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Hi everyone
I am interested in your views on this as it is something that I wasn’t really aware of until now.
I have come to realise that my husband seems to enjoy punishing myself and my younger daughter when we have done something he considers wrong! An example of this is I left something on and he removed it so I could not use it again. There are always threats like if you do this , I will do this… It’s always over minor issues like leaving lights on, not closing the door properly, not putting things away properly and he will tell me he will (detail removed by moderator). With my daughter she may say something slightly rude to him and he will say something like you won’t now have your phone for a week!
I know these may seem like minor issues but each one becomes a big issue and he gives out a consequence. Has anyone else experienced this?
Many thanks as always for your thoughts/advice
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My ex would threaten to cut the wires off the internet if I did something he didn’t like or went against him , to me they do this as a punishment yes you are right , a comeback for disobeying them in some way , it’s control again so you fear any consequences, makes them feel power over you , so you basically do all their bidding otherwise you fear the comebacks.
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It’s coercive and controlling behaviour, he’s training you to do his bidding. Sometimes he will follow through and other times he won’t, that’s anxiety inducing. Have you tried talking to him. That’s when you will see his real character. Most people would recognise that behaviour is unacceptable, apologise and change it. An abuser will turn the tables and blame you, never accepting accountability.
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Yep, if we didn’t jump out of bed and get ready quick enough he’d cancel whatever we were doing, if he didn’t agree with what I’d cooked he’d either change it and make it (detail removed by moderator) for me & kids but still expect us to eat it or he would sulk and not eat, he’d try to control my child’s devices whilst his kid could do what he liked, he removed all (detail removed by moderator) wires and destroyed the internet hub, if his clothes weren’t how he wanted them he’d throw everything around the bedroom and expect me to clean it up, his favourite was if I didn’t act the way he wanted he’d withhold his bill money.
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Thank you all for your replies. I think I have lost sight of what is normal. When he tells me over and over again that I am a useless parent for not “punishing” our child, I do start to question myself. I need to keep on reminding myself that he is in the wrong and not me. I watched today that short clip on the freedom programme about what is a good partner. Does anyone know of anything else like this to help remind me what is normal?
Take care everyone x -
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From other posts I’ve read on this discussion it seems they say all the same kind of stuff , the examples of control used and the punishment for not doing what I was meant to do are near enough what every person has described. Why is that ? I was timed in going to bed , getting ready for bed , getting ready in the morning, told when to bathe , when not to , what shops I’m allowed and how many , the list is endless and of course the punishment for not following orders . Is there any reason they pick these particular aspects ?
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Mine used to make me a coffee and bring it up every morning (apart from when he was stonewalling me haha). I used to think this was sweet. But it was a way of ensuring I got up on his demand and made his cooked breakfast for him. He’d then tell anyone and everyone how well he treated me because he made me coffee. Regardless of how he’d behaved the rest of the day. Even after harassment and stalking convictions and restraining order being put in place he was still going on about the sodding coffee to anyone who’d listen. Gah!!!
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Oh don’t sorry that has made me laugh about the coffee , my one still goes on about how he emptied the dishwasher and put the washing machine on , wrapped up my sons Xmas presents that he never paid for & put a Xmas tree up , these apparently I was meant to be charged for as not boyfriend duties ? REALLY lol
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My ex would bring me tea or breakfast in bed so he could have sex.
He thought he was a superhero if he’d hoovered.
And to help me out he’d cook his own tea. Basically a messy fry up. And I’d still have to cook mine.
If he was in a mood because of something we’d done he’d drive like a l*****c.
Once when ny son was late getting out of (detail removed by Moderator) for a lift he grabbed the drink my son had bought and threw it out of car window
It’s only recently I have started to realise how much he did to them too -
Hello,
My husband also does this and then complains that he’s always made to be the “bad” parent. I now just email my children’s Head Teacher and 1 of their class teachers if we’ve had a hard morning to get them to check in with the children. They know what’s going on so i don’t even have to explain – just “can you do a check in today?”The coffee – omg yes! Always with a coffee and reading this makes me realise it is when he decides I need to get up. Saying thank you for literally everything as well – ok it’s fine to say thanks but I don’t need to him verbalise his appreciation for everything!
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