Questioning everything…

[DjangoPony]

I’ve been with my husband for almost a decade, married for around half that and we have 2 young children.

I’m exhausted.

We both work full time in office based (detail removed by moderator) jobs, but after that he does almost nothing at home. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, all the laundry, most of the childcare for two very active little boys, take on all the mental load around the house and end up having to facilitate his time consuming hobby. He literally would sit around doing nothing while I’m working my arse off and it’s unbelievably annoying.

I’ve suffered from postnatal depression since the birth of my second child, he literally won’t listen when I tell him something is wrong. I’ve been told “you’re ruining my holiday” and had the car radio turned up at me when I told him I was at a low point and he’s trying to convince me to come off my meds ever since I commented on side effects. They’re actually working, fatigue is a side effect.

He deliberately does things that provoke my anxiety too and tries to blame me afterwards, it’s very frustrating. A couple of weeks ago he said we were going for a drive and absolutely refused to tell me where we were going, then started having a go at me for not being prepared for a longer day out than anticipated when we ran out of nappies.

He has also been sexually coercive – there have been quite a few times where he makes me feel like I can’t say no. After the birth of our first child he pushed and pushed until I gave in to sex 24 days after the birth, it hurt but he didn’t seem to care. He also won’t wear condoms or get the snip, I can’t do hormonal contraception as it has serious mental health implications for me so I have a copper IUD despite the fact that I bleed to a ridiculous degree with it (I’m veggie and prone to low iron so this causes me issues every month!). When I was breastfeeding our second baby he got a massive breastfeeding fetish and would not stop grabbing my boobs and trying to suck on them and squirt milk on himself even when I clearly said no and asked him to stop. I gave up after (detail removed by moderator) months as it was becoming incredibly triggering every time my son latched on.

It just feels like everything in my life is about him and his needs, he’s even called me out for “giving the kids too much attention”! He makes financial decisions without asking me and seems to think that “better to beg forgiveness than ask permission” is a life motto. He even threw a shoe at me a couple of weeks ago after I asked him to do a simple thing he didn’t want to do, then got into the car and drove off with one of the children and a backpack which had my phone and house keys in it.

I went to visit family with the children (detail removed by moderator) and he was on his best behaviour all week, even talking about house buying at the end of the week. I’m not signing for anything with him but I think he wants to lock me in.

I think I want out but I have no idea where to go from here. None of my family live in the UK and I’m only (time frame removed by moderator) in this city.

I know something needs to change, but what and how?

[Anonymous]

Hey . Sorry to hear about your situation it sounds really stressful and I really feel for you 😔I may not be much help as I’m currently stuck in a situation a bit like yours myself -my partners’ behaviours seem very similar to yours , and am hoping to get out of it but finding it hard to figure out exactly how right now , but I do understand and empathise with your situation. I have two young kids also and suffered terrible post natal depression with my second with no support from partner (he just made it worse)Anyway I hope you find help, maybe try the helpline with women’s aid for advice ? I have someone calling me back tomorrow and hoping that’ll be helpful , and chatting on here has also made me feel not quite so alone x

[Fudgecake]

Hello,
I’m not surprised you feel exhausted.
Dealing with a full time job and children is exhausting enough in a normal relationship. What he is doing is totally abusive and unacceptable. Get advice from W.A. and get some legal advice too. Also, don’t let him talk you into leaving your job or reducing your hours. You have financial income and this is a strength. He sounds more like a hindrance than a partner. Make plans now to get out but don’t let him know anything about your intentions- you’re not dealing with a normal relationship here unfortunately. Leaving abusive relationships is the most dangerous time for women so keep acting normal whilst making plans. WA can help and advise you. Stay strong, stay safe.

[Camel]

Sorry to hear what you’re going through. It’s no surprise you feel stuck as you don’t have any time to think straight. Can you look for some help from your GP to start with? Find out about alternative contraception that doesn’t bring you low every month. (You shouldn’t have to make yourself ill just to suit his sexual whims.) And maybe seek some therapy to deal with the post natal depression? I think once you feel physically and mentally stronger you’ll be in a much better place to make bigger decisions. Meanwhile, protect your finances and your job and don’t be pressured into anything. I think you would also find it a great relief to talk to someone at WA. And listen to the women on this forum as they all have your back x

[DjangoPony]

I have started therapy – had a first session last week which went from initial details to me word-vomiting out a lot of the details. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to grab my boys and jump on a plane back to my home town as much as I did after that session. I’m not sure if I can face going on our planned holiday either…

[KIP.]

I was wrongly diagnosed with post natal depression. It was his mental cruelt that was causing my depression. Abuse often escalates when we are vulnerable with young babies. Contact your local women’s aid for advice and how to plan a safe exit. His behaviour is appalling. My ex did the same with piling on the responsibility for absolutely everything. House work, kids, shopping, finances, car insurance etc etc. While he did his job and nothing else. He sat back waiting for me to drop a ball then abused me for it. They destroy our mental health. They suck the life from us. Ring the helpline number on here too for advice x

[DjangoPony]

He had a proper go at me in front of the kids on Saturday. He doesn’t care. I need to get out.

[KIP.]

Women’s aid are your ticket out x ring them and take all the help offered x

[Author]

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