Viewing 2 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #56093
      Caterina
      Participant

      I left an abusive relationship over (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Basically I’ve gotten on with my life and am much stronger than I was then. Of course there are emotional scars a’plenty that come along with the way these types of relationship seriously get under your skin, but my life is so much more positive and happy now.

      I was with my partner spanning (detail removed by Moderator) years. We were close enough to where we were once looking for a house to buy together – but fortunately for the alarm bells went off just in time and I slammed on the breaks. However during that time we had together, throughout all the ‘imagined’ happiness of being the object of his worship and idolisation, we had a close relationship, while the weird psycho abuse/control stuff was gradually simmering away in the background. As with all close and intimate relationships that go on for a while, soon our ‘money’ became ‘ours’, in the way that we would buy each other gifts, take each other to dinner, each pay for things, help each other out depending on which of us was more flush at any particular moment in time. You just don’t question it, there is no tallying of ‘debt’. I shall admit that he was in a much stronger position to pay for things on the whole, as he earned way more than me. My contributions were just as big, if you look at proportions of income anyway. He would lavish stuff on me sometimes, but I just saw it as wanting to ‘care’ for me, and I would lavish things back as much as I could, sometimes sending me into debt just so I could somehow demonstrate my love and appreciation and gratitude.

      Anyway, shortly before the end of our relationship, I ran into a bit of brick wall financially. I had to pay for an enormous vet’s bill for my dog (who has since died), it ran into thousands as it exceeded his insurance coverage and it cleaned me out. One month I was struggling to pay my mortgage, which at the time was (detail removed by Moderator) per month. I asked him if he could maybe ‘help me out’, and that I would pay him back ‘when I could’, as soon as I had a good-paying commission (I was self-employed then and although poor a lot of the time when a job would come in I would be ‘flush’ for a month or two!).

      Then a couple of months later our relationship HAD TO end. The abuse became intolerable, I was a wreck and had a breakdown, I just couldn’t take his angry outbursts, which would involve him telling me I was the lowest of the low, I was useless, irredeemable, etc, etc, etc. I once and for all ended it. Then came the threats, horrible threats, in emails and texts, that ‘something awful was going to happen to me’ and I was going to get all I ‘deserved’, that he would see to it. The kind of threats that have you looking over your shoulder constantly. I had to get the police involved, and once I did he FINALLY left me alone. I went on to rebuild and repair and have come a long way.

      But recently, he has brought up this ‘money I borrowed from him’ again, in an email. That I ‘never paid it back’, that I had better do so or he will ‘make me pay’, through court and bailiffs. All the other horrible things he says in these emails make it obvious what it’s all about, he wants to control me somehow, make me feel powerless and frightened. He still hates me for finally walking away. Firstly I’m in no position to pay him that money, (detail removed by Moderator) is a lot of money to me right now, I am on disability benefit and do not work, I have a lot of health issues, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) now. But secondly, I feel, why should I? There were birthdays and holidays that I spent thousands on him when I was doing OK, or I would get myself into debt doing it. To me, it’s just the principle too? That’s what HAPPENS in relationships, you don’t keep a running tab. I also feel that if I did find this money from somewhere and gave it to him, he would just find something else to threaten and blackmail me with. He has before now threatened to ‘make life difficult’ for me in other ways. You’ve all seen the stalker movies – when someone obsessively wants to screw your life up they find ways. I feel it would never stop, because I know WHY he is doing this – there would be no end.

      What I’m wondering is, should I be frightened? After over (detail removed by Moderator), does he have any power to take me to small claims court, send bailiffs round? Just because, during our time together, there was a time where I asked him if he could help me out with my mortgage one month (in an email, so it’s documented), including my intention to ‘pay him back when I could’? We were never married, or lived together, we were a couple who lived separately, paid our own mortgages/rents, had no assets together, there were absolutely no legal ties.

      I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice? Perhaps someone else has been in this position? I can’t believe that over (detail removed by Moderator) on, he is still trying to find ways to control me in such a malicious way.

      Thanks!

    • #56099

      My gut instinct answer is ‘no’ absolutely not. I’ve only had a short reading of your email due to juggling stuff today. But (I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator) btw) – you are not married, don’t live together, he doesn’t seem to have any evidence of what happened.

      So. it seems you have a good handle on harassment law. My understanding of it is (correct me if I’m wrong ladies). Three strikes and you are OUT. Call his bluff, please lovely. the second time he threatens you tell him if he does it again you will report him to the police. And then do that. Problem solved.
      all best
      ftc.x

    • #56146
      Caterina
      Participant

      Thank you! You’re right. I think I was allowing him to shake my cage again.

Viewing 2 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content