This topic contains 13 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Butterfly3 2 weeks ago.

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  • #103954
     Butterfly3 
    Participant

    I’ve been so certain that I need to leave for quite some time now and have had a DA support worker for a while but recently I really feel like I’m starting to question myself like maybe it is me? I don’t feel like the abuse is obvious enough. He has recently been so nice to me. Bought me a new car as a surprise and has made it clear that he has spent a fortune on my birthday which is coming up. I just wish I could always be 100% firm in how I feel and think as one minute I’m really sure I’m leaving him and the next I’m thinking that he isn’t really abusive and maybe I’m just over sensitive from being in abusive relationships before and I see things as abusive when they’re normal or just a bad day for him? Does that make sense? I am questioning my own thoughts all the time and I was so sure he was abusive. The way he does things is so subtle I cant even put my finger on it half the time

  • #103956
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi Butterfly3

    The difference between Relationship Conflict and Relationship Abuse is Fear. Relationship Conflict, the niggling, bickering, not wanting to be around each other much, will come when you’re both a bit tired, or a relationship has run its course, but neither party fear any harm from each other. Both parties are getting a bit bored with each other, have realised they’ve not got much in common after all, both are a bit unhappy but neither want to end it in case they end up making the wrong decision and then the other party has moved on etc, so they stay together, not really happy, but not totally miserable, just a bit ‘in limbo’ for a while until they decide it’s make or break.

    If things he does to you, or says to you, make you feel scared, uneasy, apprehensive, embarrassed, hurt, and you find this to be far more than emotionally upsetting, then it’s likely you are in an abusive relationship. If someone is telling you what to do, what to wear, who you can go out with and when, what time they expect you back for instance, and there are scary consequences to you not complying, then that’s abuse. If someone shouts and rages, smashes things, punches holes in doors, threatens to hit you, does hit you, slap you, punch you, push you over, pull you around, grabs you, puts you in arm locks kick you, grab you around the throat and squeezes until you nearly pass out or do pass out, spits at you, pulls your hair, locks you out of the house, locks you in a room and won’t let you out, thinks they can do sexual things to you when they want to, makes you do sexual things to them even when you don’t want to, this is all abuse. If they constantly insult you, criticise you, put you down so you feel you can’t do anything right, then it’s abuse. If they spend your money or control how you spend your money, won’t let you get your hair done, or get a manicure, or buy make-up, throws away your medication or your contraceptive pill because they want you to get pregnant, it’s abuse.

    This used to be called Domestic Violence but has now changed to Domestic Abuse. Many ladies associated the word ‘violence’ with black eyes, broken bones, or almost being killed, so they thought the ‘little things’ like a slap to the face, a yank of the hair, or things that didn’t leave any marks were not violence. Ladies were not reporting the emotional abuse, the mental abuse, the controlling and coercive behaviour, because it didn’t always involve ‘violence’.

    You describe ‘subtle’ things. These are often the ‘clever little things’ that abusers do to make us doubt ourselves. If your gut instinct brings you to this site then I guess your partner is using some of the abuse tactics I’ve described. Please don’t doubt yourself. If it doesn’t feel right it’s probably not right. To be crude, if it looks like sh*t and smells like sh*t, it’s sh*t!

    Stay with us, let us know a bit more if you feel ready to share x

  • #103957
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    By the way, try and establish if the car he has bought you has got a tracker on it! That’s a great way to give you a gift where he can know exactly where you are or have been.

  • #103959
     Butterfly3 
    Participant

    Hi thank you for your reply. How do I know if there is a tracker on it? I’ve posted here before but only a few times. I guess I know he can be abusive but maybe its whether I feel the amount of abuse justifies labelling him that way if that makes sense? So he can be controlling but again often in a subtle way. So he will say my top is a bit low and to be careful as you can see right down it but what I’m wearing isn’t low cut at all and I’ve carefully picked things so I don’t upset him. He never says I can’t go out with friends but if a night out was planned he would be off for with me in the lead up but he would deny that was why. Then if he does admit it he’ll say he is worried men will come up to me and I may be interested because I clearly don’t fancy him anymore and his reasons for this are that I’m not affectionate enough or like I used to be. He is very stubborn and wont let go of things unless I apologise even if I don’t feel I’m in the wrong I have to say sorry. He often days i don’t appreciate him and I’m ungrateful for all he does. I often wonder whether he does grand gestures at times just so he can say I was ungrateful? A thank you is never enough he will always say he expected me to be happier and asks why I didnt post about it on social media. We clash massively over the children that are mine but not his. If they misbehave in anyway and he doesn’t think I’ve dealt with it properly be is off with me and he’ll give them punishments without oking it with me first. Refers to them as little s***s under his breath. His children could get away with murder though and he wouldn’t blink. He’s accused me of fancying my work colleagues and in particular my boss for small things like they have praised my work. He uses silent treatment quite often and will seem in a bad mood for no apparent reason. I don’t know these things all seem so trivial. One of the things that really upsets me is if we argue and I cry he never comforts me or seems concerned he just leaves me on my own.

  • #103963
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Butterfly3

    It seems to me that you’re only questioning your decision to leave because he’s bought you a car and claims to have spent a good deal on your upcoming birthday.

    Chances are, even if you haven’t told him you plan to leave, he’s picked up that you’re pulling away from him.

    Only you will know whether he’s always been extravagant but I’d be inclined to check that the car is actually in your name and that there isn’t a loan involved, perhaps on the mortgage or on a shared credit card. The same applies to your birthday. Don’t take anything he says at face value.

    Everything you describe is controlling behaviour. Trust me, this is abuse. Just because he doesn’t hurt you physically doesn’t justify how he treats you and your children. Please don’t question yourself. You have every right to leave this relationship, with or without the label of ‘abusive’.

  • #103971
     Rubymurray 
    Participant

    Hi Butterfly3,

    Im following due to relating to your post a lot, i could have written most of it.

    I am a good 6 mnths in thinking/recognising/knowing all these things….but often I question, how much is possibly me being over sensitive, getting very confused to even go over things clearly in my mind after situations.

    I will say it is easier to read others and ‘know’ in your heart it isnt acceptable and is abuse…its just more challenging to see it in our own lives unfortately.

  • #103990
     Butterfly3 
    Participant

    The car isn’t on finance it was bought outright I 100% know that. I’m insured as the main driver too but how do I make sure it’s in my name and he can’t take it when I leave? I need it for my children and work. I’ll be honest I did wonder myself about how to put it in my name. Does anyone know how to check for a tracker? I haven’t written down everything on here that he does but he isn’t physically violent. I know if we didnt have a child together I would find this so much easier to leave. I don’t want my daughter to think the way he treats me is acceptable behaviour so I know I’m doing the right thing but she adores him. I’m not questioning my choice to stay over material things isn’t not that I suppose it is me stupidly feeling as though maybe he’s done that because he cares. Until yesterday when we argued it was the longest period of him being nice to me in a while so I think its thrown me. I did wonder if he knew I might be trying to leave and that was why but then I question myself as being paranoid. Sorry you’re going through the same rubymurray

    • #104010
       Iwantmeback 
      Participant

      Hi Butterfly3, check the log books of the car, it says who the registered keeper is. You could take the car into a garage and ask if they can check fir trackers. Sometimes it’s just a case of looking though, try feeling under the wheel arches,under the felt in the boot.
      As to feeling sneaky ladies try and see it as giving the best audition for a part in a movie. Haven’t we all wanted to be an actress at some stage in our lives.💜💜

      I’m having a wee drop in today,let you all know I got everything moved that was too heavy on my own. I see there’s some new ladies, jyst want to say hello and welcome to the forum. @wanttohelp, your knowledge is very much appreciated, thank you on my part as well. The post re coercive control was very eye opening 💞
      I’ll pop in and out, I’m happy to say I do feel a lot less anxious than I was earlier on in the week. @kip, yes I agree totally with what you replied, the fact I’m taking such a huge step away from him and without his knowledge definitely increased anxiety.
      Much love to all
      IWMB 💞💞

  • #103994
     Kitkat44 
    Participant

    Also relating to all you’ve questioned and wondered over Butterfly3. Am in a very similar situation and wishing I could find the courage to end it.
    Xx

  • #103997
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    I can totally relate to a lot of this, particularly about he kids situation.
    My ex could be lovely, buying me gifts one day. Then the next he would be creating a huge drama over something really minor.
    I had (detail removed by moderator) kids from a previous relationship and inintially he was kind, caring and got in great with them. Over time as they got older he became more opinionated on what they should be doing to help round the house, how they should be behaving. It was getting to the point I didn’t have a voice and he ruled the roost and everyone in it – and to make matters worse, it was my flipping roost!!!

    It eventually got to the point he was very verbally Abusive to my daughter one night over something trivial, and my son got very upset and said he had felt bullied by him for (detail removed by moderator) months.

    We separated for a short while but I gave him another chance. Did it get better – in some ways yes, he left the kids mainly alone. In other ways no – he just found other things I did to get annoyed about. It’s like that was his outlet to vent. Over the final year we were together, he created drama and upset on key celebration days – it couldn’t just be coincidence.

    One day he picked another fight over something again trivial – this time i didn’t back down. It escalated to the point we separated and this time I didn’t give him another chance. He basically backed himself into a corner. He tried to reconcile and within 48 hours was back to creating drama.

    I’m out – I’m glad I’m out. Now my kids are so much happier. Don’t underestimate the impact this has on them – I wish I hadn’t. Do you ever find yourself shooting the kids a warning lookin the hope they pick up the signal and change their behaviour before he notices something? Do you find yourself covering for them. Do you find yourself asking them to do something/not do something because you know it will pacify him? All huge warning signs!

    Re going out socially – ditto!!! Always a drama before I went but of course he didn’t mind me going out…yeah right! Do you find yourself not telling him about your plans until nearer the time just to reduce his sulk time? Do you drink less/ order things that aren’t spicy so he dies t complain about the smell? Do you delay confirming plans because you wonder if it’s really worth the bother? All huge warning signs!

    Yet in between, they can be the greatest and most considerate people ever? They aren’t daft – they know they need to keep us onside – look at the Cycle of Abuse.

    If you think it’s abuse and you have found your way here – it probably is abuse – it certainly sounds very familiar to me.

    I too was sucked in regarding timings – can’t go now, it’s his birthday soon / we have a holiday booked – etc. In the end it all finished over nothing and it wasn’t a plan at all, but I’m glad I took the opportunity and I’m now very glad I got out!! X

    • #104102
       Butterfly3 
      Participant

      Head spinning yes, yes and yes again! All the time with the children especially one of them I just know he is going to wind him up and I panic. Yes I lie and cover for him because I just know it’s going to cause issues. I am well on my way to planning to leave but because of lockdown it’s all going to make it more difficult as I cant just leave when hes at work like I would have done and I don’t want to live like this for months more 🙁 hes been so awful today and just makes me realise more. Why is it that everytime he’s like this I’m so sure then he can change and be nice and I forget what he has said and done. My children will always be my priority and he made my son cry (detail removed by moderator) and I wont stand for that. I’m just sad I’ll always have to be in contact with him as we share a child

  • #104000
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Definitely feeling the same here too, though no extravagant gifts. Im going through a period of niceness too, its so confusing. And the subtleness, which is gas lighting. Someone said to me you’ll know when you know, it will suddenly happen. I called the 101 police a while back, didn’t plan to, just stopped what I was doing, walked out and made the call, just like that, there wasn’t even an ‘incident’, just did it. The same will happen with leaving. Get everything sorted out, all your ducks in a row, try and think about every scenario, deep breath and jump. That’s my plan. But then I’m a risk averse planner by nature. And look where that has got me! Sending strength and courage. xx

  • #104003
     iliketea 
    Participant

    And i was just thinking, it also feels really sneaky planning and plotting doesn’t it. I’m an open book so it doesn’t come easy to have all these secrets but I know its needed. Might be the same for you. And I don’t like hurting people so feel strangely worried about the affect its going to have on him! Mad isn’t it?! x

    • #104035
       Kitkat44 
      Participant

      Iliketea- Why oh why do We care about hurting their feelings so much?
      Xx

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