power hungry

[diymum@1]

ive let someone get under my skin – lost sleep and cant get rid off the rage i feel once again. when weve been abused weve come through it weve learned to spot the tactics we know how these people are driven and why the reality is hurtful and also a relief. its a relief because we see that thank god we dont think like this. a horrible mind set to have. i felt degraded yesterday a very strong criticism was made about my integrity (in front off 3 other people)this person went on a rant and it was purely to make them selves look good in front of the others – more powerful and more knowledgable they basically pulled rank. im left wondering what the on lookers really thought yet inevitable they will be keeping in with them now so as not to be on the receiving end. i took on board the comments although i could feel my anxiety rising – i did defend myself in a rational way then an uncomfortable silence through the whole room was apparent for most of the day. so what do i do confront what is happening directly if this happens again or look for a new job and move on? do i give in xx i sk myself why do people behave like this why do hey have to undermine people to feel good xx

[KIP.]

Can you complain to his/her boss if it was work related? If it’s personal I’d ask her if she has a problem that she speaks to you in private instead of trying to humiliate you in public as she not only embarrassed you but she embarrassed herself. Wait till youre calm but I know exactly how you feel. We don’t tolerate these people now we see their game. And why should we. Expose her behaviour and confront it and be sure to make yourself heard that you won’t tolerate that x

[diymum@1]

the thing is KIP she is the same as the manager she is the same xx its a heirachy. the one above her is a good friend so even higher up the tree xx its a real clique x im still upset today not sure i can cope with face to face confrontation with so many people. at the back off my mind i wonder if im being seen as a victim of DV thats how it feels xx abiy like how could i have been so stupid xx

[KIP.]

My father is in a care home and they were not looking after him properly so I made an appointment to speak to the manager. In front of two of her staff, when she was losing the argument, she threatened to have me removed and prevented from returning. I stood up and told her I would not stay here and be threatened by her. You see, once a member of management resorts to these tactics, she’s already lost. Management are trained, or should be, to resolve conflict and clearly she was in no position to hold that post. So I left it a few days. I wrote to the care commission and the head of the care home saying that she had abused her position of power, and she was subsequently sacked. My point is, she shouldn’t be in this position if she can’t control herself. She is a bully and once they are ‘outed’ they’re not so scary. If you’re contemplating leaving your job then what have you got to lose by raising it as high up as you can go? I found that by doing nothing my anxiety got worse. At least I got my point across and even if they did nothing, my complaint was noted x

[KIP.]

I don’t think she sees you as a victim of domestic abuse and even if she does, a bully doesn’t care how and why they can bully you, they just sniff you out as vulnerable and think they can act this way. It’s probably more you that feels vulnerable because of past abuse. There is no excuse for her abusing her position this way. As your boss your looking for encouragement and training in a A positive productive way.

[diymum@1]

yes your right – like lots off women we have this irrational fear off confrontation because either way it raises our anxiety xx in my job the goal posts are changed and there is no communication then when we get it wrong they haul u over the coals infront off every one xx deep breaths and muster up my courage. im making excuses worried about loosing my income which is irrational xx

[KIP.]

Try writing a letter to the Highest person in the company. Use some of the phrases I’ve used and add how her behaviour made you feel. You don’t need to send it but it may well empower you x

[fizzylem]

I get this DIY, I outed a bully manager once, made a formal complaint and the higher manager, who she was friends with stuck up for her – made the investiagtion corrupt and a cover up; I went on paid sick leave for long time around 6 weeks after it ended, and eventually left because of the abuse at home more than anything else – couldnt work anymore with my mem as it is.

I absolutely do not regret having called her out and going through this investigation; I feel proud of myself for doing this, standing up to her and refusing to work with her – not put up with this, it has also left me stronger and more certain this is what I need to do with all of them in life when I come across them and to support others to do the same when they need to. If anything it made me untouchable afterwards by these managers and gave me kudos and respect from colleages. If you make your complaint do it through HR and make it clear there is a bias, that these people are friends, so it is not appropriate that the higher manager be involved in any way in the investigation.

Also, does anyone else feel this way? Could you speak to them and say have you thought about going to HR? Turned out 3 of my colleagues also came forward once I did. Have to be mindful this doesnt appear like a witch hunt though – which can be done.

She was warned but kept her job, got more training, amazingly she wriggled out of it – they dont like to sack anyone in our service do they, but she scraped through only because she had support – was bogus really. The higher manager thought it was only fair to get statements from 4 employees in support of this woman – to even the scales – wth? Obs I could have argued this, took it higher, but by then I was dealing with home life.

Bet you’ve read the dignity at work act / policy haven’t you – use this to shape your complaint.

Thinking it was good these other people witnessed what happened – put their names forward, whether they support you or not, their opinions do not matter, what they saw and heard, the facts will.

Also, could you speak to a union rep?

You have the right to dignity and respect in the work place, to be free from bullying and harrassment, you even have the right to complain about an over zealous manager and for something to be done, when this happens, it is your employers duty to act to rectify this – make this their problem – by making them aware.

This has nothing to do with the past abuse you experienced, seperate the two by focusing on what has happened here with this person alone xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi Diymum, just showing you some support, the ladies above have already given great advice.

It’s horrible being exposed to this sort of bullying and so frustrating when you can see the mob mentality in the hierarchy.

Things like this play on my mind too bit think in your case it definitely needs reporting upwards or to HR, otherwise they will continue with their horrible behaviour xx

[Eve1]

I feel for you, Diymum. I had something similar recently and, a boss and her sidekick were horrible to me. It upset me so much I made loads of mistakes. The boss above her is her friend, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I’m in the midst of changing departments, I just couldn’t stay there. I think. as others have said, we recognise this behaviour as abuse and I just don’t want to be around it. I think in future I might follow some of the advice here and take it somewhere. I did enjoy the job and I think I was good at it, but in the midst of being so upset I just needed a solution. I did have an instinct when I first went there that I might not be able to tolerate some of the behaviour. It’s exhausting sometimes having to still deal with all of this after having left our abusers.
Hoping you’re finding some resolution to it.

Love
Eve

[diymum@1]

thanks ladies – im going to keep a diary – and i need to drum it in to my own head this is how they think and this is not my doing – for appearing to be weak (in their eyes no mine) this is what you get when your open about our circumstances. thats a lesson i should have kept my cards closer to my chest. this is the type of environment when someone goes to the bathroom theyre all ridiculing them then nice to their face. for me its different i get open ey rolling when i make a comment. im ignored when i comment like im not there. i have to stick to strict times in coming in going for lunch and leaving – the others get flexibility. my work is micro managed and is criticised openly in front of everyone. my choice in partner is criticised what im wearing – make up and even that i have too much perfume on . why would someone do that is a common phrase i hear. do people wear too much perfume because the stink? this kind off thing xx as i write this i feel sick at the thought of going back xx

[KIP.]

Everything you’ve written here you could put in a letter to the most senior person in the firm. It’s bullying. You should not have to put up with this in the workplace x

[KIP.]

Any kind of confrontation is difficult and nobody likes it but when you add what happened to us from our abuser when we tried to confront it, it makes this a thousand times worse. Try to look at is as positive criticism. You’re trying to make changes so that other employees don’t have to be subjected to this bullying x

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m so sorry your work environment is so full of stupid toxic people. The behaviour of your manager was totally unacceptable of course. And it has nothing to do with what you disclosed or haven’t. As with all abusers/bullies, their behaviour is their own choice.

Personally I intensely dislike micro management, I can’t stand it. In my opinion, the manager either hired you based on your capabilities and trust you or she doesn’t therefore needs to control your workload, schedule, micro managing you. This is not acceptable, noone can work in such suffocating environment. Micro management reveals a huge lack of leadership skills and terrible communication skills. She sounds like a controlling bully, a miserable manager.
If your colleagues are nasty too then I would seriously consider looking for employment elsewhere, even if it’s just a different department, with healthy individuals and manager, people powered by a wish to excel in their jobs, by being task oriented, not driven by a need to control others.

Think about what you wish to do, what’s best for you, for your life then decide if you wish to take her down officially in the process.

Meanwhile since you know the nasty silly comments in advance, my advice is to empower yourself with ready made responses.
Something rather ironic “i’m honored to hear your views about me” “ your opinion is highly interesting although very subjective isn’t it” “ I would be interested to hear on which evidence/facts you’ve based your observations”. Or an oppositional comment “I absolutely disagree with you” and back up your statement with facts.

Keep steady darling, breathe in and out and empower yourself with choices, you are free to do whatever you like and there is strength knowing that. 🙂
Sending you hugs and strength for tomorrow, we are all behind you, going with you to work, keeping you strong 💪💕

[ssid]

You have a lot of evidence diymum. Lots!

Use what you’ve written already as a start for a log of it all.

Your boss has done this, and will keep doing it until someone openly does the same to her by openly responding to show everyone that shes behaving badly and needs to take staff issues personally to staff in a respectful manner in order to seek positive change.

I don’t mean bully her back when I say does the same to her, but replies to her in that same open forum. Calls her out on what shes doing in front of everyone.

From what you’ve written it does sound like a case of constructive dismissal. If thats the right term.

You know being micromanaged and continually undermined.

If the workplace itself is toxic which you have also given evidence of then you have to save yourself as the priority and if its making it impossible for you then better to go than be continually pushed. They wont have committed or loyal staff and all will look for ways out or buy into the bullying.

You have such a strong voice and fight for right, just keep putting yourself first here. Do whats best for your well being.

You might also prepare yourself for the next incident, to have words ready, even if its only to stop her in her tracks with a ‘could I have a private word with you please’

I know it’s not always possible but its often helped me to be ready with a few things to say to be prepared for bullies. Sadly I have spent years trying (and failing) to do that with an ex. It did help me to see things clearly though and you need that to be able to hang onto the threads of whats happening as I find that really hard too.

You do amazing work as far as I can see

[fizzylem]

Interesting you think they percieve you as weak, when I percieve you as anything but this, a strong, wise, very clever, sometimes vulnerable woman with the biggest heart – ALL qualities, not weaknesses. You, like all of us feel vulnerable sometimes, this is not weakness, this is human, strong women also feel vulnerable sometimes hey. If you weren’t strong then you wouldn’t be here today! None of us would be.

You’re struggling to report, feel is it all worth it, which isnt suprising is it after the fights you’ve been through in life, its perfectly undertsandable you want to weigh it all up and consider is it worth it – are there easier options. I definately choose my battles these days and choose to let many of them go. There is no shame or failure in opting out and taking a job elsewhere if this helps and is the path of least disruption – is what you need now and next.

It does take a bit of courage to report for sure, and I know you’ve got plenty of this, maybe just doesnt feel like it sometimes, especially when you know someone is taking the mick and feel unsure how to deal with it, this maybe leaves you feeling others percieve you as weak maybe? Where the need to act leads you when you sit on things. Your inner voice is telling you so clearly ‘this is not ok for me’ – now you need this voice to be heard or responded to in some way.

Complain or leave but don’t put up! And don’t forget sick leave is always an option if it feels too much. Its good to stand up to these people for self and others but you dont have to take on the world hey. Just got to work out what’s the best way to handle it for you – see that you are in the mulling it over phase at present, before you act – v sensible but hard to be with at times; can sometimes lead us into self doubt and blame – dont do this! Remember, its ok to nothing before the answer presents itself hey.

If you do decide to complain, imagine this person at work is me or one of the women on here – what would you say or do? You’d be right there backing us up to the hills!!! Or if you decide to leave then each step you take towards making this happen will help you to feel better hey – knowing the goal is I’m outta here soon! xx

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