Question

[Headcook]

Have been on week off amazing what you see when home
The partner has slept soo much and barely set foot outside the door
So unhealthy for her and the baby
She is very lazy but too this extent it is very extreme for a young girl

I’m seeing her entering my world I think
I have done this with my abusive x and when it’s at it’s worse with son whom she is with
So I’m thinking is is just laziness or is she feeling like this because she is being affected too by this house

Not sure I’m just making excuses

I have said to son it’s not healthy her not going out to which I got it’s hard for her as she doesn’t have transport
Wow never new that stopped you going out

I very nearly had a chat with her but don’t want to rock the boat and her leave before me
I’m still mid plan to leave and can’t be stuck with him again

Felt a bit stronger this week as he been off my back
Prob won’t last

Hc

[KIP.]

If he’s off your back chances are he’s transferred his abuse somewhere and I’d guess it’s directed at her now. Abusers have got to abuse someone and what she’s doing is typical when we are being abused with a young child. I remember those days too. Just keep working on your own exit plan. You can’t help her when you’re both stuck with an abuser.

[Headcook]

His reply sounded like he likes her isolated
A loving partner would encourage her out
There was a pile of stuff to put away in there room she was not around he said to me what you both been doing all day wow not my job it’s hers maybe she needs to get out of bed
Music to his ears prob hearing she not functioning

I can’t help her until she ready to hear the truth
Did tell her she can talk to me about anything anytime not much came back

She very much in denial still prob doesn’t have a clue what to do or what this is
Remember those days well

Just getting this out there as no one understands and it all makes you feel crazy keeping it inside thinking you are the only one thinking this
Validation is so helpful to my mashed brain and messed up thoughts
On here people can associate and this helps me

Hc

[KIP.]

I’d give her the helpline number/leaflet for women’s aid once you’re safe.

[Headcook]

Planning on giving her the book living with a dominator from freedom programme when I’m out
She will find him in there

Since this has sunk in with him being abused to me have re read this book he is in there

Bad father etc and how a good man should react as I never read it with him in mind previous

Can see it now

Then I think when he is being nice to me
Have this all wrong !

Suppose that’s how I’ve got through the last 2 decades ?

Hc

[KIP.]

Yes that’s the cycle of abuse. He knows he has to throw you some crumbs of kindness to keep you hooked in and when he does we act like we are grateful and forget his real motives. Mind blowing dysfunctional behaviour. That book saved my life. It shocked me to the core but was the start of my road to freedom x

[Headcook]

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft was the book that shocked me to the core kip
Remember my whole world come crashing down the realisation of the sick toxic way I was living
Suddenly all made sense
My life was one big lie
It took a further few years before I acted and left x abusive partner but the damage was done I no this now with my poor health
I myself was in denial about my son back then
Kidded myself I was living abuse free
Reality I was still on that wheel going round and round on the cycle
Can remember the crumbs of affection and that’s what part of the cycle I am currently at with son
Won’t be long before we enter the tension building stage and my anxiety will rear its head again not that it ever goes away
Just heightens when I sense him building

Why do I still doubt this
Because he learned this way when he was being pulled along with my wrong choices

Hc

[KIP.]

It’s not your fault. He knows right from wrong he just chooses a path he wants to.

[Headcook]

Ha just been told I’m a better person when I’m not at work

I said no son I’m a different person when I’m being miss treated by you !!

He was like yeah ok fair enough

Felt brave enough to say it to him

Prob pay the price later on for being strong

Hc

[Author]

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