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    • #127152

      Hi. It’s my first time posting – last week I stopped all contact with my mum after so many years of her abusing me in various different ways. I finally moved out of her house a few years ago and since then I’ve thought every day about stopping contact but always been too afraid to do it until now. I know it is the best thing for me but I keep worrying about how she will now be coping – I feel bad that she might be upset and struggling despite knowing that I’m not responsible for her. Is this a normal reaction? Will I stop worrying and questioning my decision?

    • #127153

      Hello, well done on cutting your abusive Mother out of your life. That must have taken serious courage. We are always made to feel like family should come first when actually we never chose for them to be in our lives in the first place, so why should we stick around if they’re toxic and abusive?!
      It sounds like a very normal reaction to going no contact. Abusers condition us to always put their needs first over our own and from what I’ve read it takes time to undo that line of thinking.
      Dr Ramani talks about familial abuse in her YouTube videos, it might be worth checking out if you haven’t already. Xx

      • #127156

        Thank you – I will have a look on youtube – it just feels so hard at the moment but I am hoping it will settle down eventually.

    • #127169

      I agree with Gettingtired. It is an incredibly brave thing to do. You have had a lifetime of being convinced that her needs are more important than yours. It will take time for things to shift. You are also probably trauma bonded to her (google it) and trauma bonds take time to break, even after you’ve managed to cut contact.

      I imagine there is also a lot of grief about the relationship you didn’t have with her. Cutting contact may feel like you’ve given up your chance to win her love. But you say that you know cutting contact is for the best and you’re right. You can’t win the love of someone who doesn’t have it to give. There is nothing wrong with you. There never was. It was always all about her. Reading up on abuse may help. You may also find counselling helpful. I can only imagine how painful it must be to have a mother who is unable to love you the way every child deserves to be loved. Sending lots of love and hugs xxxx

      • #127177

        Thank you – everything you say is how I feel – I’ve read a bit about abuse and I’m having counselling – but I really appreciate the support here from people who truly understand – it’s hard to talk to friends especially those from loving families who can’t understand what I’m saying and why I’ve cut contact.

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