Police involvement – helpful or not?

[tiredofitall]

I’ve started divorce process against my husband and about to put the house on the market. we are living together still – i’m paying all the bills as he doesn’t work so I’m not going anywhere and he isn’t leaving because legally he can be here. But some days he makes my life hell. Constant barrage of talking at me, telling me how i’m being selfish, how wronged he is, how everything that is wrong with his life is my fault. So draining. Anyway, my counsellor suggested that i talk to the police as they were concerned his behaviour would only continue as I move forward with the divorce and house sale. I put a call into the police looking for some advice to start with as even though i know what we live with is emotional abuse, i also know its not easy to differentiate between normal arguing and unhappy relationships. Anyway the call made it all suddenly feel very serious and I’m supposed to go see them tomorrow. And now I’m worried that any involvement from them could make it all a lot worse for me, could it make him even more difficult to agree to things for the divorce etc? Does anyone have any experience with the police being involved in their emotional abuse relationships and can share whether it helped or not?

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Tiredofitall,

I think I’m one of the “lucky” ones who had a really good experience with the police. I got two female officers, both very patient and understanding. They didn’t rush me and guided me through the statement and next steps. It’s taken a few months and it’s been stressful but I just heard that it’s going to court and I have a date to attend. I’m hesitant to give you too much advice as our circumstances are different- I was separated from my ex whereas I see you’re living together. It’s a tough thing to do but when I spoke to the police I felt relief. I really hope you do too and I hope they give the support you need x

[diymum@1]

the policeman who took him away came back to see me later on that night to check how i was. Ill never forget that. there are some officers who dont ‘get’ domestic abuse. they miss the fact that we are not only traumatised but also trauma bonded. they know women go back so they can be light hearted about it and just not take it seriously enough. all i can say is you can ask for a different officer and you can complain to the governing body if this does happen. its all down to education xx

[diymum@1]

i think its also important to remember emotional abuse is on par with physical abuse its just more insidious xx

[Marmalade]

I think police are pretty clued up about responding to physical assaults. Emotional abuse not so much.
I had and am having a bad experience and I know others the same. I was disbelieved because I had remained in the relationship, and the police officer could not believe anybody would stay with someone who behaved like my abuser and I got treated with contempt. I did complain but didn’t get a DA trained officer as apparently there aren’t any in my area.
Also, unless you have evidence, they may dismiss emotional abuse as “he says she says”.
I love reading about ladies who have had positive interactions with police as it means some forces are better. Should be all police though. I was v disillusioned.

[tiredofitall]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I made a call and spoke to the police informally and they were supportive but even though I know i am suffering emotional, he is so clever with the way he does things it’s obvious it’ll come down to he said / she said and hard to produce evidence. I’ve got a call logged so if things escalated I could use that. But as I’m at the start of getting out I think it might delay things if I get them involved so for now I’ve decided to just suck it up until the house is sold and I can move on. Got to stay focused on a short period of hell for the freedom that’ll be my life afterwards.

[Eggshells]

Hi Tiredofitall

I’m afraid his behaviour will continue and escalate regardless of police involvement.

Living through relentless and rapidly revolving abuse cycles is extremely damaging. The reality is that one of you needs to leave or you risk serious mental health injuries.

Have you looked into getting an occupation order to get him out of the house?

On a separate issue, it might be worth asking your solicitor to apply for a court date. This means that you are giving him a deadline to work to. If he drags his feet to make things difficult, a judge may well take a dim view of his antics. It might just force him to get on with things.

[tiredofitall]

Thanks Eggshells, its really so difficult to get the right evidence. His behaviour is emotional abuse – I know that. But is so well hidden with clever words and a passive aggressive tone that I’m just not convinced (and the police / solicitors are not convinced enough to convince me) that it worth it. I know he’ll make life harder for me in terms of continuing to not accept the reality that is his behaviour. He cannot accept any responsibility for how he acts – everything is justified by being a reaction to whatever has happened. He is a man filled with a lot of words and a child like reaction to anything that doesn’t go his way but in our long life together, the reality is that nothing happens unless I make it happen so I feel pretty confident that he will threaten and intimidate me with action he will take but its highly unlikely he will actually do anything. No-one should live like this but I’ve done it for so long, i think I’m just going to push through and deal with it until we are free. And if he does drag his feet then i will get the police and the courts involved but as long as he goes along with it (and he knows that I mean it) then I think it may make things worse. I honestly wonder how I’ll ever trust anyone again but I guess thats to be dealt with further down the line. Right now, I just need to get us all free.

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