doesn’t.

It sounds to me that this man brings in the money, but in exchange, you have someone else to look after. It’s like you have another child, but this one is not going to mature and move on in life or move out. Yes, you have been together a long time, but a length of time in a relationship is not a reason to not leave if you are no longer happy, are not fulfilled, and are being abused. I would see it as you have given this relationship many years of your life and tried your best to make it work, but there has to come a time when you have to acknowledge and accept you can do no more. Sometimes, we have to quit. Sometimes, it makes sense to quit. Quitting is not necessarily about failure, or giving up because you ‘can’t be bothered’ any more. Quitting can be the sensible thing to do for your own health. If we quit smoking or drinking no one criticises do they? Everyone congratulates us for giving up something that was unhealthy and doing us no good. So quitting an abusive relationship should be viewed in the same light.

He is keeping you down. As long as you are in a place where you are not encouraged to do well and you are tied to the house and the children, too tired to do anything else, he is comfortable in his power that you will not leave him. He lives his life as he chooses, but you can’t. He’s prepared to gamble money away whilst the children go without the clothing they need. This is not a man who is in to an equal and supportive relationship. He is not nurturing and developing his children, he is stifling them. His abuse is towards all of you.

I’m not suggesting you leave this man today. I think today is your first step in a process where you are realising that this is not the life you want anymore and you are prepared to research your options. Hopefully, having someone validate that your relationship is actually abusive (not rocky) will help you with some decision making.

On a scale of percentages, you have been with this man for around 25% of your life expectancy. Presuming the first 25% of your life would have been from birth to meeting him, you have another 50% to go. That is quite a long time to be spent with someone who treats you like this. You and the children deserve so much better than this.

[Frankiejane]

Thank you both for your responses x really helpful and insightful. I am struggling so much because even though he can be moody etc I think he could be improving, I’ve just read another one of my old diaries from (detail removed by moderator) and in it it says we had a massive argument which lasted all night and he got a knife out to me and called me(detail removed by moderator) told me he had been with someone else(detail removed by moderator). I cannot remember this incident at all and there are a few in there that I don’t remember, one saying he bit me and one saying he hit and kicked me, why can’t I remember these, I know I wouldn’t have made them up as it is a private diary so I would have no need to. But the last time he was physically violent was about (detail removed by moderator)  when he head butted me and gave me a black eye so if all these are in the past should I just forget about them and hope he is changing?

[Eggshells]

Hi Frankiejane

Please Google the cycle of abuse.

The good times kept me an in abusive relationship for decades. I wish I had understood what was happening much much earlier.

His cannabis use has nothing to do with his abuse. He chooses to abuse you and your children. If it was cannabis making him abusive, then he would be abusive towards everyone, not just a select few.

Please believe me when I say that this is damaging your children. I found out the hard way when my adult son became suicidal (after I left his father) because he suddenly realised that his entire life had been manipulated. He followed the path that his father pushed him along and he hated it.

I mistakenly believed my ex had anger management problems. I bought him self help books and asked him to go to counselling. He pretended to read the books and pretended to go to counselling.

After I left, I finally understood that he genuinely wasn’t angry, it was all a show, an intimidation tactic to get his own way and keep us in control.

This is explained really clearly in a boon called “Why does he fo that?” by Lundie Bancroft. Another book which I’d recommend is “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. It might be a surprise to you to learn just how much abuse he is subjecting you and the children to and how calculated his actions are.

[seekingfurther]

My god, reading your post I am seeing my own relationship but in the future.
My partner has a (very) good job but also smokes daily. Multiple times a day. He works from home at the moment and on a working day if he doesn’t have meetings, he can start at (detail removed by moderator), not finishing until he goes to sleep. Having maybe (detail removed by moderator), whatever.
I get so frustrated to because it makes him lazy. I also do wonder if he makes him more aggressive for various reasons. I wonder if uses up his dopamine or he gets aggressive as an excuse to need to “chill out” (honestly I feel like he picks fights to justify to himself to smoke some of the time).
I’ve heard him, many times, randomly shout to himself (detail removed by moderator). You’ve just got out of bed! You’ve done nothing! Nothing has happened!
It leaves me doing everything because he gets so lazy. Although there are some benefits to him smoking because he is a nicer person (most of the time) when he’s high!
He currently has no intentions of stopping. He’s stopped before when we first were together and another time before – I don’t know what prompted those.
He gives himself excuses for carrying on, that he thinks it makes him make better connections, have more profound thoughts etc. I’ve told him before that it’s probably just that he *thinks* that when he is high, not that it’s actually true.
I certainly feel like he chooses it over me. I also think it’s a lot to do with why he won’t do anything or go anywhere (to visit my parents) because it would mean having to not smoke during that time although I’m sure he’d find a way if he could.
No point in telling him to stop, it just won’t happen. I’ve said (detail removed by moderator). Sometimes he agrees and he might do that for a day, two max, but that’s about it.
He’s addicted, 100%. The only way he can stop is if he wants to stop himself.

I’ve also thought that it’s just anger management issues.
He also did counselling (detail removed by moderator), online CBT. It was when we had broken up for a few months because he was shouting so much and he said he felt he couldn’t have a relationship. When we got back together he was actually better for a while, maybe the counselling had worked? If it did, he isn’t using it now.

I’ve thought about our future with children and I can imagining him shouting at them like he does me. If he can’t cope with my behaviour, how could he cope with a 3 year olds? I wonder what impact he would have on them. Even if he only shouted at me and not them, it would be in front of them wouldn’t it? How would they think of me then, or think about how they can talk to women?

I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone, but that I don’t think (as I’m sure you know by now) that these things will change unless they truly see a problem with it. The cons have to outweigh the benefits. Just like an alcoholic, you can’t stop them they have to stop themselves.

Now I don’t know if smoking is a cause to his behaviour, or if it’s a coping mechanism or what. It does make me anxious that if I do leave and am ready to move on, if he came and said he had stopped smoking, would I give it another go? Would I miss out on something wonderful if I didn’t?

[Author]

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