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Dear ladies,
I wanted to post the following.
When I began divorce proceedings, and girl the non-mol, I felt a high- like I had got my power back.
Even though I have never regretted it in my deepest heart, the initial euphoria did wear off a bit. I’ve had to struggle with his on-going attempts to abuse by proxy, etc.
Even though I got the house, to be honest, I still felt some level of trauma returning here every day. This is because his abusive imprint was still hanging about- like an aura/ a good year or two after he was banned from coming here. I’ve been in two minds about my home: loving the home I slogged to build as a family refuge, and hating the still lingering feeling of oppression. I used to dread 5pm every day: him returning, the sound of his wheels on the gravel, his immediate barking at the children, his locking faults with dinner, his attention -seeking and restlessness…it was still here, long after he left.
It’s like a penny has dropped. (detail removed by moderator) years after, Ive truly realised he’s not coming back here. I don’t have to be on tenterhooks- however diffuse this was, and howcunaware I was at the time that the reason for my lack of peace was actually caused by fear of him- the whole day, waiting for his return.
I’ve realised this on a very deep level- and it’s given me such peace.
I wanted to say, ladies, don’t feel diminishedbif you’re not feeling freedom and euphoria the minute you get out. It might take some time. There’s a lot of unbonding to do. But it’s worth the wait x
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I was actually going to post along similar lines! I too have had times of euphoria at each big step only to realise he hasn’t gone away and neither have my feelings. The conditioning becomes so deeply ingrained actually changing our body chemistry. Our resulting reactions to triggers can feel so immediate and visceral that you can’t imagine ever having any control over them. This very evening I calmly wandered out to the bins in the dark and thought ‘wow, look at me now!’
I’ve realised that my life is fabulous now and in reality I only have one lingering problem. Yes he’s still upsetting the children, turning up at school etc but my real problem is still fearing him. There are very good reasons for that, but in reality he can’t harm me in those environments and he can’t come near my home. I need to act as if I’m not scared anymore to convince my body that it’s true. I’m working on adjusting my posture, my walk, my style, going where I like regardless of him. I really think it’s my only hope as I can’t guarantee him ever going away. I also need to convince my children that life is OK and not such a scary place as we’ve learned it is. I do have a sense of wanting to honour the damage he did somehow though, like if I pretend I’m not scared I’ll be saying it wasn’t so bad. Does that make sense? X*x -
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@peacfulpig. Realising my posture was differant was a bit of a turning point for me in recovery. One day I noticed I was not walking along looking at my shoes anymore. I felt I could look people in the eye. Ironically he used to have a go at me about my bad posture….caused his treatment of me I now know!
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