Pregnancy and abuse

[Anonymous]

I think it’s quite common that abusers get worse when you’re pregnant. Why is that? I dont understand?!

I am not pregnant I hasten to add. No way that man is coming anywhere near me ever again.

The problem is as I pointlessly scroll instagram because I’ve not much else to do, all these pictures of fabulous, pregnant ladies show up and these fabulous, supportive partners.

And I feel so bitter. I’m insanely jealous. I want that.

Instead, with my last one, he told me I was fat and ugly; he told me I had done nothing with my life; he told me my stomach was fat; he told me I eat too much; he called me a b***h and a c**t; he did something physical to me(I cant be more precise); he laughed at me in labour; he wouldn’t take any time off when I had a possible miscarriage; he shouted at me so many times that I was scared the baby would hear it.

I spent countless hours googling the effect of maternal stress on unborn children.

I struggled to bond with my last child. It’s all fine now but it just took longer than it should have. Sometimes I stare at the little one’s smiling face and tear up, and just apologise to them for not being at my best at the beginning. I feel so guilty.

My partner tells me I need to let it go, that he can’t change the past. He might have apologised once or twice but not much.

I am leaving the cretin once I get my financials in order but in regards to this issue, I dont know if this is lingering too much. I cant let it go and I dont know if that’s normal. I hate being this hurt.

[KIP.]

Abusers love when we are vulnerable. Any decent father would be extra caring and loving and supportive at such times but abusers see vulnerability as a weakness and an opportunity to abuse. Pregnancy should be a time of joy and happiness, something abusers can’t stand to see in us so they ruin our happiness. Just like other parts in your life I’m sure. I think it probably hurts deeper because our children are involved and suffer because of it. Our instincts as a mother are to protect our children and when we feel we failed it probably hurts more than anything. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The guilt is his. If you carry it then he won’t have to. Many abusers get us pregnant as a way to trap us further too. Abuse and trauma leave little headspace for anything else so not bonding with your child as quickly is no surprise. Your head was probably full of the vile things he was saying and how to protect yourself from more emotional harm. One of my favourite quotes is CS Lewis. ‘You can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start now and change the ending’.

[Anonymous]

@KIP thank you x you are v helpful to me. I think that may become one of my favourite quotes too x

[diymum@1]

I felt the same I was left with a very small child to bring up alone xx he stooped really low and took her on his many dates ! Wow I know horrible men xx I just wanted to say this feeling does pass. Remember Instagram is very much glamourised it’s not true to life xx dv does get worse in pregnancy that’s a proven fact xx I still to this day look at my child’s past port photo from the time and I think how could he do that ? She looks like a wee cherub xx the truth is he is not a real man his loyalty lies only on the surface. He dosent feel for anyone really and that is sad xx the upside is you can have meaningful relationships in the future he will never have that xxxx 😘

[Anonymous]

@diymum@1 thank you so much for your reply. I’m so sorry that you have been through similar but you’ve given me hope for the future. Also, I may stay off bleeding Instagram, youre right it is not real very often x

[Author]

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