Positive healing / have you recovered from abuse?

[Anonymous]

Hello ladies!

I’m wondering if anyone here has healed / moved on from emotional, coercive, domestic abuse and recovered and how long its taken them?

It’ll be nice to hear some positive stories from other survivors!

I’m at a point in my life where I feel my ex partner stole the best years of me – I’ve got Fibromyalgia and C-PTSD. I’m late in (detail removed by Moderator) and relaying on my parents as I’m unable to work / study etc. I am working really really hard at my recovery, attending courses, self study, therapy, accupunture… although I feel like I won’t be able to live a usual life.

I’m so grateful to have my parents and appreciate having their support. I just feel very alone and a failure being in my (detail removed by Moderator) and living at home, unable to work, unable to date / have another romantic relationship, not married or not having children, it’s quite scary. I had way more independence as a teenager etc. My parents are the majority of my company and they’re great but also in their (detail removed by Moderator). I haven’t got siblings and I do have friends (majority made through recovery) but due to my physical and mental health I’m quite unwell and it’s very isolating. I don’t really know who I am anymore, I was once such an independent strong workaholic social person – now I do not know what I want from life / who I am. Even in terms of my sexuality. Everything has changed I’m very lost.

I want to be healed, I take each day by day but it’s difficult.

Has anyone in this position particularly my age got through this? Recovered from abuse and have a healthy married / children / relationship?

Thank you ladies, I hope there’s optimistic stories out there 🙂

[Wants To Help]

Hi cherry@roses,

I hear you loud and clear, but please, please do not think you are a failure because you have not achieved certain things at your age. I have read your post prior to the edits that will remove your age, but I was your age when I felt the same way and I begged my abuser to come back because I also felt a failure of not having those things – how wrong I was. I am now a middle aged woman and I can tell you with absolute confidence that you are still young and can achieve so much. I am still single and achieving now 🙂

I am fortunate that I have not had to deal with any health issues, but what I can say is that by focusing on learning about myself and learning to be happy enough living a single life has been the best thing. I used to go from one unsuitable guy to another and try and make it work because I didn’t want to be alone, but now I am happy alone, I know what I’m looking for in a man and I won’t settle for less. Set your standards too and in the meantime focus on your health and career and if a man comes along who is right for you then he will do so.

I believe our partner should complement life, not complicate it.

If you have chance today then I can recommend a great 8 minute video on YouTube by Matthew Hussey called Happy Enough. He also has many other great videos about relationship advice going forward, I’ve learned so much from watching him over the past few months and it’s refreshing to keep learning.

It’s great that you are surrounded by positive people and love. It sounds like you are doing really well, just keep taking one day at a time. What helped me embrace single life was surrounding myself with positive people and not being focused on finding the right man for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Hey @wantstohelp,

Thank you for listening to me and hearing me, and taking the time to respond.

I don’t feel as if I’m a failure, I just am not satisfied with the current situation of my life as for me many elements are on pause. I absolutely do not want my abuser to come back to me and am working really hard on my recovery. Before, I was doing incredibly well in my career, my education etc and now I have a physical disability, mental health conditions, and chronic fatigue which means I can no longer do the career I once felt so passionate about – it’s knocked by self-esteem and confidence massively.

I understand how important it is to learn to love yourself, establish your needs and values, solidify a career and financial stability before getting into a relationship – as you rightly said, a partner should compliment you not ‘complete’ you.

Thank you so much for your support, I am grateful I am young and I do have my life ahead of me – it is just very painful letting go of the life I intended and worked towards having. I am very happy that you are thriving and achieving, I’m proud of you and you should be very proud of yourself! 🙂

I will really think about my own standards, and not settling for any less when the time may arise.
I am happy alone and in my own company, that’s something I never used to be able to say. I used to go from unsuitable guy to another as well, but not anymore.

I’ve just watched the video you reccomended, it’s very interesting. I will look at more by Matthew Hussey – I found it very easy to digest. It actually reminded me of a book called Ikigai: The Japanese secret to a long and happy life BY Hector Garcia. I recommend that too. All I can do is learn, and keep learning and it is really important you’re absolutely right.

I have a lot of anxiety about the future as having children is so important to me, it’s one of the things I desire most in the world – I understand for now, I really need to focus on myself and healing and my career. Thank you for reminding me of this.

I still think it would be really lovely to hear of other survivors of domestic abuse that have managed to have families and a healthy relationship after abuse. Just so I know that it is possible, unfortunately I haven’t heard many.

Warmest wishes and sending love,

[Author]

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