6th January 2016 at 10:28 am #7195TamraParticipant
Im starting the power to change program today and Im feeling nervous and upset.
Part of me knows that its a good thing to help me move forward and the other is upset as its another thing that puts us further apart.
I cant help but wonder what if I could have done more. Perhaps put things right earlier, fought harder to stop him going off with this latest woman (believe me there has been many), I know deep down even if I had succeeded I would be here again in the next few months or years.
I think I feel hopeless as a person because he was the one person I truly trusted with my life and as the years went on it got harder and harder and more draining in the things I would have to do to ‘put it right’ but if you love someone surly this is what you do. Yes I know this isnt about me and who I am its about who he is but I learnt over the years how to ‘put it right’ so I guess I gave up.
I miss so many parts of our life from renovating the houses, holidays, day to day life of just being together. As I type those words I start to think of the negatives to go with those few things and that saddens me. I was so proud of him in the things he did – he is a real handyman and can put his mind and body to anything, when he went to uni to train as a …….., when I watch him sit at his desk doing paper work (silly i know), and now its all gone because I couldn’t cope anymore.No he wasnt proud of me going to Uni he moaned and cursed me because he wasnt the center of attention anymore.He even ruined both of my graduation days.
Who am I is the question I ask myself now, yes I like me and how I have grown over the years but I feel so empty and want to run away. Running away is very much my childhood tactic and one I got rid of being with him but now I wish I had kept it because I wouldn’t be where I am today. When I listen to Melanie Tonia Evans Talk she says thats its a good thing because that way I can grow even further and heal my hidden traumas as a child. but I hurts and I feel lost.
Im not even sure what Im writing about makes sense but I just needed to let out something of how I feeling. Its been a couple of months now and I havnt heard from him, I know It would be a risk for him to contact me as after the last time this happened I have evidence of txts messages etc. that I showed to the women (a friend) at the time so he told me ‘dont think I will message you after the last time this happened’ See he must know what he does isnt right or respectful but he just needs to get in touch with that inner wound to heal it. I asked a friend who has been though this ‘do you think they do or have they just moved on happy go lucky?, and she said (not word perfect due to privacy) that men find it harder than we do, in her experience, but they hide it by going out alot or seeing other woman and that they turned to drink and drugs to help them though the pain and to the outside world they looked like they were enjoying life by going out parting. I thought about this and mine obviously has turned to women but I wonder if his drinking will become a problem again as he was a drinker even to the point where he would drink and drive. I was going to phone the police the one time when I knew he was drinking and driving but I was to scared of the repercussions of how he would be, he was so blinded by this as when I would say please dont drink and drive on a regular basis he would say Im only having 2 pints and I drive better anyway – talk about denial. He used to drive like a a mad man with me in the car if he was cross, not while drinking, this was to scare me, why do they do this???????? To get out their inner pain I guess.
I have gone off on a tangent sorry guess this is what happens once you start to off load.
thank you for listening
6th January 2016 at 9:43 pm #7207Falling SkysParticipant
I hope the course went well.
You couldn’t do any more or any thing different be is an abuser.
Now you have to put you first and become strong and find out who you are.
Don’t worry about tangents I totally get where your coming from and you are realising that he was abusing you in so many ways, its like a knock on effect. You see one thing then another.
Good luck for your future xx
8th January 2016 at 12:20 pm #7296Confused123Participant
Post as much as u need to, its good to get it out, we all here to support each another, hope course went well for u
12th January 2016 at 12:55 pm #7600LionessParticipant
Everything you had said I can completely relate to, I am still with him and trying to get out. You are not alone and well done for being so strong. Xx
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