Practical advice on leaving

[Confused-and-alone]

Does anyone have any practical advice on leaving? I plan to go soon although I don’t know exactly when. I have two young children to take with me and have somewhere safe to go but am just not sure how to go about telling him it’s over – I do feel he deserves an explanation or to be told not just me disappearing. He is emotionally and financially abusive but has never been violent so I feel I owe him an arguement/explanation about leaving.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello C and a,
Sorry to be so blunt. But ladies on here will agree:
1. Don’t think about telling him. You need to just disappear, with your kids. You don’t owe him anything.
This is important. I’m surprised if you are being supported by WA they haven’t said this. It is important because the instant they know they can do worse stuff, it is dangerous to tell them.
2. Depends how old the kids are if they are school age, choose some excuse – dentist appointment…make it and then pick them up from school early and get on that train/bus/
3. Beforehand as others have said, pack important documents and stash them somewhere safe. Friends house?

4. Do not tell anyone apart from WA. Not even your mum. People are kind, they get put under pressure and then they blurt it out – not intentionally.

It is really hard keeping this secret but you need to. Believe me.

It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but believe me also it is worth it in the end.

Good luck
ftc

[Iwon]

He has only been financially and emotionally abusive. I thought that and told him I was done. He tried for months to bully us out of our home. Within a week he had run up overdrafts on joint bank accounts which I was half liable for and had to pay in divorce.

When he realizes he has lost control he will go for the jugular while you are being decent and nice and giving him the respect you feel he deserves. You have young children. Please don’t tell him. He hasn’t been violent but he could be. Get support.

My advice. Please don’t tell him x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Confused-and-alone,

Thank you for posting and well done for making plans to leave. It is important to find out all of your options and to make a plan prioritising you and your children’s safety. Abusers are very unpredictable so it would not be advised to tell him you are leaving before you leave.

There is some information in the Survivors Handbook about making a safety plan which you might find helpful. You can find this information here.

Keep posting to us when you can, we will be here for you along the way.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Confused-and-alone]

Thank you for the advice I guess it’s the advice I would give I just struggle to accept it as I do feel he deserves an explanation- I worry how he will cope. How do you tell children what’s happening without demonising their father? They love him and don’t realise anything is wrong with the way we live – I keep arguements to a minimum especially in front of them by just doing as I’m told most of the time.

I guess I don’t want to believe he would physically hurt me although I have posted here before about him being sexually abusive. I don’t think he realises there is anything wrong with us.

I have already told my mum I want to leave although I have not told her I think he’s abusing me just that I’m unhappy. I have a key to hers and can turn up anytime day or night I just worry I’m making a big deal out of nothing – I know logically that I’m minimising his behaviour it’s just hard to believe myself that this is wrong. A normal man doesn’t scream in his wife’s face that she’s a lazy c**t because she forgot to wash his suit. But then maybe I’m just unhappy and am looking to justify my wanting to leave?? I can’t help doubting myself all the time – I struggle to make basic decisions as all the time I worry what his reaction will be if I make the wrong decision – so how can I trust myself to make a massive decision like this?! I know I’m rambling now I just feel so lost in it all.

[fridges]

Confused and alone.
My best best advice to all women – who plan to leave. NEVER, EVER say your plan to the abuser.
Leave and you can let him know with the letter, phone call or message. It is over and it is final, cut all communications and access to your life.
He will find the right words, he will change, he will not do this again, it will be better and so on. IT IS A LIE! DO NOT FALL FOR IT!
There could be love bombing, then you will be in the worse abuse than before, which will be harder to leave for you. With every attempt of leaving and then restarting, you lose your power more and more.
Plus when you want to leave him, this can be extremely dangerous, rape or violence if you will not follow him.

[anotherlife]

Hi confused-and-alone. I know you have lots of advice in here, I just wanted to put a comment on. I haven’t managed to leave yet but I agree with the other ladies.
The part you wrote about not being able to make decisions as you’re so scared about making the wrong one / getting in trouble – that’s just like me! I keep putting it down to lack of sleep and tiredness but really it’s because I’m so scared of him having a go at me for doing something wrong.
We shouldn’t be living like this! We know this and know we deserve much better. They wear us down so much that we feel constantly nervous so no wonder we can’t make a decision. They know what they’re doing all along – controlling. They’d never be spoken to the way they talk to us!
You need to get your plan sorted & try your best to leave with some strength & your dignity, both of which you can do.
We will get there x

[Lightness]

Hi Confused
Firstly I agree with the other ladies. Do not tell him your plans. You have a right to live without abuse. You are understandably confused now but it is after you leave that things will become clear and you will wonder why you felt he deserved anything.
I suggest you Google FOG – fear obligation guilt. This is how they programme us, confuse us and make us feel we owe them something. Also look up Stockholm syndrome.

Being in an abusive environment is very damaging to you and your children. Please take the steps to protect yourselves and change your futures

Lx

[Iwon]

How are You? Your post really helped me. It shoes me how I minimized his abuse. I understand looking back and learning about abuse all victims do this as it’s the way out brains protect us sndvtry to keep us safe.nthat way of thinking actually puts us in

You said I really don’t believe he would be physically abusive???? He has only been sexually abusive but I really don’t believe he knows it’s wrong.

Can you see the contradiction in those two statements?

Then you say he has only been financially and emotionally abusive? Only this type of abuse or that type of abuse….. it’s still abuse. He has already been physically abusive and you know he doesn’t see anything wrong with that…. but you don’t believe he will be physically abusive?

You tell him it’s over and give him plenty of forwarding that he has lost control.
He will be really really financially abusive and maybe physically abusive.

Will you sit there and say God I never saw that coming. He has been abusive to control and scare me in the past and keep me infer control before

All your God given instincts ate telling you you are not safe with this man. Please listen.if not for yourself then for your children. Sent with love x

[Confused-and-alone]

I understand what you’re saying iwon about the contradictions in my post. I’m so up and down one minute I’m definite that I’m going to go once school finishes for summer and the next minute I’m just as convinced that I can’t possibly do it to him. I never thought it would be this hard.

I know that he doesn’t think his behaviour is a problem as he seems to think it’s his right to speak to me how he likes and his right to get sex whenever he wants it. Our entire life as a family revolves around him and what he wants – it’s as though I’m not a real person just a supporting character in his life story, there to make him look/feel good.

[Iwon]

I have been there. I used to feel like I was thereto make him look good to the outside world. I was there to serve him and wasnt allowed normal rights….. because to him I wasn’t a real person. Just a second class servants to serve him. It is so hard and confusing. Why don’t you call womens aid x

[Crest of a wave]

Confused-and-alone,

I planned it, opportunity to do it, started to do it, then couldn’t do it
Felt so scared, guilty, fear of getting him in to trouble, all the emotions you can think of, realised that I needed some professional help and talk to someone who knows about these things.
I realised that material thing are not important and that I tried to do it in an organised way.
I still plan on leaving and I am going to get the professional help my ringing women’s aid for some advice, I need to regroup, pick myself back up and build courage, I realised that I thought I was strong enough, but I wasn’t
These things are never going to easy, but we can do it, and be free and happy again

[Poodlepower]

I tried to leave mine with his welfare one of my top concerns. Many times I true to discuss us separating but he would become violent and abusuve every time.
Finally I called the police on (Detail removed by Moderator). They came, took him to hospital then called me to pick him up (!!!!) you would think this would be a wake up call for him, but the next couple of days were terrifying, he was horrifically verbally abusive and got very physical, even biting me on the face. He said he’d kill me but I managed to escape the house, called police and they arrested him.

Don’t tell him, just leave. Abusuve men don’t seem to be able to act rationally or reasonably, even when it’s in their own best interests. They’d rather someone died than they lose control. It really is that crazy.

[Author]

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