Possible new relationship

[J@jmum]

Considering a new relationship. How did others feel when considering this??
It’s someone I’ve known for years, he knows a lot about my past that in a way makes it easier but also apprehensive.. like he knows my weaknesses I guess lol.
I avoided idea of relationship until now as so much going on and Ex issues and divorce. I was worried about ex response, getting extra grief and having another thing going on in my life.
But then I thought, why put my life on hold coza ex and let him still dictate. I get the grief anyway so not preventing it anyway. I can see a future in life finally rather than just the hell. It’s been over year since ex moved out.
I know this guy already and his kid and my kids know them too, we’ve hung out for years.
When’s the right time!

[Tiffany]

My advice would be to take it slow. I started dating again on a similar schedule to the one you describe. And honestly, it was tough! I am still with the guy, which is a testament to his patience, but I had been less than a year of no contact and was still really vulnerable. I think it would probably have been easier one if I had left it another 6 months to a year. But I met the right guy on the wrong timescale. I don’t regret starting dating him when I did. I just think it might have been a smoother ride if I had had longer to adjust and had had some therapy first.

Is there any pressure to make a decision about the man you like now? Can you give yourself some time to think through your feelings and decide what you really want, without being swayed either way by your ex. I can totally get you wanting to say “up yours” to the ex, and start dating. But it’s not the best reason out there to start a relationship. Just as the fact that he is an a******e is not a good reason not to date.

Ask yourself if you actually want to date, and why? Ask yourself why you are attracted to the man you like. Ask yourself if he would be a good match. And ask yourself what would happen if you asked him out and it didn’t work out.

If you do end up dating him then take it slow. Dating is likely to throw up a lot of old trauma that you haven’t dealt with yet. You definitely don’t want to be creating an instant blended family. You will, and should, be on the lookout for red flags pretty much all the time when you are first dating. Unfortunately a lot of people we are attracted to post abuse can be attractive to us because they seem comfortable and familiar. Unfortunately that can often translate as “is also abusive”. Obviously this is not the outcome we are looking for. And it is easier to get ourselves out if we don’t get in too deep at the start.

Honestly, there should be no red flags. In over a year, I have had a single small red flag incident – he was upset with himself and threw something. It was a thing that was totally reasonable to throw – it wasn’t this, but like chucking a wet tea towel at the washing machine so that it gets put in the next wash – but I felt that throwing anything because you are angry is less than ideal. I explained how it made me feel, and he has never done it since. And it happened after months and months where he did absolutely nothing to raise and worries, and he followed it by months and months with no red flags. I honestly didn’t think that was possible, after my abuser. But it is. And it’s what we should all be shooting for.

I hope this was helpful, and that whatever you do it works out well. If you do go out with him make sure you set yourself firm boundaries – which you can tell him about. Anything really – that you want to date for a bit before you stay over, that certain parts of your body are off limits for touching (like many abuse victims, strangling and suffocation were parts of my abuse and for a long time touching my neck was off limits), that you don’t want to involve the kids until you are more certain that the relationship will work, that you don’t want to discuss the details of the abuse. Whatever it is you want. If he respects your boundaries that’s a good sign. If he’s an abuser he is likely to break boundaries and that’s much easier to spot than “it feels like he might be gaslighting me”, or the other types of more subtle abuse.

Honestly, he’s probably lovely, but after the years of my life which I lost to abuse my motto is probably “better safe than sorry”.

Good luck!

[J@jmum]

Thanks I agree.
I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know him more closely, I know his ex and that helps with some confidence on what kind of partner he has been previously and could be in the future.
I see how he is around his kid and shows me how different is demeanour is to my ex.
I guess I’m considering being at a stage to say yes I’d consider seeing our relationship becoming something more rather than going in heavy with official dates etc.
I’m very weary a watching for signs and not getting into another abusive relationship. He is very open and calm and listens. I’ve never felt uneasy around him.

[Tiffany]

They all seem good signs. I guess the next step is to enjoy whatever turns up! And keep looking after yourself and putting yourself first.

[diymum@1]

i found a new relationship after about 2 years someone i knew from before too. i took it pretty slow and he moved in after about three years. hes stepped in as father to my youngest and hes lovely with her – she loves him so much. i think you ‘just know’ that theyre not abusive – i mean noone is perfect and i know his flaws. i think naturally after an abusive relationship we have triggers and are still conditioned in some respects. i remember our first arguement and i cowered thinking he might hit me. off course that was not going to happen but my trigger became a reflex. this upset him – not sure he really understands what ive been through tho. not really.

on the up side hes taught me that we can resolve any issues by letting things cool down then talking and then reaching an amicable agreement something i couldnt have done before with my ex. hes taught me to appreciate things like having a roof over our heads respect the people around us. we put boundaries up and decide together what will happen. i do get vulnerable quite abit because off what happened but i do feel safe. he makes me feel like im united with him. he stood by me through everything – child contact case and staying strong in going no contact. i think it i worth it to take that leap and find the love we wanted before but didnt get xx we deserve that if were ready xx

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