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Slowly coming to terms that my husband is abusive, even though he can be kind/caring/attentive husband and father.
We have just had another baby and I was thinking about his conception- we were using condoms and my husband kept insisting that he hated them because it felt better without them. I eventually gave in and made him promise to pull out… he didn’t pull out. I got pregnant. Is this abusive too?
Also, if there are huge gaps between angry episodes where a table is hit or a chair is thrown, are these still abusive episodes?
Still trying to get my head around it all and understand it all.
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Hi Pea
Yes, it’s all abuse. I wasn’t sure where the pregnancy fits into the law so I google it and found this.
What is reproductive coersion?
Unplanned pregnancy can happen in relationships where women don’t always have control over their sexual and reproductive lives. Partners (or others) can pressure women emotionally, psychologically or physically. It can be the pressure to:
have sex
get pregnant
continue a pregnancy
have an abortion.This is called reproductive coercion. This is a term that describes a range of pregnancy-controlling behaviours. These behaviours can include but are not limited to:
birth control sabotage (where contraception is deliberately thrown away or tampered with),
threats and use of physical violence if a woman insists on condoms or other forms of contraception,
emotional blackmail coercing a woman to have sex or to fall pregnant, or to have an abortion as a sign of her love and fidelity,
forced sex and rape 1.
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Please speak to Women’s Aid about what’s going on. It sounds horrific although you’ve probably kind of normalised much of his behaviour. It’s definitely abuse, and it sounds as though he’s raping you. It’s a horrible word. It’s really worth speaking to Rape Crisis about all of this.
It’s really important to keep records. Keep a diary. Useful also to get a cheap pay as you go phone
There’s so much support out there. You can dial 101 and ask for the Domestic Abuse team. They’re not police officers so won’t report what you tell them. They can guide you to support.
It’s a massive step to recognise their behaviour as abuse. It won’t change and will get worse and worse. None of this is your fault. Well done for reaching out. Baby steps.
Don’t tell your partner what you recognise about his behaviour. He will use it against you, and accuse you of the same. Abusers’ testaments should be understood as confessions. Please read up about Grey Rock. It basically means that you don’t tell him anything important, as you might in a normal relationship. He’s not the charming man you fell in love with.
He’s an abusive rapist.
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I know you’re right deep down, I’ve just never wanted to admit it. I finally talked properly to womens aid this week and then my local organisation. I’ve been given a support worker.
I think I’m struggling with finally facing the reality of the situation I’ve been living in for so long.He’s raped me loads of times I’ve realised, but could never admit to myself that’s what it was.
My body and emotions were trying to tell me this whole time, but I kept pushing the feelings down and trying to forget about them and focus on the good stuff.I’ve also remembered something he said to me a couple of years ago. He told me he first spotted me at a gig when I was (detail removed by moderator) years old and it made him ANGRY that I wasn’t HIS and that I had a boyfriend already. When I was (detail removed by moderator) he would have been 30ish years old! He is way more predatory than I let myself believe.
I still keep feeling bad for him though, which I know is ridiculous. My support worker is right, I have a form of Stockholm syndrome going on.
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The first time he behaved in an aggressive manner was a step over the line into abusive behaviour. Sometimes they scatter these episodes just enough to keep you in check. My ex physically hurt me a couple of times – grabbed me, threw things etc. To be honest the emotional stuff was the worst. The constant nagging and picking at me, shifting and swearing. It got worse as the kids got older.
These men use pregnancy to keep us trapped too x-
You’re right… I’ve only had 2 episodes with my husband where he was physically violent with me… Once he grabbed me and pinned me against a wall and the other was him throwing a bag of (detail removed by moderator) at me. The rest was mainly destruction of property during arguments, every now and then. That was enough to keep me in line and try and avoid it happening ever again.
I agree the emotional stuff might be worse for me too. Regularly being corrected, made fun of, humiliated in public… thats exhausting and taken its toll in a big way. I honestly thought until a couple of months ago that no one could understand me when I talked, I was rubbish at housework and chopping vegetables and was often irresponsible as a parent… I’m not. I’m still massively struggling with my confidence in talking to other people though.
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I remember being in a shop queue and him picking at me and belittling me. It was so humiliating when I saw a look of pity from someone stood next to me. In every other area of my life I was respected – at work, in my social circle – yet the person who supposedly loved me was treating me like a doormat. The last time he called me a c**t before I left it just played and played over in my mind. I had to log onto a work call and be professional after being verbally abused. Horrendous horrendous times x
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My ex is much older than me too. He’s punched my face twice. He didn’t smash things in an overt way; he just broke them.
I think we move through stages of abuse. At the beginning we are a victim. Then when we accept that it’s not our fault, we’re not alone, we become a survivor. That’s where I’m at. The next stage is moving on and into Thriving.
We all start in the same place. I’m so pleased that you’re working with Women’s Aid. It’s such a frightening time. The police are here to protect us, so please don’t be afraid to call them.
My ex used to talk at me, do sex at me.. Everything at me, not with me, and every now and again, doing something together, hoovering me back.
I thought I was just in a cr@p marriage, that I’d laid my bed.
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Pea you are so articulate. You are making perfect sense in everything that you’re saying.
It’s awful what the abuse does. By the end of my relationship my brain was so fried I would forget what I was saying mid-sentence, my train of thought, the topic of conversation just gone, poof! It was so awful. I thought I was losing my mind. I had no idea I was in abusive relationship for basically the whole thing(until things got so violent I couldn’t ignore it anymore) and the energy it was taking to minimise and block out his behaviour was just taking up all the available space in my brain.
That particular thing hasn’t happened since I left but I needed so much reassurance in the early days that I wasnt crazy. The psychological and emotional abuse was far worse for me than the physical too.
It does get better. I feel like a new woman these days, like I escaped that and now I can do anything. Still enjoying the small things like having a cuppa in bed and not being called lazy. Bliss😊
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It is those simple things that are stripped from is. It’s just horrendous to think that we couldn’t have a cuppa in bed. I used to get that too. Yet I had to take him one every morning while he lay in bed and read the news. I mean W*F?! Same if I wanted an afternoon nap on weekends even though I work full time in a demanding job. He had all the power yet I had to beg for a few simple pleasures. X
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Omg the naps! Same! My job was so busy and stressful, I was studying too and he could nap whenever he liked but if I did it? Well I never did anything, I was lazy, I contributed nothing, he was constantly running around after me…
I am so glad to be away from it😀 and I don’t even need the naps now I’m not exhausted running about after him all the time, I’ve so much energy I feel 10 years younger!
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Same! No need for naps and if I want one I can have one without fear of being called lazy, unable to cope with life etc. I actually cope very well with life thank you very much. He exhausted me with constant drama just because he could. He’d come home in a foul mood and be quite content doing my thing and then the whole mood would shift in the house and I’d get it for some made up excuse.
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My husband had a go at me once, accusing me of never doing anything around the house. I had spent the whole week weeding and digging the garden, as well as cooking all meals.
He doesn’t say it obviously like that any more, but he will get loads of house jobs done before I’ve got around to it and announce what jobs he has done, every day without fail.
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Just another tactic to undermine you 1) to make you feel dependent and 2) to make you feel incompetent. Anything done which appears supportive is a tactic and only serves to meet their needs to feel powerful and in control. My ex used to do all the DIY and yeah he was good at it (OCD traits) but then anything I did which was the basic running of the house day to day didn’t count. I’d always get “look what I do for you”. I once asked for a grown up conversation about equally sharing the housework and he went mental on me to the point I had to hide away in the bedroom. His tirade of verbal abuse went on into the early hours. My heart was nearly coming out of my chest with the anxiety of it all – all over a conversation over sharing the hoovering!
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Same with the DIY too @Hetty! And the hoovering/mopping. Identical reaction to having an adult conversation about it as well, hours long tirade. Are you sure you weren’t married to my husband too?😂
And @Pea mine used to do that too, do jobs around the house/ cook dinner when I wasn’t there (at work for instance, I barely went anywhere else) then have a go at me for not having done them and going on and on about all he had done…yeah ok, you deserve a medal for making yourself a meal and doing things to maintain the house that you also live in🤪
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That’s it, you were definitely married to my husband too @Hetty 😂😂
Maybe I need to add bigamy to the list😜
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Nothing would surprise me 😂. I actually used to fantasise that he’d meet someone else and leave me but unfortunately that never happened. He was much too comfortable abusing me and being looked after. He did used to threaten that if I didn’t give him more sex, or do certain things, he’d go elsewhere. Such an aphrodisiac (NOT). Sex had to be ok a schedule or he’d be in a foul mood. I would feel elated when it was over with cos he’d stop hounding me for a couple of days then the digs would start that I was frigid.
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Yeah the sex thing, the first job I had to do on waking up most days. Best to get it over with first thing was my thinking. Even that wasnt enough, towards the end, I think he sensed I relaxed afterwards- and we couldn’t be having that now could we? So he started following me into the shower, talking throughout the day of having sex again later, harassing me for sex just as I was nearly asleep at night etc.
And I thought the problem was me. My low libido because of work stress, exhaustion, the wrong birth control, depression…my fault like everything else. I had loved sex in my previous relationships, he even had to take that from me. I dont know how much he even likes sex thinking back, it was just another tool for him to exert power and control over me.
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Yes, I would get the constant taking about sex, grabbing and groping me. Told on a morning that he’d be wanting sex that night. Again, I used to think there was something wrong with me. My ex is a very handsome man but his abusive nature turned him beyond repulsive to me. I miss nothing about him other than him fixing my car and even then I’d never hear the end of it.
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@hawthorn @hetty this all sounds so similar to my experiences. Constantly talking about sex, how much sex he needs, how high his sex drive is, that all he can think about is what he wants to do to me. Even after we have sex, 5 minutes later he will say that he could go again.
In the first few years of our relationship, he would pressure me to sleep naked and for weeks on end I would be woken up multiple times a night to him having sex with me or touching me. It was exhausting. I started making a point of wearing pjs and slept as far away from him as possible.
The constant groping was awful. My husband is handsome too, but I’ve been trying to ignore the fact that for a long time he has repulsed me. Like I want to vomit after every time we have sex.
He will often say to me “how does it feel to have someone so attracted to you?” “It must be nice having someone that wants you so much”. I keep thinking no its not nice. I hate it and wish it would stop.I have for years thought I had a problem with sex, low libido, maybe even thought I was asexual or something at one point. But now I’m facing the reality that actually, I just don’t want him to touch me.
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Also, @hawthorn my husband follows me into the shower too. He will make comments and leer at me and sometimes try and touch me. I now immediately finish my shower and put a towel on, when I hear him coming.
He often stares at me. I find it really creepy.
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I had started locking the door and getting changed in the bathroom. When that was the source of another row I started getting up earlier and earlier. In the weeks before I left I was often up at 4:30am. The constant groping despite my telling him I didnt like it, the leering and often negative comments about my body. I have always been slim but I was emaciated by the time I left, a combination of stress and what I know now to be emotional anorexia. Controlling what I ate (or didnt eat) was all that was left me.
Same about the pjs too. I’ve slept naked since I was small but that had to change with him as I couldn’t cope with the constant groping. I wound up wrapped up like a mummy in bed! It’s so nice to be able to wear nothing in bed again😊
@Hetty I was there too in that dark place contemplating suicide. Not in an active way. More driving recklessly and thinking if I went off the road and died that would be ok, or out for a walk and hearing a car going past I would think out stepping in front of it. I just wanted a break from it all. I never told anyone at the time either. Big smile on my face, cracking jokes with my colleagues at work, counselling everyone else about their problems. The usual stuff.Remembering how low the relationship took me really helped me to limit contact and stay strong after leaving. Especially when my ex was threatening suicide. He’d trapped me and beaten me down with his threats of suicide for so long that I just stopped engaging with it. And guess what? He’s fine. Which I am glad about, theres a small part of me that still cares for him, for the broken abused little boy he once was and in some ways he still is. But he’s not my responsibility to fix. Never was.
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One more question for now…
I was asked during my risk assessment whether he has ever threatened me with a weapon.
He hasn’t, so I said no.
He does, however, historically have a fascination with weapons and its always made me uneasy.
I managed to convince him to throw away a (detail removed by Moderator).
However we do still have a (detail removed by Moderator) and a (detail removed by Moderator) in the home somewhere still.
I really can’t tell if I should be worried about this or not.
He has never ever threatened us with them. Not even hypothetically.
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This needs to be shared, Pea. Yes technically many things can be used as a weapon but why does he have these things? Do you know a lot about his past? Perhaps you could consider Claire’s law. I went through that process when I was planning to leave so I knew they o was potentially dealing with. It’s a very quick and simple process. I don’t want to frighten you but rule number 1 is not to underestimate risk. Stay safe x
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omg, the constant wanting sex, having to do it first thing every morning. I get it. He expected it every opportunity, even found a list he had written once of how often we had done it, opportunities when I should have made time but didnt etc. I love that I can now lie in on my days off and not be having to perform…
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