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Well, here I am at late o clock again.
Done my usual trick, fell asleep early now wide awake.
Guts a rolling, big thing coming up this week. Makes me feel sick with worry. The nerves are high.
Some people are just so adept at putting a case across and no matter what I just always feel I am on a backfoot.
I know I am not perfect but I know I am better than a p*******h. It is so hard for people to see though.
He should be in prison. Not where he is now.
We’ve made quite a lot of progress I think but this stuff just brings everything back, nearly had a flashback to when I left earlier. Managed to stop myself. I can’t revisit that person I was when I left, it is too frightening, to distressing to see how close I was to the brink. The depths I had been brought to. The beaten down animal that I was.It is hard to bring myself round to deal with this, ultimately the only way I can deal with it is to know that whatever happens I have tried. I just do not know, if the worst happens, how I will carry on. I know that I could, I have seen and heard people that have and that does help in some way but the people I have seen- they are missing something, I mean not just literally. Something is lost from their soul as it obviously would be.
People keep telling me it can never happen but I’m not so convinced by that. I know that it does and I can’t help thinking I could be one of those women. This was my fear all along really. This was what made me stay so long in part, the fear of this and him. He is so good, so convincing, so believable. The systems are so broken they enable him. Some of those with responsibility do not understand fully, some do not want to. Misogyny is alive and well and you feel it.
Well, here I am- keeping it real women. The fight is real for sure as many of you will know well. Don’t let me put you off, those of you thinking of asking for help, thinking of making the leap. Don’t delay. Do it.
Do you know why they make you feel so ashamed, so isolated that you don’t speak to anyone about it and it becomes a dirty secret? So you won’t have the evidence to NAIL them. Believe me though, whilst you continue to play the obedient ‘mentally deranged’ other half perfectly for them, be sure they are building a wealth of ammunition to fire at you should you ever have the audacity to leave. B******T
So come on, you think you’re going to tell that GP and a massive sirens going to go off and the whole world will be told? B******T NOPE. You’ll be offered a tissue and empathy and patient on-going support to help you navigate your way through. Think the sky is going to fall in if you (safely) make that call/email to Women’s Aid? B******T NOPE. You will get reassurance, understanding and patient support. You will not be judged and you will be listened to and in the meantime, you have us in forum- with you every step. Willing you on.
If you think of it, they’re just huge bags of s***e really aren’t they? F*****g full of it. That’s what I’m going to think of him as this week, a big bag of s***e.
(Apologies for my language, I am not yet in recovery for it- these b******s just bring it out of me)
Soulsearcher.
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Probably best to vent here than the other forum I shall have the joy and pleasure of frequenting! Thanks for bearing with me x
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I’m terrible for swearing over it. Apologies if I cause offence anyone.
You know, I am just reflecting on that post whilst being up at this late hour again.
I just want to say how incredible the women are that I have met and heard from who are living my worst fear as I put it- I’ve complete admiration for their inspirational words, their contributions to discussions.
They give me hope whatever the case may be and strength to go on with the fight.
I think my words were insensitive there to say that ‘they’ appear to have ‘lost’ something from their soul. Please forgive me, just trying to express the sadness of it all- especially after everything they have had to endure.
These women need to be heard more, they really do. This side of it all needs exposing, it is disgusting what happens and how they are treated.
I’m in solidarity with those trying to get out and with those who’ve made it out but my biggest hug and shoulder to shoulder stance is for those who have been utterly failed and had the worst possible thing imaginable done to them- worse than any abuse from a perpetrator. I see things very differently nowadays, very differently indeed and these women have an ally in me, most definitely.Soulsearcher
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I grew up around alot alot of people stuffing everything, saying one thing, meaning another, telling you to do one thing and doing another themselves, not wanting to rock boats either – rather hide evil deeds and protect the evil doers, and you just got to love the platitudes…..things could be worse, just pray for them, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, live and let live, that’s how it goes sometimes, you’re just being tested (my personal favorite) just sleep on it, think happy thoughts, etc., etc.
I think we curse to rage against the machine of hypocrisy, laziness, cowardice, denial and passive aggressive b.s. actually. I have to vomit it up somewhere, sometime, unless I just vomit on que as a response in someone’s face. I dunno… I have to laugh, too, because I look at people sometimes who are sooo offended and I see how constipated they are in their own lives, sucking it in all the time, putting on a kind of screwing looking happy face when inside they are blowing a total fuse and I think – oh goodness, how wonderful you would feel if I could just drive you out into the country and you could cuss your little brains out!! We could have a full on Tourette party! I personally think it’s good for the soul but I’m half crazy so it either keeps me from going full on crazy OR it’s contributed to my insanity! Only an autopsy at a later date of my brain would tell the real story. @#$*%#@ ok, ok, going back to being ladylike here…
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Absolutely Hadit, it is big- huge waves, then calmer waters- a chance to catch your breath and prepare for the next wave.
Just make sure that you are accessing some support for the trauma, GP etc- you may not feel ready for counselling but do consider putting your name down if you haven’t because there are often wait lists and by the time it comes up, you may feel more ready.
Sending my best wishes to you during this time.
Soulsearcher
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