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    • #123036
      Busyditch
      Participant

      Hi, this is my first post. I’ve been with my husband for… a lot of years!! I don’t feel ready to tell my story here yet but here’s an interesting observation…

      I was completing the details to register here and came across the tick box stating ‘I am a survivor of domestic abuse’. I’ve never ever thought about it like that, in fact I still don’t consider myself a ‘survivor’ far from it. I would say I ‘exist’ but I don’t feel like a survivor.

      I found this interesting observation… just sayin’

    • #123043
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi my beautiful Angel … Busyditch
      Welcome… well done for posting
      I completely understand what you are saying about naming yourself a survivor, I myself, I think I look at it as more of just my life’s journey. I guess I never really saw myself as a victim either.
      It isn’t until we start to share our story that we realise how desensitized we became living with these men.
      So even if you don’t want to call yourself a survivor don’t ever underestimate what you have been through and how amazingly strong you are.
      Sending you love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #123048
      KIP.
      Participant

      Someone once said we are survivors because so many women are murdered or destroyed mentally by domestic abuse. So by putting one foot in front of the other we are surviving x living in survivor mode

    • #123053
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Busyditch

      Welcome to the forum! I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

      I just wanted to show you some support, I can see that Darcy and KIP have given really helpful replies. I can understand how you feel about calling yourself a survivor, it may feel different depending on where you are up to on your journey. At Women’s aid, we say ‘survivor’ as it emphasises a more active response to the abuse.

      If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #123059
      Sleepypigeon
      Participant

      Hi busyditch,
      Also new here and just wanted to say hi. I am so glad I found this forum and hope you are doing ok.
      I agree with kip, for me “survival mode” feels accurate.
      X

    • #123070
      Busyditch
      Participant

      Thank you for the replies, as I said in my post, I’m not surviving, I’m barely even existing. I guess that shows my state of mind.

    • #123078
      Lifeinterrupted
      Participant

      Hi busdyditch! Your description of “barely existing” is how I felt for sure.

      I’ve realised that the strength and courage it takes us to just exist in an abusive situation is immense….even though we don’t feel it at all. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for that.

      Keep reaching out to the forum, in whatever way feels comfortable to you. I’m glad you are here. Sending love and hugs x

    • #123079
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Hello @busyditch, and welcome!

      It looks like most of us feel the same…
      I was actually just reading another thread, where the poster said she kept wondering if she should stay and try to fix the relationship. I know that, by the time I finally left, I knew for absolute sure that I simply didn’t have it in me. I was a shell, a husk, didn’t feel like a person any more. I left. It took every ounce of strength I could muster and I felt SO strong and brave for having done it. I have definitely survived. But to be a survivor now, I must have been then as well. It is, as others have said, a question of continuing to put one foot in front of the other, and working gently towards your exit. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

      When you feel ready, we’re all here to help you through. X*x

    • #123080
      Busyditch
      Participant

      The fact that I’m here on this forum is a kick in the guts of reality. I think I have become accustomed to the abuse I can convince myself it’s ok… or it’s my own fault so I need to shut up and deal with it.

      Now having typed that I feel utterly stupid, my head is so messed up. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here, am I just confusing myself. 😭

      What a fkd up mess.

    • #123085
      Lifeinterrupted
      Participant

      Busyditch, it is absolutely not your fault. If you had the power to make someone treat you badly, you would also have the power to make them stop. They choose to treat you that way, please never feel you are to blame. But also please understand that most of us have felt or do feel that way. It’s what abuse does to you.

      Convincing ourselves that it isn’t that bad, normalising it….that is just the way our brain reacts to help us deal with what we live through. Its a defence mechanism to help us survive in the face of horrible treatment. Please believe there is nothing “wrong” with you. These feelings are a perfectly normal response to trauma. It befuddles our brain, that is why we feel so confused. I still feel like this at times, years later.

      It’s NOT you. This is hard stuff, but you aren’t alone. We are here for you xx

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