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Hi there, firstly it’s wonderful that you’ve made the brave decision to leave. I know from experience that it isn’t easy. I’m glad he hasn’t been violent towards you, but I think technically breaking things is considered to be violence and is often a precursor to violence. It’s intended to intimidate you so is a big warning sign.
The most important thing is to not tell him until you’ve left and are safely away from him. There is no safe way to tell him before you leave. He will most likely try to manipulate or threaten you into staying. You don’t leave an abusive relationship, you escape, much like someone who has been kidnapped. Abuser’s care about control over you and leaving is the biggest loss of control for them, so leaving is the most dangerous time for you. Non-violent abusers can become violent when you leave. In fact, the biggest predictor of whether an abuser will kill their partner is the level of control rather than history of violence. It is also safest to have no contact after you leave as lots of abusers continue or even escalate the abuse after you’ve left.
It would be worth looking through some of the posts on the getting out forum to see the various other things to consider when leaving. Sending love xxxx
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The safe way is once you’re out and somewhere that he can’t find you with the things you need most with you and all your passwords online securely changed. There is no way of breaking the news that will make it what he wants to hear, and you don’t owe it to him to break the news in person when he is abusive and likely to be volatile. It’s not compatible to leaving a ‘normal’ relationship.
Its also worth mentally preparing yourself for what he may well do once you’ve gone. My final attempt was made more sustainable by having this knowledge. Hoovering; promises to change ; rage; accusations; threats to self harm; claims of sudden illness (either as an excuse for behaviour or to tug at your compassionate side); cryptic messages; online or real life stalking; bombarding with messages or calls or disappearing for a time; using friends or family to get messages to you ; saying they’ll never ever leave you alone and will kill any future partners; damage to property that they can access; alternating rapidly between hoovering and aggression; attempts to compromise your accounts and cause problems for you; attacks on reputation. All this stuff is crazy making. No contact is the way to go to retain sanity.
Sorry if all that sounds garbled and scary. I just found that knowing those things were possible helped me prepare myself practically and emotionally for when they happened. And all of them did. Not at once but with unrelentingly regularity.
I’ll try and find the article I read that helped me and pm the link to you.
GR
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Vaavaavoom firstly I’m so glad your getting out as the ladies above have said and in my personal experience just pretend everything’s ok keep a mental check for everything you need then when he’s gone just go telling him might be the full blow up that’s not happened yet , please keep us posted to how your getting on ❤️🧡❤️
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A psychologist told me when I was planning to leave that emotional abuse is always highly prevalent when men kill partners. It’s very high risk. I had decades of it, the financial control, and sexual control through withholding sex from me. It’s not illegal but very abusive, this last one.
The single most effective thing that I did was to build a network or support group of professionals. I made a statement to the police so the abuse was on record and that made me feel some level of protection even though he could t be charged. The police gave me a number to call in an emergency and some sound practical advice. They believed me. I told the Gap and she put me on anti depressants to help with the trauma and allow my brain to slow down and have clarity. That was essential and I am now off them but found them great. I told a psychologist who confirmed to me that O am not mentally ill or unstable, but strong a d brave. She gave me a lot of insights into his control over me. I had a b****y brilliant young solicitor who gave a letter of support when I had to flee at the start of the lock down to another country. All these people helped so much and genuinely were appalled and wanted me to be safe. I couldn’t have done it otherwise. So that’s my advice sorry! After all the rambling, get your ducks in a row, be your own best friend, line up professionals to help and don’t tell the b@@@@@d. Just go when it’s all in place. I cannot stress enough how helpful it is to make a statement to the police. It gives you power and control even if he cannot be arrested.
I hope this helps! -
Vaavaavoom, I’m also pleased to hear you are getting out and the advice above is so hopeful. The last time I almost went, I said at the time and then I got the physical threats, threats to loved ones and finally the crocodile tears! I am still here and really wished I’d gone. If you have anything that really means a lot to you are you able to get them out? I have stuff stashed all over, but it does mean that now when I’m ready I have very little that I need to grab. But definitely most important is your safety, big hugs and you are a strong lady! x
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Thank you all so much for your help. I don’t currently live in the UK and the biggest obstacle I have is the country I live in makes leaving the family home (under nearly any circumstances) as a case of marital abandonment and would have me liable for breaking our marital contract – aka, I would be financially penalised during the divorce. I’m terrified that I’ll say I want a divorce and then be compelled to carry on living together. I’m increasingly worried he would try to take our daughter. I am starting to hide documents and clothes at a friends house.
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Oh goodness, I had no idea that our advice would be pretty much impossible in some countries. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in such a difficult situation. But I suppose I’m actually not surprised that there are countries with laws like that. I think the UK legal system is backwards in a lot of ways but compared to some others it’s very advanced.
What scale of financial penalties would you be likely to face? I would consider accepting the financial penalties for the sake of your safety and your daughter’s. I know that might not be possible and it’s incredibly unfair but sadly pretty much everything about abuse is unfair. You may find that if you tell him he love bombs you to try to get you to change your mind, which although not putting you at risk of physical harm, could make it very difficult to follow through with leaving. But there’s a very big chance that the abuse escalates and realistically you and your daughter are at a very real risk of significant harm if you tell him you’re leaving while living with him.
I don’t suppose there are any advice services for women living in countries with this type of law? Maybe charities like Amnesty International can help? Sorry, I’m really out of my depth here. Perhaps you could write a post on here asking for advice on leaving from a country that doesn’t protect victims of domestic abuse? Sending lots of love xxxx
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VaaVaaVoom you need advice about your country of residence. All the advice on here is really aimed at women who can be supported by the state they live in.
I am deeply alarmed that your situation may be very different. I know in some patriarchal countries women are not supported and do not have the right to keep their children on separation. I do not know how difficult things are in your country, but I think you need to be aware of all the consequences and what help, if any, is avails le to you.
Are you a British citizen? If so could you talk to someone from the embassy.
Is it possible for you to safely research any support networks in your country?
I think you need specialist advice. -
Hi there VaaVaaVoom, thanks for coming back and sharing a little more with us. If you don’t already have any support in place, you might like to look at the following link to get some support in place where you are based: http://www.hotpeachpages.net/ .
Best wishes
Lisa
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