Viewing 2 reply threads
  • Author
    • #136354

      I still don’t know if it’s emotional abuse. I have spoken to a psychiatrist and psychologist who all say it is. And the psychiatrist has said he won’t be able to get me stable from depression unless I leave this relationship. And the only other option is for him to drug me so much I am a zombie so it doesn’t affect me. 🙁

      So I am reviewing my exit plan for if/when I need/get the courage to leave my marriage.

      What do I need to do and plan. We have no children(many miscarriages/ectopic). But we have pets and a house, cars. I took a couple of years off work to concentrate and limit stress to get pregnant but also to spend time caring for my mum. Since then my mental health plummeted(a lot to do with how I was treated by him). In this time his wage has increased by an extra (detail removed by Moderator) (tripled) a year whilst my career was on hold. He pays the mortgage and most bills. We have been married (detail removed by Moderator) years.
      He put the deposit into the mortgage but my money went on stamp duty and other incidentals.
      I have no family to turn to now my mum has died(at the same time as I had my last miscarriage) I have been working for (detail removed by Moderator) months but have been signed off sick for depression(with manic traits- bipolar which is new). I earned similar to him when we first met (detail removed by Moderator) years ago but now earn a lot less than him.

      Anyway, I love him dearly and am struggling to let go but I will lose my job and maybe my life if I stay. At one point a few years ago I was driven to a suicide attempt, where he decided to have arguments with me whilst I was in resus. So I know amongst other things said I may be in more danger.

      He isn’t always like that and when I bring it up he claims that he never said anything and that I am nuts. Makes me doubt everything.

    • #136364

      Hello, I’m so glad you found this forum and so sorry for all your losses.
      It is hard to get your head round, try to read up as much as you can, reach out to WA or your local Domestic Abuse charity.
      Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft is mentioned a lot here and I’ll be honest I’ve been here a couple of years and only just got round to reading it but it is very well written. Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube are fab.
      My husband is an expert on making me doubt myself, it’s taking a lot of trust in myself to build that back up.
      We’re all here if you need us too xx

    • #136370

      The tipping point for me leaing was when my mental health was plummeting again and I could see that if I stayed with him, the best I could hope for was to pick myself up enough to survive until the next time he knocked me back down. Sadly, it’s in an abuser’s interests for your mental health to be poor, becaue they have more control over you.

      I would definitely recommend the book Kitkat44 mentioned. I would also say that victims of abuse almost always minimse abuse in order to survive living with it. So if a psychiatrist and psychologist say it is abuse, I would not doubt them. I know it’s really hard to accept that someone you love is abusive, but you may find it a little easier if you read about abuse and how it works.

      He is gaslighting you by denying what he’s done. It’s a classic tactic of an abuser, to leave you confused and doubting yourself.

      At some point we have all seen our partner as having a good and a bad side. I still sometimes find it hard to believe that what I thought was love wasn’t. But the reality is that the ‘good’ side only exists against the backdrop of the ‘bad’ side. The ‘bad’ side creates fear and confusion and makes you want to keep him happy to avoid him getting angry again. The ‘good’ side is only there when he feels he doesn’t need to reinforce his control. It’s not freely given love. It’s conditional on him staying in control.

      I would also look up trauma bonding. It explains why we feel so intensely in love with our abuser.

      It is hard to feel able to leave and it may take some time. But you will do it when it’s right for you. It’s ok if you don’t feel ready yet, we’ve all felt like we would never leave. Sending love xxxx

Viewing 2 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2024 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content