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Hi. It’s my first time posting – last week I stopped all contact with my mum after so many years of her abusing me in various different ways. I finally moved out of her house a few years ago and since then I’ve thought every day about stopping contact but always been too afraid to do it until now. I know it is the best thing for me but I keep worrying about how she will now be coping – I feel bad that she might be upset and struggling despite knowing that I’m not responsible for her. Is this a normal reaction? Will I stop worrying and questioning my decision?
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Hello, well done on cutting your abusive Mother out of your life. That must have taken serious courage. We are always made to feel like family should come first when actually we never chose for them to be in our lives in the first place, so why should we stick around if they’re toxic and abusive?!
It sounds like a very normal reaction to going no contact. Abusers condition us to always put their needs first over our own and from what I’ve read it takes time to undo that line of thinking.
Dr Ramani talks about familial abuse in her YouTube videos, it might be worth checking out if you haven’t already. Xx -
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I agree with Gettingtired. It is an incredibly brave thing to do. You have had a lifetime of being convinced that her needs are more important than yours. It will take time for things to shift. You are also probably trauma bonded to her (google it) and trauma bonds take time to break, even after you’ve managed to cut contact.
I imagine there is also a lot of grief about the relationship you didn’t have with her. Cutting contact may feel like you’ve given up your chance to win her love. But you say that you know cutting contact is for the best and you’re right. You can’t win the love of someone who doesn’t have it to give. There is nothing wrong with you. There never was. It was always all about her. Reading up on abuse may help. You may also find counselling helpful. I can only imagine how painful it must be to have a mother who is unable to love you the way every child deserves to be loved. Sending lots of love and hugs xxxx
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Thank you – everything you say is how I feel – I’ve read a bit about abuse and I’m having counselling – but I really appreciate the support here from people who truly understand – it’s hard to talk to friends especially those from loving families who can’t understand what I’m saying and why I’ve cut contact.
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Dr Ramani has been a lifesaver to me. I am the scapegoat daughter of a n********t mother. My 2 golden child siblings have attacked not only me, but my dear daughter. I am now no contact with all of my immediate family of origin. I have aunts whom I have talked to about the crazy, chaotic house I grew up in. It was classic n**********c abuse. My 2 sisters the golden ones/the flying monkeys are very overt. I was charged (detail removed by moderator). They were bought multiple houses for cash…(detail removed by moderator). My mother is a LIAR and cares nothing about me, but she wants it all to be ok to the public. Also, I should continue doing everything for them so that the golden ones are not disrupted. I’m done.
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Well done for cutting contact, it is an incredibly brave thing to do and it’s you starting to put your needs first, which is only right and exactly what you deserve to do. I cut contact with my abusive father a few years ago and yes it is hard, but honestly if abusive people wanted us to be in their lives, they should have treated us better. Especially where parents are concerned I believe that if they’re not going to step us and give us the love and nurturing that everyone deserves as a default and a baseline, and instead they’re going to abuse us and force us to put our needs last, then they only have themselves to blame when we get tired of it and cut them out of our lives. I wish you every success on your healing journey. <3
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