Pregnant to him now has anyone been in this position

[Rainbowcloud]

I’m pregnant to him now I’m so shocked I was using contraception which has obviously failed. He is so happy about it and being extra nice to me deep down I know this won’t last I know abuse can get worse during pregnancy. I have three children already my oldest two are at big school now and I have one in the primary this isn’t what I planned and I’ve avoided this for many years actually. I’m scared I don’t want to say anything horrible in case something bad happens to the baby but u know what I mean. Can I still leave can I raise four kids alone ? It’s scary I planed to leave this month now I’m tied to him forever so scary and what if it’s a girl he isn’t the ideal role model to a girl or boy actually.
Can anyone advise please scared

[KIP.]

Talk to women’s aid. Yes you can definitely raise four kids on your own without an abuser dragging you down. There’s lots of help out there. Abuse very often escalates when we are pregnant and extra vulnerable. You’re not tied to him forever. Talk to women’s aid and take all the help offered. Carry on with your plan and enjoy your pregnancy in peace and quiet without the stress that abuse brings that we all know damages everyone. Do you have family to lean on?

[lostandbroken]

Yep! Me! Currently living alone and living a nightmare, deep in depression and incredibly lost 💔

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou so much you have give me hope when I felt so helpless I keep thinking it won’t be to bad my other kids are older and basically sort themselves out and I will have my 8 year old and this one so might not be to bad but I think I’m just trying to make it sound better. I’m really scared because I’ve tied myself down further in life with my job and everything else which is what he wanted and I give him what he wanted.

[KIP.]

It’s okay to be scared. You have a lot to sort out but you have time to make plans and make arrangements for support. You’ve been with him for years so you know things will only get worse. As you say the older kids are out at school. Yes, I’m sure he’s delighted but not for the same reasons you are. He sees it as another tie to him but it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s 2020 and none of us have to be stuck with an abuser. Start building your support network around you x

[ssid]

Congratulations and commiserations for the anxiety he brings you.

Honestly id feign a miscarriage and leave as soonas you can safely get out so he doesnt believe youre pregnant. Ince your gone and he thinks theres no baby perhaps he’ll leave you alone. Fingers crosee.d

[Escapee]

Good thinking there ssid!

I’m going to say something that might not be popular…….you do have options. As hard as a decision like that is, I don’t believe anyone could judge you. If that’s offended you (or anyone else) I’m sorry but I felt it was important to say so you didn’t feel like you couldn’t talk about it on here. Xx

[ssid]

Yes there are options, if thats going to help. I didnt know whether you’d be past the chemical abortion and need a medical one or whether it’s something youd dismissed as not for you.

Its your choice.

A tablet would seem the same as miscarrying so he wouldn’t need to know. Sorry i know it’s a horrible thing to say but you need to get through this and safelt out whichever way you can for you

[Rainbowcloud]

I am considering this I don’t know how I will sort it without him knowing and having time off work. It’s an option I am willing to take last night just proves my point he started shouting in my face in a rage he knows I’m pregnant. He doesn’t care though does he the abuse won’t stop for me.

[KIP.]

Sadly the abuse will now get worse as he sees you as even more vulnerable. Perhaps an early termination is an option for you, that way you can concentrate on the children you already have who are older now and at least you will have more strength to make that break. You don’t need to tell him anything, just get yourself safe. You owe him nothing. If this is how he treats you while pregnant, it will most definitely continue when a new baby comes along. Of course it’s a personal choice that you have to make but you would have my full support for what it’s worth whatever decision you make. Just remember you owe him nothing. You can go total zero contact and never have to deal with him again. Use a third party for contact and report any harassment to the police. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid?

[KIP.]

If you are still with him you can just say you had a miscarriage but don’t expect any help or sympathy. I’d also double up on contraception if your still having sex. Don’t rely on him at all for that. Try to work towards getting away or getting him removed from the home x

[lover of no contact]

This is so hard for you. Keep posting and ring Women’s Aid. Forget about him and his antics and concentrate on getting out of this abusive relationship and doing what’s best for you and your new little baby. The baby is here now and you have older children and your other child who will adore your new baby. Things have a way of working themselves out. First things first is to break free from him and put you and your new baby first. All will be well. Keep posting.

[Rainbowcloud]

I rang my mom and said I might need to terminate the pregnancy she’s very upset with me and does not agree and said it’s wrong and cruel. She told me to sit down and tell him how I feel she just doesn’t get it

[KIP.]

No she doesn’t get it. Very few people do unless they’ve experienced this kind of abuse. Confide in only those who understand like women’s aid. She doesn’t have to live with him or suffer his abuse. It’s your decision and to suggest you sit down with him just shows how little she actually understands. That would actually put you in great danger x

[Pinkturtle]

Sadly I find no1 really gets it unless they have been in the position

They all think it’s easy, tall your parents, tell the police, or the worst if you weren’t happy you would just leave him.

[Escapee]

I completely agree with KIP. Unfortunately, if somebody hasn’t experienced an abusive relationship, or recognise one for what it is, the chances are they really won’t get it.

You are in a very emotive situation where you need non judgmental support, heaven knows we give ourselves enough of a hard time without others helping!

[fizzylem]

So sorry to read this RC, it’s a very responsible decision you are trying to make and you need support from those who understand and who won’t apply pressure. Your mum isn’t the one going to be raising this child and bringing him/her into an abusive situation, with an abusive partner and father. Termination is an option and one you need space to consider.

I totally understand this, you have raised 3 children already, this was not a planned pregnancy, in a few years time when your youngest is a bit older, you can start a new chapter in your life, likely already have in some ways, this will be especially true if you leave him and have the divorce behind you, which is all perfectly do able. Where as having another child ties you to him for another 12 years on some level, even if you leave. He knows this and has already started to abuse this, abuse you when you are vulnerable. This shows us so clearly how this will play out now and in the next 9 months and later as the child grows – will be dreadful at times for sure. Bet he’s delighted, bet he thinks she’s going no where now I can behave how I like.

It isn’t impossible to care for 4 children no, but it is alot of hard work so you would need lots of support from others – since I left, all my ex has done is attack the mother I am, as this is the only part of me he can gain any access to now – through our child – it’s hard enough to raise children as a single parent, support is essential – will he be supportive or continue to try and make life difficult for you? My child has suffered greatly because of this, so have I.

And how is this all going to impact on your 8yr old? This child is ‘almost’ old enough to decide for him or herself when he or she sees dad, in a year or two, so if dad doesn’t have this child at the centre of his world and decisions (which often they don’t), this will create difficulties for this child, but there is not long until this child’s voice can be and will be heard in a court of law.

This baby will not have a voice, only two parents fighting over what is right and best for him/her. I learnt that what is right and best for my child doesnt come into it for him at all. Will you be trying to raise this child and fight him at the same time? I imagine likely so. Really sounds like it’s a case of it being the worse timing doesn’t it.

I never imagined we’d end up in family court – when we seperated, but sadly this is how it usually goes, as this is all he has left to fight you on eventually, all he can do to try and exercise control.

I would go and speak with your GP, alone, find out what needs to happen and when if you were to go ahead with a termination and seek your support from those who understand; and ignore the rest x

[hop]

I’m sorry I didn’t reply earlier but I agree so much with what the others have said….. I just couldn’t say it in case I upset you RC 💖 you honestly need to think carefully if you want to be tied to him for 12 more years, at least. When I first read your post I knew what I’d do straight away in your position. Your mum clearly has no idea at all and I’m so sorry for that for you. Ring up the WA helpline you don’t have to go through this alone. Go the gp, most antenatal appointments they take you to weigh you by yourself to see if your in an abusive relationship. Tell them there and then the whole situation. Take care and do what you want to do. You will find in the long run that if you’re doing it for yourself then you’ll be live with it better than doing something other people have told you to do xxxxx

[Aida]

You must do what feels the right decision for you. Keep posting here so that you receive the support you need. This is your future and if you feel this way deep down it is likely to be the right decision. Nobody has the right to judge you or the decision you make. Nobody is better to placed than you. This is your life and your children’s. Stay strong and keep in touch. Big big hugs xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

I want to add my support to you too.
Choose whichever way is best for you honey.
Regardless of your decision, I would definately tell him you had a miscarriage, so he’s out of the picture going forward.
Listen to your intuition, follow your gut instinct, make your decision and sleep over it. Then go for whatever you’ve decided.
Your mother clearly doesn’t have a clue about DA, she still thinks you and your abusive partner are in a normal relationship where discussing issues like adults is an option. It isn’t. I agree that he must be pleased to have placed you in a vulnerable position under his control again. Despicable man.

Do what’s best for you honey, we support you fully either way. Hugs 💕

[Minimrs]

My abuser made me pregnant too. I was going to get a termination I had an appointment for it and everything but he told I was a baby killer and said I only wanted to do it because it wasn’t his he really worked his stuff on me and now I’m (detail removed)weeks pregnant with my 6th child I can’t leave him I feel so low and like all my hopes and dreams are non existent. I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that I’m going to have another baby I don’t feel a bond at all. I think if you feel that a termination is the right thing for you to do go for it. It’s your body and your life. I wish that I had help and support when I needed it. I hope you choose what’s right for you.

[Rainbowcloud]

I’ve had the worst weekend of him screaming in my face and being horrible to my kids never his always mine. He’s moaned I’ve left crumbs on the side to putting the iron in the wrong place. I went the supermarket today I was crying in there because of his ways and how he acts and I’m in this horrible position.
I told him I want him him to leave and he said he will but I don’t see him going just like that he’s being all calm now but that’s not the true him he’s raging inside really

[ssid]

If you decide to terminate your pregnancy thats your decision and noone elses. Its your body thats pregnant, and you that has to either go through the rest of a pregnancy, birth and responsibilities, with risks to you, or go through a termination, chemical or medical.

It will all happen to you and is your choice, certainly not your mothers. Your mother isnt the one pregnant or ultimately responsible for another child with an abusive father.

As you’ve just had another abusive incident towards you it would be the ideal timing for a ‘miscarriage’ if thats what you chose to do.

You’ll get support here either way. Take care.

[ssid]

Very sad and I hope you can see your way through this.xx

You could get help to make sure he gets out with an occupation order?

[Rainbowcloud]

I have thought of that I looked online it seems long and drawn out over two days so I will have to fake going to work etc just hope he doesn’t find out when I do it because he would kill me with his bare hands. Just hard seeing how I will get away with doing it under his nose

[Rainbowcloud]

I might go to my brothers just don’t know what to do it’s so stressful

[KIP.]

He’s going nowhere no matter what he says and his abuse is nothing to do with crumbs or an iron. These are just things he uses to abuse you over. It could be the wrong milk you bought or didn’t buy. If they can’t find an excuse they will just make something up. Always changing the goal posts. I’d go to your brothers asap and ring the police if he comes near you x

[KIP.]

He thinks he’s well and truly trapped you now with this pregnancy so watch the abuse ramp up. It usually does when they sense our vulnerability. They are such cowards x abusing a pregnant woman is about as low as you can get. But don’t underestimate him x

[Rainbowcloud]

He’s left the house he took his work clothes because I didn’t cook for his children today I’m a b***h and he can’t live like this lol he’s taken his stuff he’s taken the dog I’ve locked the doors he’s not getting back in my house today.

[KIP.]

Well done. Leave the keys inside so he can’t get back in and ring the police if he tries. This could be your opportunity to keep him out. To get an occupation order. Ring the helpline for some advice. Do you have someone who can remove his belongings?

[KIP.]

Isn’t it amazing how quickly they turn themselves into the victims.

[ssid]

Pleased to see your update thats hes left rainbowcloud.

Now would be your opportunity to let the police know whats been happening and to get an occupation order.

If his children are with you and he has parental responsibility would he have rights to be in the home and does he have joint rights to the home?

If so you wouldnt be able to keep him away without an occupation order as far as I know.

Good luck with your choices for your pregnancy. Noone can force you to continue if you want to terminate. He wouldnt be able to prove whether you miscarried or not.

Have a cosy peaceful night to yourself. Treat yourself. He will be back no doubt when he realises you are not chasing him or dying without him. Its probably a punishment rather than real decision-making to end things.

[KIP.]

He will absolutely be returning so please speak to the police. They may be able to warn him to stay away.

[fizzylem]

Agree, call police and ask for advice. Was thinking it might be good for you to be with your brother if he can help and take care of you for a while as this is what you need isnt it, some support from someone who has your back and who wants to help. Will mean you can let go for a while, give you space to think, because you feel safe and cared for at his house – if this is what would happen.

He will be back, its def a punishment, he wants you to feel he’s rejecting you and fearful, he wants you to think you cant live without him – let him carry on.

Hope you can get him out RC and if not your brother could be a good option for now x

[Rainbowcloud]

Yes I know these games as been here before he feels more powerful then me as I’m habing a child and he knows the fear I have of being a single parent again so he’s using that against me aswell.

[Rainbowcloud]

It’s terrible but sometimes I wish he died then he’s gone and I don’t have this anymore this grief and stress and the brain washing I hope the conditioning he’s done on me wears off soon

[Eve1]

Before I left my ex I was also very afraid of being a single parent. but the reality was that without his abuse life was better. Yes single parenthood is hard, but day to day life is so much easier without walking on egg shells and worse.
You may suffer at first from the after effects of the brain washing, but you will gradually decompress and begin to become your own person again.

I hope you are able to make the decision that’s best for you regarding the pregnancy. It’s good news that he’s gone.

Love
Eve

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou everyone for your support he’s blocked me on all social media which has helped me feel better as I can’t contact him because sometimes I’m weakness I do that even though I don’t want him back it’s like being addicted to a horrible drug that makes you lose your mind and sanity then on the comedown you wonder why u went through all that.
It’s a horrible Situation that I am in I wouldn’t wish this on anyone the inner turmoil j am going through. I’ve told two close friends one has said to have the abortion the other one said not to and I will regret it after and she will help me with the baby but it’s not that easy he will drag us through court he has more money then I ever will so we won’t be safe or away and his influence on my child he would mess them up for life I can see it now.
It’s just all so scary right now thinking I’m going to have to take this pill and I will bleed and be sick like I’m being punished in some way if I was happy with a stable partner I would never do this.

[ssid]

Just be sure whichever way you go its The best way for you.

You have to live with either consequence. I feel for you I so do.

[Yellowflower]

I’ve been reading all the replies and just wanted to check that you are ok. What your going through must be so hard. No one can tell you what to do but I know from my own experience my abuser stepped it up a gear when I was pregnant. Screaming in my face wears a daily occurrence as it has always been but there was a real sense of he felt I was going no where now. I had no support not emotionally not round the house just constant criticism. It was like he told himself I can’t physically hurt her now but I can still shout and scream in her face that’s fine that won’t affect the baby. But we all know the stress these men put us through. That isn’t good for a baby and had health impacts on my unborn child. When my baby was born it became hell and with a very young baby aswell it was really hard. Now years later his still there still using his flying monkeys and trying to affect my life as much as he can. Just do what you feel is right for you in regards to keeping the baby. You no one else it’s your body and your life! But like the ladies say bare in mine what these men are like and it won’t be a simple case of walking away. Big hugs hunni x

[Rainbowcloud]

I rang the clinic they can’t see me this week and someone will call me next Tuesday it seems so far away I will be further along I’m so upset I just want it booked and over with not drag it out longer 😥😥😥

[KIP.]

Can you ring back and explain you’re situation, if they know what is happening with you and your situation they may be able to fit you in somewhere or ask for a cancellation.

[Rainbowcloud]

No it’s the only one in my area that does NHS so I’m stuck with it but hopefully it’s over with soon. I don’t understand my middle son I got him from school and he asked if X partner is back I said no and he got upset and I said why are u upset I thought he would be glad as he sometimes is the target for the outbursts and the reason he’s actually left is because he was picking on my middle son. I don’t understand why he is missing him and it’s making me feel guilty now I thought the kids woild be happy but even my youngest is my oldest is glad and happy he’s gone.

[KIP.]

Try not to read too much into it. Who knows what your ex has been brainwashing him with. Money and material things? False promises and lies. I can tell you my ex was telling our son all sorts of lies while we were together. He even got him involved in hiding his affair. Just concentrate on getting him out and keeping him out and zero contact x

[Rainbowcloud]

KIP he hasn’t been in touch I feel so uneasy that he hasn’t been in touch he usually has by now with a sob story of some kind. I feel uneasy like he’s plotting something

[KIP.]

Yep, that’s exactly how I felt and exactly how he wants you to feel. He’s hoping you will contact him. Use this time to get your own plan in place. While he thinks he’s playing these mind games, you forge ahead and protect yourself. I have no doubt at all he will be in touch when you don’t contact him. Remember in his head he’s done nothing wrong and is waiting on your apology and for you to beg him to come back. When this doesn’t happen he will try a different tactic.

[Rainbowcloud]

He contacted my oldest son asking how we all were saying he misses us it’s actually so manipulating contacting my son who he gets on the least with out of all the kids.
Then because my son replied out of some misplaced loyalty he then unblocked me to bombard me with msgs begging me not to do anything to our baby and he will change and that if I showed more love and if I did this or that he would change! And he will change I give one more chance and let him baby why don’t he just go away. He knows I do not love him he knows deep down accept it I had a so a better day alone in my home without him here !

[fizzylem]

This is ’emotionl abuse’ text book, classic. He is absolutley messing with your mind and emotions right now RC, first he’s leaving you, now he’s saying he’ll change and begging you not to do anything. How hard is it for a women to make this decision?!? He’s going all out and this is fightening, he knows you are vulnerable and your head is all over the place, he sees a termination as him losing his power and control over you – this is what he’s fighting for here and nothing else; shows us how horrid and manipulative he is. Try to ‘put him aside’, as above, focus on you and what you need here. Block him yourself on SM etc, take back your power RC. You dont want this man in your life any longer than you have to hey.

I got to a point where I was glad he felt he was winning or in control, as it made life easier for me – it buys you a bit of space and time and that is all really. They always come back until you say not this time, I’ve had enough or they get a new supply lined up – or know the game is up. As soon as you take him back it will take 5 minutes until you see he will never change.

Yes I really wouldnt over think what your son said, he is a child and has been manipulated, maybe not today but for sure ever since knowing this man. Kids dont like change either, it takes them a while to adjust, but, they are also great at bouncing back and adjusting, once they know what is happening and when. This is an unsettling period for everyone right now. You yourself said you don’t understand why you feel weak sometimes, it’s like a drug that could kill you; he’s the same, has mixed feelings – only he doesnt have all the info either does he. Responding to his emotions is needed yes, with empathy and nothing else, feelings change, and so will his. He doesn’t really know what is best for him does he; but you do. He likely doesnt know there can be a better way either.

You can get trough this RC, of course it is hard to bare right now, but there is always the other side. Think what is right for you here and the rest will fall into place x

[KIP.]

Time to block him on everything and encourage your children to do the same if he’s not their father. Think about the termination and how you’re going to explain it. My major concern is he will tell your kids and use this against you so I would definitely go through with it if you’ve decided to do so but tell them it was a miscarriage until they’re old enough to understand. You need to know that there is no level he won’t stoop to and I can see him telling the kids a very different nasty story that will cause them and you pain. I had my ex tell our son the most heartbreaking stuff. Protect yourself x

[Lisa]

Hi Rainbowcloud,

How are you doing today? It sounds like a lot has gone on in the last few days. I’m glad to see that you’re getting a lot of support on here.

Sorry to hear that the clinic can’t make you an appointment until next Tuesday, it must be very frustrating when it has clearly been a tough decision to make. It may be worth asking them to give you a call for any cancellations. Are your work aware of the situation at all?

Remember you can call your local DV service if you need support from them. You can find the contact details here), and if you did want to try for an occupation order, DV assist can help you with the application.

Take care of yourself and keep us updated.

Lisa

[Rainbowcloud]

Hi work don’t know and I. Not sure what I will say as I need some time off. I will cross the bridge when it comes he’s piling in a lot of pressure at the moment which is awful

[KIP.]

Zero contact is the only way. He’s going to use your children next if he can’t get at you. He is a liar and everything he tells you is a lie to try and regain control. Abusers only want to get close enough to slap us again x

[Hetty]

Keep him out of the house. If he’s still away keep it that way. He’ll ramp up the emotional blackmail. It’s all lies. He’ll think you’ll be crawling back to him because you’re vulnerable. When that doesn’t happen he’ll use the old tactics: slagging you off, playing mr nice guy. He’ll want the upper hand. Make the decisions that are best for you and your 3 children. ❤️

[Author]

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