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    • #50489

      I am subjected to put downs which he doesn’t even hide from our children. X day ago it was a piece of paper with some punctuation signs used to question my recent “action”, an every day little thing needed to be done, and another punctuation sign to state his mockery of me.

      It triggered me again, and my reaction is to shake immediately, my heart pumps fast, my fighting spirit gets fired up and I shut it down immediately too in order to avoid arguing. It feels like receiving a slap and telling yourself not to feel the pain of the hand on your face, nor the emotions it triggers. It’s soul destroying.

      I feel him sniggering, even though I don’t actually see him, I feel his ego boosted, his desdain and sense of entitlement, his sense of power as he controls my emotions, my reactions, my actions.

      I never actually thought I was controlled till I realized recently how often I act in ways to anticipate his criticisms or judgements, I go about thinking I must do this or avoid leaving x laying around, I say in my head what will he say if he sees a mess or this and that is not done etc etc etc.

      I don’t feel as bad as some of the ladies on the forum but nevertheless I know I am acting to avoid things happening. Still! Often he writes notes commenting on what he sees or finds. I even had a printed message printed on his pc, centered and in bold, telling me to thank him for x, the message having been left on an item for me to find.

      On another really hurtful occasion, he gave me back a dear object of mine, can’t say what, which I had found broken months ago, I had often wondered how it had ended up that way and it’s a sentimental object. Years later he had done something to kind of replace it and gave it back to me wrapped in a printed message, indicating how he had wrongly damaged it on purpose but wasn’t it great as he wrote that he had spent time doing x to replace the object, repairing it so to speak…

      I was shocked, overwhelmed by the horror I felt. I had subdued the pain I endured looking at the object always wondering why and how it got in that state, but feeling deep down it must have been him who had damaged it, I am so used to things like that…so when, out of the blue, he gave me the object, “repaired”, I felt so hurt. I felt trust was nowhere in my home, in my heart, in my gut, in my every day. How could he do that to me?

      I am only just realizing the pain, the loss of confidence, the loss of validation, the loss of love, the false life I have experienced, the craziness i live in, the mind games he plays, the destruction of my values, my boundaries, my belongings, my freedom, my mind, my hopes, my ambitions, my dreams, the lot.

      Just having to stop yourself reacting to a piece of paper with punctuation signs on it, with the items I am culprit of having bought…just having no right, or feeling it’s dangerous, to speak to find out why you deserve such a message…just those feelings created by emotional abuse, repetitively…years and years of this, because I dare question his reactions and actions too…because I bought x and he saw it and set a perfect scene on the work surface for me to find my dose of abuse because he feels it’s needed?????

      I nearly spoke to him, but the only person who would get hurt is me, so I stopped myself, I am fuel to him. I feel his reaction from metres away, through walls and in the silence around. He is in a different part of the house, waiting, but I feel his reactions, his nasty eyes, his ego, his crazy making, his games. It’s painful. You take and you take and you take…till you can take no more. He is waiting for that no more so I react and argue. I feel him waiting. I feel like a pray and he is the predator…it’s absolutely painful.

    • #50491

      And you know…as I watch films with scenes of despair or pain or injustice or violence, I feel that pain so much I cry, I walk away, I change the channel, I just can’t bear it because I am those characters wanting to be heard and no one hears nor believe. I literally feel so bad I can’t recognize myself, I just can’t bear signs of suffering, I just can’t. I have changed so much, I used to be ok, I am not any more,
      I stay away from home most evenings, most weekends, I stay in cafés, just like now, I can’t find the strength to be anywhere near him nor feel his presence.
      It’s like losing yourself. You are not allowed to feel at all.

    • #50502
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      It sounds absolutely awful Bridget, and reminds me of the fear and pain and confusion I felt while I was still with my ex. If I remember correctly I think I remember that you left and returned to him, please ring the helpline to tell them what is happening and get their advice. Life is not meant to be lived like this, being controlled and abused and gaslighted and mocked, it is a horrendous way to live and you deserve so much more. Abusers have all sorts of ways of making us feel trapped but there is always a way to break free of them and lots of help on offer. Keep posting for support and don’t give up.

    • #50511
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi Bridget,
      So sorry you’re having such a rough time right now. Sunshine’s right you deserve so much more than this. No-one deserves such ridiculous, to be controlled, mocked, afraid to say anything incase you inflame the situation. I know what that’s like. It just got worse. Even when I did fight back and threatened to leave he just laughed, telling me I was being hysterical and needed to get help. When I refused he went and told our GP I needed help. I’m finding people Do believe me, are helping me. You just need to reach out, the help is out there. Keep trying the helpline and get their advice. They helped me see I deserve better, it’s not my fault, it’s him! Don’t keep putting yourself through this. You deserve to be happy, we all do. Hugs

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