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Has anyone ever reported their partner and it has never been followed up? A few weeks ago I did and then majorly regretted it because everything was done in private and I do think it would make things worse as he would then know that I had gone to the police. I was told by the domestic abuse unit that it had to be followed up and that it was a separate division looking into it. I was told someone would be in touch with me and if my partner (loose sense of the word) was pulled in for questioning then I would be told about it. Still nothing and it’s been weeks now. Part of me wants him done for what he has done to me and the other part of me just wants to walk away and never have anything to do with him again so if I contact the police and give them the incident number to find out then it could open a big can of worms…uneccessarily….as at the end of the day it would be his word against mine and he is a very clever man.
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Dear Peacethroughhealing
Not easy!
Always very scarey taking that step, to speak out and make it so real, (detail removed by moderator). Very brave you are!
If you’ve had second thoughts and reall don’t want to go through with this then call the police and let them know this as soon as you can.
If you decide to go ahead then stick hard to your truths and keep stating the facts,get support, and good legal counsel, and chase the police so they can’t just drop it.
Do keep posting, its a hard thing to face but your choice, remember.
Warmest wishes
TS
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The police are extremely busy so it wouldn’t surprise me that you haven’t heard anything. If you have the incident number you should be able to track down the person/division allocated. I think it would put your mind at ease to speak to them. They may be more receptive to your opinion. Just one thing I wanted to add and it’s only from my perspective. I can tell you that I would have regretted not reporting him and following it through. You’re going to feel better and healthier and it’s going to dawn on you more and more just how awful this man treated you. How illegal damaging it was and having not done everything in my power to hold him accountable would have been worse for me. That’s just from my perspective. There’s also a time limit for assault so please ring victim support or chase this up yourself if you think you can x
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Thanks both. There isn’t enough evidence I don’t think as I’m sure I haven’t been through anywhere near what you ladies have been through. The (detail removed by moderator) incident was all in private and the same when he grabbed by throat. I am angry which is a better thing than feeling a massive gaping hole without him. I still love and miss him which I know is pointless because where is it going to go really and he could have killed me. I think part of me is in denial that it didn’t happen to be honest because of all the pretence in the first few months. I’m just surprised that the domestic abuse unit hadn’t been in touch with me even as they said they would arrange for someone to come out and visit me after I was back from my leave the other week. I’ve gone from being petrified when I told them and they said they had to investigate it to feeling a bit let down and wanting him spoken to to put some fear into him. I think before when I was more in the relationship than out I was scared it would be the end of us but now as I’ve not been seeing him I don’t want him to get away with it!
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That’s how I felt and that’s what I mean about your feelings changing. In the beginning I defended his actions to myself and held back with the police, like you I minimised the assault. You just dont know how you will feel from week to week and month to month so don’t close any doors you cannot reopen with the police and make sure you’re not caught out with time limits for reporting. If he is a serial offender and it’s been serious in the past then they may well already be investigating. However, as a victim you very much do have a right to be kept informed. It would be a good idea to contact your local victim support for advice. You can get them to chase it for you. The fact he’s done this in the past is evidence in some ways, it shows a pattern of behaviour.
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The BIGGEST regret I have is not contacting the Police and there were several missed opportunities; this would have been evidence, whether it got to prosecution or not. He went from bad to worse only nowadays he is much smarter and uses child contact and the law to continue abusing me. I have cut contact mostly bar online email for arrangements only which I choose when to open, he has also twigged that these can be evidence so is much more careful when he writes, not always, but mostly – suits me – although I do wish I was completely free of him.
I really wish I had recognised that I can’t do it alone and got the Police to handle him. Would have saved me years of stress and distress x
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I really don’t think he will be in touch and I’m pretty sure that he will have moved on to someone else who doesn’t ruin the fantasy of who he portrays himself to be. When he looks at me now he is angry and sees that I ruined his image and to be with me now would never be the same. Yes I obviously have low self esteem that I would even worry about that. At least I am still alive… I think the longer I am away from him the angrier I will become. I am just surprised that the domestic abuse unit haven’t even been in touch but after I spoke to the police I tried to retract it and was in tears a number of times with the police because I didn’t see the point of reporting it and him being investigated. Part of me wants to find out what’s going on but then it will open things again. I didn’t expect though that they wouldn’t investigate and that I wouldn’t hear anything. I know the police are really busy but they are taking domestic abuse even more serious now.
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Hi Peacethroughhealing,
You are doing so well. Have you thought about speaking to the National Centre for Domestic Violence to see about perhaps getting an injunction? It might be an additional layer of protection for you? Please don’t hesitate to phone 101 and ask to speak to a woman officer from the Domestic Abuse team for an update on your case. They should be able to look at it on the system for you and let you know what their next steps are and a rough time line. Please also get plenty of support here and from your local Women’s Aid group. This is a really difficult time and I hope you can be proud of how far you have come.
We are all here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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I called for an update this afternoon and it will be investigated. They are going to get someone to call me back from the domestic abuse unit to let me know the position of where things are. He has gone quiet and I haven’t heard from him in a few days. I messaged his friend today (not in the UK) to explain why I couldn’t be with him anymore. I didn’t go into details but just said it was about his anger and temper. We had a close relationship and he’s not got back to me so maybe the police have caught up with my (ex)partner. I can’t quite say ex as I do still love him. I know it’s crazy. Nothing would ever be the same after what he did and it certainly won’t be after me contacting the police. He disrespected me, that was the biggest thing. The disrespect, the way he would speak to me. He used to make us up picnics and do so many things and the other day I asked him to make up a picnic and he just laughed at me in disbelief. I should have realised what he was doing was so over the top at the beginning but who’s to say some men aren’t actually that genuine. I won’t be trusting again anyway. I’d rather be on my own. He so near broke me. This forum helps. It’s almost like a diary or just having someone to talk to who understands.
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Hi there. I was thinking that now you’ve notified his friend, his friend will tell him and he may get in touch with you. I know you’re still torn but if he does try to contact you, try to think about getting him to confess via WhatsApp text or email. Even if you choose not to use that confession. It’s there if you need it. In my experience he may well make counter allegations. I recorded my assault. There’s another post just now of someone who reported their ex and he denied it. Luckily she had his confession on WhatsApp. Please ignore me if it’s too much for you or inappropriate. It’s what secured a conviction for me x
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im middle of the road here on this one i contact the police a number of times and had my ex arrested ut was never taken seriously but this all happened a long time ago now. hopefully things have improved. he never got a conviction it was marked on his police record but not enough to stop him getting a full disclosure – so to work with vulnerable people. i really wish i could have done more. as my child gets older i may try to get him for historical abuse but i am scared it will open a pandoras bow as he may try to get child custody again. i have left it for now but i cant tell you how much that knaws away at me, my concience that other people may be hurt or triamgulated by him and the fact he kind of got away with everthing. i wont forgive myself for that so who knows i will either have to suck it up or hopefully historically i can prove him to be the abuser he is x*x much love diymum
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KIP I don’t think there will be another opportunity to record him. I should have done it a while back. I do have texts from him that he sent the other week that were out of order. One liners to intimidate me saying I provoked him (detail removed by moderator). I honestly thought the police had caught up with him and had let him go because they were very random texts but maybe it was on his conscience. I don’t think he will get in touch now. I will wait to see what the police say when they get in touch and will take it from there. I think the longer we are not in contact the more likely I am to want him investigated over it as I won’t have as much of a fear of not seeing him again if the police do speak to him. When I went to the police we were still in a relationship to an extent and I thought that this would be the end of us completely. diymum I don’t want him to get away with it but it’s what it will drag up for me that’s worrying me. He is a very clever man and will say all sorts to protect himself and his mum and dad will big him up to the hilt despite what he has done to them when he was still drinking. I am thinking sadly what is the point and that I shouldn’t have reported anything as you said KIP I don’t have any evidence.
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Hey diy, it’s not your responsibility or job to protect other women. You’re very lucky to have got through what you did and still have your daughter. My child was grown, it was only me I had to worry about. If my child was younger I very much doubt I would have ever involved the police. That’s why it’s an individual choice. You need to be one hundred percent safe. Your child needs to be safe. Karma will get him. Just concentrate on you and your child. I also had strong family behind me, financial support, victim support, women’s aid, rape crisis, therapy etc. It needs to be right for the circumstances at that time.
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The domestic abuse unit called me tonight. I don’t think it’s being very well handled. I have never had dealings with the police before and so this is a big enough thing for me to have come forward and talk about what he did. The woman couldn’t tell me anything apart from that it was being handled by a separate division but she was the first person to give me the name of the office in the other division who is dealing with it and she would get him to call me. Why wasn’t I told of this before a month down the line when I wanted to speak to someone about how I was feeling about this happening and him being investigated. I don’t think I will have any contact from him again and I don’t want to pursue things so why will they still investigate because at the end of the day it is his word against mine and he is leaving me alone so all it will do is drag things up and he could get worse knowing I’ve gone to the police and god knows what he will say to people about me because I’ve opened my heart and told him a lot and we work in the same industry. I am just starting to feel removed from him. Part of me wants him done for what he’s done to me but I am being realistic and I have no evidence like recordings or such. All done in private and I wasn’t fast enough to record anything and his parents will support him no matter what so what chance have I got. I feel so helpless now.
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I imagine him with someone else now not giving a s..t about me. That’s what I meant to him. He said he wanted to give up drinking for me and that he had never met anyone that he loved or found as attractive as me. All lies I think. He has broken my heart. I am a good person and I trusted him and let him in and he knows so much about me and my family. He’s not even tried to get in touch so I can just see him taking a girl to all the places he used to take me and giving her the beautiful treatment he gave to me and having the great sex we used to have. I do blame myself for the incidents of (detail removed by moderator) because nothing has been the same since. I am not perfect by any means. Things could have been back to the way they were if I hadn’t wound him up when it was a difficult weekend for him. I should have just kept my mouth shut. He has done so much for me so I must have caused him to turn like that.
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Maybe that was his plan all along recently that he wanted to push me to the edge and I would break up with him so he would then be free to go off with someone new keep his pretense with someone new and then when the police investigate I’ll just look like a jealous woman making things up because he’s found someone new. I loved him so much.
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Its goodto hear you feel removed from him…realy good. Keep that. Hang onto it, it qilll keep you a good distance for your perspective that you will need to get through this.
He is an abuser, and he is in control, not you,s what you do is irrelevant, he will do whatever he needs to maintain that control, whilst busily laying the blame on you and diminishing his responsibility in that, or denying it even happened.
Keep strong, hold onto your mind, and keep reading and practicing these facts about abuse.
Its not your fault and your word is your evidence.
There are no witnesses in rape, its about your reality, hold onto your truth.
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