Questions

[Balloons]

Hi everyone. I’ve been feeling a little bit less in doubt about things but I just had some things I wanted to ask, to see if anyone has the same thoughts…

I feel like my ex could be really kind and sweet, at least he used to be. In the final year or so of our relationship he was never that person, it’s like over time all the good just disappeared. I sometimes wonder if I’d held on a bit longer if he would have come back to me? The man I thought I married? Was he really never that person? It just seems too far fetched to me to believe that was all fake or lies, I genuinely think hes got some good in him and I feel really saddened that it seems like the bad won out.

Also, there are always two sides to everything right? I had my part to play in how things went, it’s not like I was always quiet or a pushover, I did stand up for myself. He seems to really deeply believe that through all this he is the victim and I am an abuser, if that’s his truthful experience of events then what makes my truth anymore real than his?

I’m also feeling really p****d off that it took us splitting up for him to properly step up for our young children. When they stay with him I think they have a good time, well he even gets out of bed in the morning which in all the years he never did when he was here. But I’m also concerned about some of the things the children are saying when they come back to me, certain words and phrases I would never say that make me question him, but whenever I’ve raised it with him hes just denied it entirely. Still making me feel like I’m going mad but in such a subtle way I cant really explain it. He can be a very good dad, but it’s all those small things that worry me.

Does anyone else have experience of a man who seems to simultaneously hate himself beyond words, but also think hes godsent? I put so many of our problems for so many years down to his depression, and thought if he could just manage that properly all our bigger problems would go away. I spent much of my life worrying about him it was exhausting, I truly just wanted for him to be alright. But he only got worse, and so did his treatment of me. And then after years of caring for him he turned round and told me how uncaring and cold, unsympathetic i have been for years. I have never in my life given so much of myself to one person, to try and help them, and to have it thrown back at me was devastating.

I suppose when I think about things I know that for years I questioned his treatment of me, and how I knew I would never treat anyone the way he does, or talk to anyone that way, or at least feel an ounce of remorse if I did upset someone. For him, a switch would just flick and he would be nice again, and I learnt not to push for an apology because it would only send us back to that place again, and I desperately wanted to hold on to the good parts. But also a little bit out of what I think is laziness, why cause all that drama and upset and days or weeks of misery just for a simple apology? I thought I was bigger than rising to it, but then he would accuse me of being dishonest about my feelings with him. Not just dishonest but being abusive by withholding. I felt like I couldnt win.

I am seeing more that his behaviour was abusive in some measure, but it is still difficult to really believe it, because it doesnt seem as bad as otherppeople’s experiences and also I feel it doesnt accurately portray the whole of the him or our relationship either.

Theres no part of me that wants him back in my house, and a big part of me wishes he would just disappear from our lives entirely (but then I feel guilty for wishing that for the children’s sakes). I just cant believe this is me or my life. I wish I’d listened to my gut years ago and done something then, but I really thought we would get through anything together. Every year was the worst hed ever felt for various s****y things that had happened in our lives, and I loved him so much I was determined to stay by him forever. But I didnt, and I feel guilty about that too.

Apologies for the long late night post, just needed to get stuff off my chest. X*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Balloons,

Please don’t torture yourself with regrets, you know you gave that relationship everything you could – and more, but it no longer made you happy. You did the right thing by getting out of it. No matter how long you stayed he wouldn’t have got any better. You would have just prolonged your own misery.

It’s good he’s stepped up for the children and they enjoy spending time with him. Not sure how old they are (you can’t say anyway) or what sort of things they are saying, but could it be from some other influence in his household, rather than him? Have they got access to TV channels / Netflix / Online Gaming / YouTube for instance that they wouldn’t have when they are at your house where they could be learning these things? Is he as strict with what they have access to with these things as you may be?

[Camel]

Hi Balloons

I think what you’re experiencing now is just healthy healing. You’re looking back and analysing. You know you made the right decision.

It will always be difficult while you share childcare but that won’t be forever. As long as he’s being a good father be grateful and try not to worry about things that don’t matter.

Remember too that you are not responsible for the end of the relationship, even if you’re the one who called time. You put in a mammoth effort so accept that you did your best.

[Cuppatea]

Hello Love,

I’m glad you‘ve managed to co parent and he’s stepped up and become a good father to them. But there’s only so much you can do in terms of the type of person he was/or is.

If he does not want to change some of his ways and you’ve put in all the effort then know it’s never your fault. He is responsible for his own actions and his own behaviour.

And I agree with @wantstohelp it could be things they’re hearing from elsewhere. Or maybe you could ask your kids where they’ve learnt that word from. And say it’s just a simple question you won’t be mad at them. I know sometimes kids just lie to get away from things but it’s worth a try.

Lots of love xx

[Balloons]

Thanks everyone. I suppose I know it’s good for the children that he is being a good dad to them, but it makes me resentful because why couldnt he do that when we were together? He obviously had the capacity to be good and things would have been so much better if we could have been good together. It just feels unfair that it took this for him to step up, but I’m glad I did at all. And we’re more like parallel parenting, he is good with the children but still pretty terrible with me, any communication I’ve had had been the same as it ever was, but now hes even more blaming and uses the children to guilt me.

I suppose i just still find it so hard to quantify exactly went wrong, because it was all emotional/psychological. Anyone else have just this side of abuse? How do you cope with understanding it all?

[iliketea]

I have it but am in it still so no use in terms of the after bit. I do often have the doubts you mention but I think one thing that is helping me is sitting there and thinking, would I want this person at my side in old age, through cancer, or at the end? The answer is a big fat no. Not having consistent love, care and empathy for me is not right. It is no way to live, hoping to be loved and noticed and hoping they’ll change. As you’re experiencing, he won’t, not to you. We are the special ones, that’s the other thing about this. I think in a way you have to look on it as a mental health problem, although they are totally in charge of their actions, don’t get me wrong, they know what they are doing, and we are the trigger.
Sending strength as it the most frustrating thing in the world what you’re going through but as others have said, maybe if hes being good with kids that is something to be grateful for and it will help them long term, if it continues. If he crosses boundaries though maybe you need to try and talk to him directly? xx

[Wants To Help]

In my case Balloons, my ex did not co-parent at all, but he wasn’t too bad as a Dad when he had our son as the years went on. My son went on long holidays with his Dad and had nice times, he’d come back and tell me some good things they did together, then he’d mention his Dad’s road rage / racist language / homophobic rants etc so I still knew the man hadn’t changed! So, he actually parented better apart from me than we parented together, because together, I could never do anything right. He’d undermine me with everything. So once I left him I parented how I wanted to.

I’ve chatted to my son now that he’s a young man and he has told me he sees his Dad’s faults and he’s glad that I left him. He’s actually told me he knows his life would have been far worse if I’d have stuck it out with his Dad just for him. He’s told me he’s had a happy childhood and I’ve nothing to feel bad about or regret – so for any ladies who may worry that their children will resent them for leaving an abusive father, mine has actually told me he’s glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Children are impressionable and no match for someone who is adept at mindgames/manipulation. I’ve seen this before, known people who are doing co-parenting and say what you have said. And while your children say good things, you still have to know that you’re on the outside looking in now. He knows how to stage things so that all looks well, wonderful since you’re not there to observe yourself. And it’s a tactic to make you doubt yourself. You’re broken up now and Presto! He’s changed, is a great father and human being now! Yeah, well, don’t be so quick to think that’s what is truly up. Personalities like this tend not to change but to change a disguise. Dr. Scott Peck in “People of the Lie” says you will know them by – the consistency of their inconsistencies. That’s very true. Good book btw. It’s the first one I give people when in this maze.

And you have to think about what this all says to the children – see….it was all your mum’s fault because now I’m so nice! I see sooo many men do that one.

Too, as far as you questioning things, it wasn’t all that bad, not as bad as other people’s, I couldn’t done this, etc. – is part and parcel of his manipulation. And they do it quite naturally. Keep us off balance, one day this mask, the next day that one. Changing masks sometimes in the same ten minute period until you’re just dizzy. Crazymaking. We want to make sense of it and we reach to blame ourselves.

What he is about has nothing to do with you. He basically can’t keep the nice mask on for long because it is work, it’s not natural. Then they weave it into our psyche that it’s our fault because they can’t keep it up. It takes alot of energy to be something that’s really not their true self and of course that nice mask is going to slip over time because it’s just too much trouble for them. One reason why they say we are high maintenance sometimes. You have to read between the lines on that one, eh?

Keep good communication going on with your kids. I have an uneasy feeling here. Pay very close attention to – the small things.

[Balloons]

Thank you, I found this very helpful and echoed a lot of what i thought was happening.. i have an uneasy feeling too xx

[Anonymous]

Going to post this a few places because it was a lightbulb moment for me… Sometimes finding the words for things, how you can you say blah, blah….

Something just hit me here, was watching a movie about a manipulative, very charming guy in this woman’s life, Fall from Grace on Netflix, who turned out to be a total snake….but, people who aren’t empathy based, who have none, I think we so believe that they do because of the pleasure they get conning us and lovebombing us in the beginning. We do see pleasure and I do think that’s very real, so it confuses us, but what we don’t know is it’s true orientation. What is it rooted in? We assume that they are like us and it’s because they love us, too and all that but what if the joy is related to a job/con well done? What if all that total loveliness that we see from them stems from that and that alone? Good question. We mistake it for something it’s not. Then later when things get ugly we get all confused about what we saw as real and we defend it. Well, it was real but “why” they felt all that may be a totally different reason than we assumed it was.

[Headspinning]

I totally understand your confusion about the 2 different sides to the same persin. How could they be so caring at one stage then act totally differently the next. We’re they faking all along to hook you in. Was any of it real. Am I the abuser? Could I have helped him get past done of his bad behaviour and be more of the good guy more often. If I had compromised more on some stuff. If i has shown more love and affection. Maybe it was all my fault and I changed too
And round and round the analysis goes!!!
I found reading about (detail removed by Moderator) helped me because it pretty much summed up my relationship.
Firstly the idolisation phase when they out you in a pedestal – at that point you are the shiny new toy, the grand prize, the person who is going to complete their life. I believe that my ex did believe that and was genuine in his endeavours to be with me.
But next comes the devaluation/ when your faults start to show and you are not so perfect – you are still spending time with friends, you are untidy, and suddenly you are not so great. Couple that with their huge sense of self importance and entitlement and suddenly you have friction. This can go on for years and the “friction can be verbal assaults, physical assaults or silent treatment. It varies. Finally it’s the “discard” – you are no longer serving your purpose so it’s over. They will be looking for their new shiny toy. Often it’s a fake discard – they say it’s over to punish you then reappear. This is when the hoovering begins and you see the elements that you remember from the start reappear.
I think (detail removed by Moderator) is like someone who’s emotional growth was stunted as a child. They never get beyond the self centred toddler demanding their own way. More to be pitied and definitely to be avoided.
So – in summary – I believe it is genuine to start (at least in my case) but I believe so e people don’t have the emotional maturity for an adult relationship with all its flaws and it manifests itself in various forms of abuse.
Did you abuse him? Probably not – you probably stood up for yourself. You probably snapped many times and shouted back (I know I did) but I wasn’t the initiator, I had the patience of a saint!
I would love my original guy back / I’ll always love that version of him and I’ll always be sad that he couldn’t control himself to have the relationship we had the potential to have.
But that’s his issues and I know he has repeated the same pattern all his life. If I let him come back I would lose all my peace and tranquility. I know he can’t and won’t change and I won’t go back to that life.

[Anonymous]

So, sooo glad Headspinning! It’s not worth it. You can’t unsee, unknow what you do now so you stick to your guns and keep moving on, okay?

[Author]

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