Please Tell Me I Am Not Mad

[strongestperson]

I have recently split with my partner of (detail removed by Moderator) years. He left, much to my relief, about (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He has already found a new “victim” who I feel really sad for, as he is repeating the exact same behaviour as he did with me at the start………the loving posts on social media, the lavish gifts, the trips away…..all too much, too soon…….all which I saw at the time as a warning sign but tried to deny.
But I am doubting myself. Was it me not being grateful, not appreciating him. Did I imagine the controlling behaviour. Him insisting he had passwords to all my emails/social media. Him insisting that he “sees” me every time he calls (now I realise not to see me, but just to be certain of my whereabouts!). His jealousy over time I spent with family and friends, so that it became easier for me to cut off contact.
I see all this now. I saw it all at the time but tried to deny it. But now I am questioning myself if it really was that bad.
But I feel like a fool. I feel sick to my stomach that he is starting it all again with somebody new. I am glad he is gone and desperately trying to move on. But why oh why is it so hard? Why I am awake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and yet so so tired and exhausted. I have had years of insomnia. years of walking on eggshells.
Friends have said I a the strongest person they know. So why did I let a man treat me this way.
Please ladies on here, please help me. I know you have all been through hard times. I desperately need to know I am not alone. I need to know I am not mad.Why do I have still have this awful feeling that something bad is going to happen?

[Eggshells]

Hi Strongestperson

It is completely normal to have so many mixed emotions and thoughts in the aftermath of leaving or being left.

When a relationship ends, we need to take time to grieve and re-adjust.
It takes time to settle into new rhythms and a new life. We have to rediscover ourselves. Abusers play very complex psychological games which lead us into co-dependence and trauma bonding. That makes separation even more difficult and complex and it’s very unsettling.

Acknowledging your feelings is important but it can be really difficult to work out what you are feeling when you have so many mixed emotions.

In addition to trying to deal with the separation, you’re also trying process the abuse and deal with complex feelings around him moving on so quickly.

It is normal for abusers to do this IF they can find an unsuspecting woman. It leaves lots of èmotions and questions to try and process. Pity for the new woman, jealousy that she is getting the “nice” him that you held out for, for so long, anger and hurt that he can move on so quickly and the question of whether he ever actually loved you. Those are just a few of the most common thoughts and emotions. There’s an whole plethora to deal with.

You are not mad, my lovely. This will start to ease and the clatter in your head will start to quieten. Many women find counselling helpful, others find the forum works really well for them. One way or another, time will heal. xx

[strongestperson]

Thank you for you kindness which has almost brought me to tears. I think this forum will help enormously.

[Ariel]

I think it’s raw at the moment and you seeing him with this new woman is just triggering you. You know deep down that what he was doing was wrong and he’ll never change.
How your feeling is now is why I haven’t left yet. I keep also thinking that he will go off with someone and treat them amazingly like in the beginning and she will get the life I wanted. But I’m sure it’s not a real life with these men.
I am trying to build my strength so I’m ready for what your going through now. Mi think you are amazing and have done so so well, I wish I was where you are right now. This is the second time round for me but my previous was so much worse than this time which is another reason I haven’t ended it yet I think.

[strongestperson]

Hi Ariel, Thank you for your response. I am here for you if you need support.We are all here for you. Be strong.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Strongestperson

I have no doubt you are strong, you sound very strong to have endured all that you have, but, even the strongest amongst us have feelings, feelings that can feel overwhelming, especially when, as you rightly say, you have had so much to deal with, overwhelming behaviours to deal with, and because of your experiences with him you can now see exactly what he is doing with his next victim.

You know him, and have suffered his behaviours, but he has manipulated your thoughts and feelings to see things his way, lied and denied, minimised and normalised the abnormal, so, this is how it leaves you feeling.

You can be sure that he is, as you rightly say, onto his next victim. Dazzling her with his attentions, which is very worrying, when you know exactly how this is going to play out for her.

He is coercive and controlling, and this is a woman that needs sympathy for what she has accepted into her life. Try to keep away from what is happening in his life. Centre yourself in your life, and I know its hard to pull your thoughts away from him and back to you, but this needs to be your focus, you. You matter, thisis your life and you need it back, you will need to keep refocussing yourself back onto you and your priorities, what you need in your life and move forwards with your recovery.

I have no doubt you are strong, and can do this, but its going to be a tough one undoing the years of grooming by him, teaching you to live a certain way under his controls and coercions.

This time is for you now, you have your life back now bring your thoughts and emotions back to you.

warmsest wishes

ts

[strongestperson]

Thank you TS for your kind support x

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