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I seem to be ‘grieving’ about the long, traumatic process of getting away from my ex and all the ordeals of family court, police interviews, social services input etc, etc. I feel so much sadness for everything myself and the children experienced in order to be safe and free. Most of my triggers seem to be around this now more than the relationship which I think to a large extent I’ve managed to process into less traumatic memories. I don’t feel terrible but just wanted to reflect on how sad it is that so much of the so-called support system, in theory there to safeguard, causes such trauma in itself. I honestly don’t know how I got through it. Obviously I don’t regret leaving him for a moment, but wouldn’t it be nice if brave, traumatised women and children could escape to real safety and not have to leap out of the frying pan and through the fire.
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Hi Peaceful Pig,
I just wanted to say that I hear you. I am very aware that the aftermath of an abusive relationship, including interactions with professional agencies, can cause further trauma for survivors. Women’s Aid are working hard to try to improve the recovery process for women, and to try to make it easier for survivors to access needs-led specialist support. Many services now recognise the importance of working with a ‘trauma-informed’ approach. I appreciate there is still a lot of work to be done.
You, and so many survivors show incredible strength and resilience by making it through.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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Hello. I just googled ‘trauma informed approach’ and I read that forcing a person to confront their traumatic experience is not part of a trauma informed approach. If this is the case then mediation, being sat in a room in close proximity to one’s abuser, a person who may have been inflicting this form of abuse for many years, and on many different levels, cannot be a ‘trauma informed approach’. Making women have a ‘discussion’ with that person is not trauma informed. I read something (detail removed by moderator) that said that “it can be empowering for people who have experienced domestic abuse/violence to feel their views are given the space they deserve in mediation and have them taken into account in future arrangements”. I think this last statement is naive. It don’t think it understands what domestic abuse is. Its not something perpetrated in a public setting, it happens when everyone is looking the other way. Its not trauma informed, either. Also, why refer to ‘people’ who have experienced domestic abuse. They just can’t bring themselves to say ‘women’, and women as mothers, but they don’t mind putting in bold type in their leaflet that they think mediation helps with issues of child contact. Its like there’s still a denial of what is actually going on for women. Maybe its just me being cynical and negative, because I am that. I think these men are laughing at them, no wonder nothing gets resolved. I read the (detail removed by moderator) state that they ‘set boundaries’… which suggests that all that’s needed is a bit of assertive communication. How about this “mediators create a safe environment, with your help, for you to talk about these things together and find a way forward that is in everyones best interest”. So, am I to think that after years of abuse (which includes recourse to violence, so it doesn’t actually require stating separately), all it needed was an assertive conversation to find a way forward in my interest? I was a professionally trained woman in a very responsible role, I already understood something about being assertive, setting boundaries and being empowered and empowering others. This tells me that this organisation does not understand what has happened to me.
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Hi older lady,
You make very valid points, and this is why, in general, Women’s Aid advise against mediation when there has been domestic abuse or their is an imbalance of power within a relationship. However, it is necessary to provide evidence of the abuse in order to avoid mediation, which as we know is not always possible. So I appreciate that many women do have to go through the process.
The Rights of Women’s Guide to Mediation goes into this in more detail if you are interested.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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Hi Lisa, thank you for your kind words and thank you women’s aid for being there campaigning for us all. I wouldn’t be here now without you.
Older lady, exactly right especially about the ‘assertive conversation’ and ‘not understanding what has happened to us. Agencies, particularly (detail removed by moderator) in my experience, seem to hold a view of both perpetrators and victims where both are seen as feckless people who don’t know any better rather than one deliberately choosing to inflict harm and one traumatised, and all that is needed is someone who does know better to explain to them the error of their ways and it’s job done, boxes ticked. It’s patronising, lazy and frankly dangerous. -
I can identify with the above posts.
To be forced to confront your abuser when he is high on trying to destroy you, hellbent on fooling everyone and using every opportunity to inject fear into you when you are in the throes of PTSD is not protective of abuse victims.
These abusers see the courts and mediation and liaisons with agencies as a stage, and a chance for them to give the best acting performance of their lives.
What I wanted was to not be forced to go to mediation with him. Apart from the fact that he approached me in the car park there whilst on a non-mol, his continued lies and character assassination of me and attempt to fool the mediator was just another chance for him to twist the knife that was already stuck into me. He knew what he was saying wasn’t under oath and that he was in with a chance of fooling the mediator- which he did.
I only wanted to deal with him in court, in front of a judge. Luckily, I was protected from him most of the time, given a side room to wait apart from him; but on one occassion, when we were there to meet (detail removed by moderator), I was left in an big empty waiting room with no one but him around. It was the court staff’s lunch break and everyone disappeared. It was all I could do to try to remain composed and try to convince myself that I was ok. He could quite easily have done something. I felt very vulnerable.
The whole process- from (detail removed by moderator) who treated me like the one at fault, to the pathetic instruction to try mediation with someone who I think meant to top me the month before- it was ludicrous. PP, I too am recivering mostly from the process forced upon me after he left, more than anything.
My local DV outreach services were the best support, arranging safety alarms, organising counselling, a support group and Freedom course alongside the court process, and even accompanying me to court on a couple of occasions. And now this service has been cut. I worry for the other women who don’t have this extra support now, and who are being forced to go through the harsh and inhumane process without it.
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I think survivors need about 3-5 years of no contact and recovery before we could even consider feeling able to face those things. It’s so hard at the time. On a more positive note, I have experienced helpful agencies whose approach made such a difference. I’ve given feedback to them to help them prove the value of their work which might go someway towards keeping agencies commissioned/funded or able to keep making sensitive responses. Our voices have some power now we are out the other side xx
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Powerful posts Ladies and again thanks to WA for championing us and reaching out to future Survivors.
Generally there is no structured support for Survivors. It’s an ugly scene we find ourselves entrapped by our abuser, by the social system and the stigma.
I would say to echo some of the points, we do need a solid network.
A real and practical directory which is cross country…to aid recovery and more importantly support women with their journey, from escape and beyond..& their children.We are searching, mainly in silence in the dark, anonymously, for answers to questions which are simply, too much too handle especially in a PSD context.
The whole aftermath is far too complex, to deal with alone and in silence, carrying the burden of the perpetrator, family, the system, the whole experience is deeply traumatic and new…it does not come with a manual!
I would have left years earlier if I had known where’re I could go for actual help, the only place I knew of was my GP, that was a closed door, there has to be higher profiles for any help available, and after that regional back up of services to support survivors through the process. It’s not enough to hand hold, we need listed lawyers,refuges, mental health/counselling support etc…I suppose it’s back up to show us that we mean something and the world cares.
Cx
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