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    • #136715

      Does anyone know if women’s aid ring the police if they have concerns ? Someone rang the police on my partner ,when he was out of ear shot they said ,we’ve had reports of a coercive and abusive relationship .I was in complete shock ,the only people I have told is 2 family members and I wrote 2 posts on here ,or it could be a neighbour ,if they have heard shouting ? I assumed this is all confidential .Now I don’t feel safe to write on here ,or confide in people .

    • #136717
      Wants To Help


      As far as I know this site is anonymous and that Women’s Aid do not have any of our personal details to make referrals to anyone.

      If family members are worried about you, or a neighbour, it is more than likely them. Anonymous referrals to the police are very common, and in some cases, quite rightly so.

      This is your chance to open up and tell them the truth. Often we are scared to make that first move to reach out for help, but when help comes to us it can be a relief. The police are currently offering you a life line, they cannot rescue you from your relationship. It’s up to you if you take that life line or not. If you want to tell them that everything is fine and someone must ‘have it in for you’ and are making a malicious complaint that is your choice.

      If your abuser was present when the police came and you couldn’t talk freely you can always call them back and ask to speak to someone by appointment when you are free to talk. There will have been a police incident created and if you were not left the incident number they can easily find it from your address.

    • #136720
      Main Moderator

      Hello Swimminginafishbowl,

      I’m sorry to hear that the police have intervened without your consent. I imagine it’s a very distressing experience for you.

      If you are referring to this forum when you mention Women’s Aid in your post, I want to reassure you that all users of this forum are anonymous and we take users anonymity and autonomy very seriously.

      I have sent you a private message with more detail on this.

      Take care,

    • #136730
      Twisted Sister

      HI Swimminginafishbowl

      I am so sorry to hear you have been put in this position. Its sounds very concerning for you. Also its good to see that ‘Womens Aid’ have given you reassurance, which means it must be someone else, either a neighbour (quite likely if they’ve heard him abusing you), or a trusted friend/family member. I’m sure they would only have done this out of fear for your safety, but no matter how good the intention to help you, its just another thing that has become out of your control, and its terrifying to tell the police on him the first time.

      Its what he deserves, but it isn’t what you deserve.

      The ball is still in your court though to act on it or not, and at least now if you do decide to move ahead with reporting him for any of his abuses, there will already be this independent report on record to support your word.

      You don’t have to do anything right now, and I hope that you don’t get any backlash type consequences from him.

      warmest wishes ts

    • #136748

      Thanks for all your replies and reassurance ,your right it was distressing ,and out of the blue and my kids were Present .whoever reported us also reported concerns for my children’s welfare .the police said the children are well looked after and there are no concerns there .I said no when they asked if I’m being abused ,I was in shock and scared .and yes again another situation taken out of my control ..I’m glad to hear it most likely isn’t womensaid ,as I want to feel safe to confide on here .I don’t feel I can talk to family now

    • #136760
      Wants To Help

      Hi swimminginafishbowl,

      I know we don’t know each other and what you are reading from me are typed words on a page that can be read with a certain tone and taken in a certain way. Please do not think that the following is said in a judgemental or critical way as that is not the tone in which I am typing.

      I have re-read your previous posts on this forum that started a few weeks ago. From the abuse you describe there is a lot of shouting, throwing of things, slamming of doors and also controlling behaviour and jealousy that has been carried out in the presence of a visitor to your house. Whoever has reported their concerns to the police are not doing this out of spite, they are doing it out of justifiable concerns. You also mention that a lot of his abuse is directed towards your step son. It is clear that abuse is happening in your household that is being witnessed/heard by others and I agree that whoever has reported this has done the right thing.

      (Detail removed by moderator)

      Some members of the forum have posted on here within the past week or so about how angry they are with their mums for ‘allowing’ the abuse to go on when they were children, yet we know that the mums were also abused and did what they thought was best for their children by staying with the abuser, trying to manage the abuse and ‘protecting’ them from it as much as they could – but it still wasn’t enough.

      This forum is a safe place, but ultimately, it is to offer support and advice to help ladies to find a way to leave their abuser so that they and their children can live free from abuse and live safely.
      We have two choices when it comes to living in an abusive relationships, we either endure it or we end it. Neither choices are easy, and often ending the relationship is harder than enduring it, but you know one of them is the right choice to make.

      I really hope that your situation is not one that we read about on the news one day where it comes to light that people reported their concerns to the police but nothing was done about it. Sometimes the ‘nothing was done about it’ is because the people who should have spoken up didn’t.

      The above may be hard hitting and it is not meant to offend you.


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