10th February 2016 at 6:43 pm #9468
Hi I’m new to all of this, I’m married to a possible n********t, definitely a sulky boy with issues. We have teenage kids and for as long as I can remember neither me nor the kids can do anything right. He comes home from work and instantly is walking around, huffing and making snotty comments about mess (yes my house is cluttered, no it’s not even all my stuff but apparently his stuff is important and never in the way…) usually the dishes is the main thing but if they’ve been done we get “shame you don’t bother any other day” and then looks for something else to complain about.
Every so often something will be thrown- he’s careful not to do this while any of us are in the room as I have left him before following major tantrums where things were thrown carelessly and came too close to me. Doors are slammed, he shouts and swears.
His sexual advances turn my stomach now and whenever he asks I always say no but he still tries it on, groping until I either give in for some peace or go rigid til he realises it’s a no, if he really doesn’t get the message I leave the bedroom so it’s clear.
It’s never been physically violent, only the groping could be quite rough and anytime I say ouch or whatever he says that didn’t hurt. I’ve said a few times that he doesn’t get to decide whether I’m hurt or not only I decide that, also that it’s my body not his. He recently had me in headlock for a few seconds, enough that swallowing was uncomfortable for an hour or so. I questioned what he just did, he said he didn’t realise. ??? Yeah nice try. That’s when I made the bid on the house, I’m going to get out of here.
But there are still times when I think am I doing the right thing? When the kids seem okay and he’s being alright and even helpful sometimes. I’m still going to leave if everything works out with new house, just I have so little confidence in my own decision making and even though 4 doctors and 3 counsellors have hinted or said outright that he is abusive I sometimes wonder if I’ve inadvertently exaggerated the problems because I’m just so exhausted with this marriage now 😔
10th February 2016 at 7:57 pm #9475AyannaParticipant
Follow your gut feelings. We have instincts and if we did follow them all the time many things would not happen to us.
What you say about him sounds very abusive to me. Trust in yourself. I am sure you are very capable of making the right decisions. You already got confirmation from 4 doctors and 3 counsellors, wow, what else do you need? Be careful that you get out safely xxxxx
10th February 2016 at 8:23 pm #9480
Thank you, my last counsellor said very similar, my feelings and instincts are (and have been for some years now) that I shouldn’t be with him but I’ve ignored that for so long no wonder I’ve been depressed. I tried so hard to make him happy and only recently realised that’s not my job, I can only make me happy and I’m not happy when I’m with him. I will definitely see it through this time x
10th February 2016 at 8:35 pm #9483AyannaParticipant
You have us here to support you. Start loving yourself. Everything will fall in place when you put yourself first. Make a good plan and stay safe. xxxxx
10th February 2016 at 9:27 pm #9492Confused123Participant
hI HUN , U R BETTER OF WITH OUT HIM AND SO WILL YOUR KIDS BE , THE EMOTIONAL IMAPCT HAPPENS IN SILENCE AND WE ONLY SEE AFTER, U HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT, LIVING ON EGGSHELLS IS HORRIBLE, LADIES ON HERE WILL OFFER U SO MUCH GUIDANCE AND SUPPORT
10th February 2016 at 9:40 pm #9494WanderingCloudParticipant
Of course you are questioning yourself, that is only natural. If you are like me, you have giving it every chance, you still think that there is maybe a chance that things will be okay particularly as you have invested so much of yourself in your marriage but relationships should not just be one sided. They should be a happy and equal partnership free from control and abuse. Trust your instincts. I too feel sick when he comes onto me for sex. I am his and his to do what he likes, he can grope me when he likes, stick his hands down my knickers and I have to comply and enjoy it but the truth is I feel sick and disgusted with myself. The only saving grace I have is that I will be free one day , I just have to build my own self confidence up and believe my own self worth. I am getting there, I see a councillor regular and this has helped no end. There is no judging as to why I have put up with it so long, she understands that abuse and control doesn’t just happen overnight. We are like frogs on a frying pan, with the heat just turned up ever so slightly so that we don’t notice an immediate change and so on and so on. Be kind to yourself and let us all know how you are getting on. xx
11th February 2016 at 4:16 pm #9542LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for your post. It is great to see that you have already had some great advice and support. I just wanted to say that it is very normal to be doubting yourself and your decision making. After years of abuse and put downs that is very natural. Please stay safe and phone the Women’s Aid Helpline for some safety planning, advice and support. This can be a very dangerous time for women who are leaving so please stay safe and be careful that he doesn’t become aware of your plans.
We are all here for you so please keep posting.
19th February 2016 at 6:03 pm #9955
Just need a little rant *makes frustrated sounds* I also work full time. I have been ill this week. I’m an actual person in my own right with feelings and s**t 😛 But I’m still expected to be the little wifey. Just received this message:
“Can you pick me up at 8? and do we have any moisturizer cos my hands have proper dry up just like our sex life 😉”
speaking of which he is trying to palm the kids off on relatives next week so he can take me out (I don’t drink) and will expect sex afterwards because no kids around, god forbid I say no(!) I really don’t want to go through with it though ☹️
By the way he knows full well that we have moisturiser so there was no need to even write that… 😡
25th February 2016 at 9:36 pm #10470mixed-up mumParticipant
Oh Red1 so much of what you are going through I went through too…..
Well I remember the dread as I knew he would be home from work soon, to this day I can’t watch an episode of The Chase – it was always on when he walked in the door and as soon as he walked in I knew what the mood of the evening was going to be……..
Always criticising for anything I hadn’t done, never bothering to notice what I HAD DONE!!!!
Mine would have tantrums and throw things about, breaking stuff too.
Another thing he would do was when the kids were small he’d upset the them – he’d make them cry – he was always very careful to do it out of my earshot – so I had no idea what he’s said or done – but they would come to me crying and I knew he’d upset them – he’d just come home and start shouting at everyone.
And yes he’d grope and molest me for hours on end until I could take no more – give in and let him do what he wanted – after years of that – I could not stand to have him near me or touch me – and it got so bad that I couldn’t look at him, or speak to him.
They have no sense of our feelings – either that or they just don’t care – it never mattered if I was ill, upset or low – if he wanted sex he not stop ’til he got it…..
He’s often suggest a bottle of wine at the weekends – in the hope it would ‘get me in the mood’ – it never did – I couldn’t stand to be near him…..
It’s so good to be free – to be free from his moods and tantrums – free from treading on eggshells – free from his unwanted sexual advances – free to do what we want when we want…..and that feeling of being safe at nights to sleep in my bed – safe in my own house with my own things……freedom…….
Take care – all the best,
9th March 2016 at 10:12 pm #11172
I’m so annoyed at myself. I haven’t gone back on my plans but I can’t bring myself to tell him im going. For reasons I probably can’t say (identifying) I really should have told him already tonight but I’ve bottled it several times when there’s been chance to say something, I just can’t get the words out.
I am just too ‘nice’ for my own good, I physically struggle to say something that I know will be hurtful to someone else. Even when that someone has said horrible things to me and my kids, has hurt me and my dog ‘accidentally’ and has crossed personal boundaries without a thought for my wellbeing. I don’t want to do it this late as he won’t sleep and will ring in sick at work. Tomorrow will be awkward but if it goes to next week I’ll have the housing officer on my back (I really dislike that guy). Why can’t I just get it over with? 😡😡😡 x
10th March 2016 at 5:26 pm #11194LisaMain Moderator
I think it’s completely understandable that you are finding it hard to take the final step, as it’s a huge one. You may also be anxious about his reaction. In general we advise not to tell an abuser that you are leaving face to face as it may increase your risk. We advise leaving at a time when he is not there, so that it is as safe as possible.
It sounds as though you are taking some responsibility for him by caring about his wellbeing, this is natural when you have been in a relationship with someone, but remind yourself that this is not your fault, you are leaving because of his abusive behaviour. Only he is responsible for that and only he is responsible for his life after you have left.
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