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I was feeling a bit “why me?”, wanting to wish away meeting him, gettting married etc, wishing I had been able to bring up my children in a healthy environment, how it’s all so unfair; when I came accross this quote from c.s. lewis:
“You can’t go back and change the beginnning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
I felt somewhat better – I am free of his abuse and I can go forward from here how I want to live my life. It will be a long road, but the important thing is that I’m already on that road! I’ve already changed the ending…
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Very true lover of no contact. My heart breaks for all the women and children who don’t survive or are still living the nightmare. I could so easily have still been stuck in my abusive marriage.
It’s ironic that he probably could have kept me dangling on a string for ever if he hadn’t kicked things into a higher gear of abuse. I was blind to his missuse of me, the FOG I was under. I had never even contemplated leaving. I was so locked in the cycle that I couldnt see the wood for the trees.
Yet, I still, even now I have processed so much, don’t quite yet lay all the blame at his feet. I still have sympathy for how he was brought up, how he was bullied at school, all the other excuses. “It’s just how he was – it wasn’t a concious choice”, blah, blah, blah… I was treated so poorly by him, why does it make any difference to me whether it was by unconcious ‘personality’ or deliberate choice?! Why won’t I allow myself to get angry, really and truly angry with what he has done to me and how awfully he has affected our children? It’s like I can lay most of the blame at his feet (but not all!) and then am unable to get angry about it…
Sorry, I guess I just opened another can of my worms… guess I know what to talk about at next counselling session…
xx
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Hi willibeok,
Just thinking about what you were saying, that you can’t put all the blame at his door and so can’t get angry. I’ve been feeling the same way and wondering if I was falling for his nice guy act again and being sucked in again.(I’m still with him but planning my escape)
I’ve been with him a very long time and thought about and even tried to leave once before. Each time I would tell myself the only way I can make this work is to bury the past and forgive him. I managed in the beginning, but a decade ago I found out he had an alternative definition for the word ‘lie’. I realised then that when he’d sworn on the Bible he’d never had an affair, he was lying.
It took me another decade to be ready to forgive him and offered to try one last time if he was willing to change. 2 weeks later whilst in counselling I she kept bringing up abuse and I looked it up online.
I never really believed he would admit anything or change for good, but I hated sneaking around planning to leave.
My point about what you were saying is that I feel that too and have been thinking about it a lot. I think it’s because we are compassionate, caring human beings and we are always quick to forgive and try to understand others, but make the mistake of seeing them like us. Except they aren’t. I was rationalising it as he may still care, just has a warped reality. We both call ourselves Christians, but have opposed ideas about what that means. To him it’s only important to go to church and spread the word as he puts it. He doesn’t abide by God’s laws or avoid sin. Whereas I try to be a good, caring person. He doesn’t see coercion as being wrong, but his right as my husband to guide me to obey him! So I too blame his upbringing and influences. However we all make choices and decisions every day. If they can see they are hurting us, mentally and physically, then it’s their choice to keep doing it. I struggled with trying to be a good Christian wife for years and years. Now I’m certain he’s wrong and have read passages that explain all my misconceptions (which he told me, quoting from the Bible). Yet even now I struggle to be really angry with him. I believe he was misled too. The difference is I questioned it, because I couldn’t understand why the God I believe in, who has guided me and gives me strength, could want me to be so unhappy and badly treated. Surely if he was a good person, he would have questioned it too. My sister says I’m too nice and too forgiving for this world. I don’t think so, but I do believe we do try our best to be good, loving, giving and loyal. They don’t try, they take but don’t give back once they have us trapped.
By making excuses for them, forgiving them, staying with them we’re telling them it’s okay and they are right and can keep doing it. Well it isn’t. It’s never okay to hurt others which is why I must leave. It’s also why we should both be angry with them for not seeing how much they hurt us and how wrong that is. Making one mistake is fine to forgive, that’s not abuse it’s being human. But they chose to keep doing it. Abuse is never okay and doesn’t deserve our forgiveness. We have to be strong and stop them.
I was bullied at school too, has been coerced by bosses, colleagues and even friends, but I choose not to guilt people into doing things for me, I’d rather struggle and do it myself. We all have choices, we have to take responsibility for those. My husband refuses to admit blame, take any responsibility. Did yours? -
Sorry I’ve been ranting on your positive post. What I should have done was put it in a positive way- you’re a lot like me and many others on here. We are good, caring, forgiving people which is fine. It’s more than fine it’s wonderful! However, when a good person makes a mistake we apologise and try our hardest not to make that mistake again, especially when we see we’ve hurt someone. This is absolutely fine to forgive. When abusers hurt us they don’t apologise, don’t try not to do it again, they do it all the more because they enjoy the power. This choice we do have to blame them for, if we don’t they will never learn that it’s Not okay.
But you have already left him I believe. You have shown him it’s not okay, but I’m thinking you shouldn’t forgive him or not blame him if he’s proved he’s changed -
That’s okay, Freedomfighter, I had kinda turned it a bit ranty myself!
I think it’s because we are compassionate, caring human beings and we are always quick to forgive and try to understand others, but make the mistake of seeing them like us. Except they aren’t.
The above rings so true for me. A lot of my realisations about my relationship are in hindsight – he was not a compassionate, empathetic man although he did a good job of convincing me of this. It was only when it suited his purpose. So much of his abuse was disguised as trying to help me, to better myself; when in reality it was to keep me cut down enough to function in life/our marriage without falling apart or standing up to him. It was all about him being right, Mr knows everything. He was superior to me – intellectually, emotionally (according to him).
I have no idea what blame my ex portions to himself- I suspect very little. I have been No Contact for some time now. In the days after he was arrested, I had some emails from him and these showed me what his feelings were – it was still all about him (his hurt feelings, his fears of spending time in police cell), tried to gaslight as to what happened just prior to his arrest. He forgave me for ‘my part’!! It took a number of days before he even said the word ‘sorry’ – though not what for. “Sorry for crushing your spirit? Sorry for drowning out your voice while sounding like I was giving you choices and a say? Sorry for making you feel like your feelings didn’t count by making you sound like a petulant teen when you complained about something? Sorry for being physically intimidating on purpose? Sorry for making you afraid to sleep in your own bed for weeks after? Sorry for making you so afraid that you went to the courts to keep me away? Sorry for raping you?”
I will never get a true apology from this man. This stranger I lived with, loved, and cared for for decades. I was brought up in a Christian household & schools, went to church every week until my mid-teens. And learnt all the ‘turn the other cheek’, ‘forgive others’, and ‘if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all’. I thought I was involved with a like-minded soul. He could be so gentle, so understanding. But by the end he was harsh and cruel. And when I finally saw under his mask he was so ugly!
Sorry, my turn to get ranty! I’ve kind of lost my thread now
…But in the end, I don’t know if he’s changed or not, and I never will as I’ll never let him near enough to hurt me again.
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“Life gets easier when we learn to accept the apology we will never get”
It took me a long time to feel real anger. I hadn’t been allowed to be angry when I was with him so I think that anger turned to depression when I was in an abusive relationship. My emotions went nuts afterwards and I still find it hard to feel real anger. It takes time. Don’t rush the healing process x I also feel anger is a waste of energy. I’d rather channel my energy on me and my healing x
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Thanks KIP x
I think you’re right about not rushing the healing process. I have a taste of what the future holds for me. I have come so far already – I just want to be done. Done with thinking about him – whether its analysing the past or noticing when I’m happy and thinking ‘oh yeah, I’m free’. I just want to be happy for happiness’ sake if you know wnat I mean?I want to be done with the divorce and move on with my life. But I know that if I ‘drive off into the sunset’ and not deal with what he did to me, it’ll come back to bite me later.
Must take it slow and not expect too much of myself or I risk burning out…
Xx
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The first while is chaotic with brain chatter, high alert, still trying to anticipate his next move, feeling vulnerable. Once you come out the other end you will see things totally different. My ex is just s pathetic excuse for a man in every way. Thats his shame nit mine. Im well aware how dangerous he is but i deal with that better now. Hang in there. Its a horrible process if recovery but at least its recovery x
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