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Is it the above if.. from past encounters with him,saying no or your not in the mood results in a bad mood, tense atmosphere. So you don’t say yes or no you just let it happen. I mean let it happen in the most unromantic way possible. No kissing just IT. Then once over, they walk out the room. This has been a constant for the last few years now I dont say no I just let it happen and disassociate, think about anything else than what is happening. The oven is not pre heated it’s just used.
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My ex used me too as a self cleaning torso with holes.
Well worth having a chat with Rape Crisis about this. It’s horrible, and it’s criminal. There’s no such thing as consent when we’re being used as an object. After all, when did you last ask the door if it minded being opened or asked the tap if it consented to being turned on.
We’re still inclined to believe that rape must come with the prefix, Brutal. So often it’s not like that. It’s a the coercion, the fear of worse.
Please speak to Rape Crisis. You’re not alone.
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Hi for much of my long marriage my ex would ask for sex (removed by moderator) until I did say yes but I got to the point where I didn’t answer just gave in as he would get angry and leave the bedroom slam the door (removed by moderator) ..i was rejecting him ..I could never have affection cuddles as he said it was too teasing ..also said it was his stress relief and he would sleep better ! I started to suffer anxiety when he came to bed or our adult son went out as I always felt so under pressure to comply ..like you I question was it rape 🤔 even after being out for a while now I’ve had councilling and some have said rape some sexual coercion ..but I do know now being in a normal relationship I get affection cuddles and if I’m too tired or ill there is no anger or feeling under constant pressure .. I totally understand your feelings and questions x
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This is a tough one.
My whole marriage has been like this. If i do say no he goes into a mood or gets nasty even pushing me thretening me. Hes even got me so drunk and had sex with me and i dont remember just woke up feeling sore. I can say no and he will carry on and so i dont stop him. Rape?? I dont know but what I do know is its wrong and you do not deserve to be treated this way at all. Reach out and ask for help sweetie cause this cant carry on. Xxxx -
Everyone on this thread is describing rape. I recently blamed myself for a sexual encounter I have no memory of whatsoever. No nothing. I was shocked that I blamed myself for his behaviour, and that somewhere, I still believe in Rape Myths. I think so many of us prefer to think of rape as someone leaping out of a bush and dragging us back into it and raping us at knife point. It’s safer than the hideous reality that rape happens mostly at home, with the person we believe we trust, in the place, our beds, where we should feel safest. Rape Crisis is a brilliant resource. It’s really important not to minimise and normalise these hideous violations. It’s rape.
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Drunk: just made me remember why I don’t drink, every time I have been drunk..and I mean sick drunk he has had his way, despite having vomited. Even trying A. Wow everything you say just hits home. This mainly happens (removed by moderator). Then leaves afterwards, before I’m even dressed again. The degradation of being left half undressed ( as why remove the top half when you only need the bottom) wondering just w*f just happened. I just zone out, clean up and go back to whatever household chore I was doing.
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It’s absolutely horrible. It took me over 20 years to report an historic rape. This most recent event has dragged that up.
I’ve reported rape to the police for the usual reasons. The behaviour belongs to them, and they’ll do it to the next person and the one after…. The least that will happen is that it’s on public record. They’ll go through the options of what you and they can and can’t do and if you want to make a statement. Hopefully you’ll be given an ISVA to hold your hand through any investigation. The ISVA service is also a gateway to other help and support. You probably have a local service which you can contact without reporting to the police.
The worst part of reporting to police is the not knowing. Although very few cases end up in court, they’re working on making the experience a bit less terrifying and retraumatising for the witness. I know that the men who raped me had done it before, although so often it’s not reported because we make it feel normal to be dehumanised and used. Who knows what’ll trigger someone to speak to the police?
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It’s also like a routine which must happen after x amount of days. I wake up in the morning and I think ” ugh its sx day” and I know that instigating it to get it over with is probably better than waiting for him to pounce. Or am i just a saddest with a very warped way of thinking about things.
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Also since his last escalation, it seems like he wants it constantly and I can barely cope with it right now.
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I had this throughout the years and I think it was sexual abuse now I reflect back on our relationship. He would angrily sigh and turn the opposite way if I ignored his advances, or storm out the room. I’d be given the silent treatment the next day. He would say I’m not normal, for years he made me believe something was wrong with me because I didn’t want it often enough or didn’t enjoy it. I would dread bed times knowing it had been x amount of days and he’d be expecting it again. If I didn’t, and a few days went by, I’d feel so awkward and guilty and there’s be tension in the air. I used to just do it sometimes to get it over with knowing things would be good for a while after. I don’t know if anyone else would consider it abuse, but personally I feel like it was because I realise all of my thoughts around intimacy had been altered because of the experience, and he made me truly believe I was broken.
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I just wanted to add something that happened (detail removed by Moderator).
Ive been inwell so sex hasnt been available for him for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks he keeps asking for relief in other ways but this time im sticking to no. Hes been fowl about it not even concerned about me. He went on and on about how im making him feel like i dont love him cause i wont release him how if i loved him i would.
He had a few beers and said he was gonna rape me. He wasnt serious im 50% sure of that but what he said hit me he said (detail removed by Moderator)?
That hit me hard why would your husband even think that? We went to bed and he continued to lush and beg and try but i remained firm he got angry called me a b***h and threw some stuff then went to sleep. This morning hes all nice scratching my back and hugging me. Im numb.
Thats not right is it? -
bumblebee,
This definitely not right…….if he loved you, he would not demand in this way, he is more than able to relieve himself, if he so wishes!My ex never used the term rape, he cried when I told him he raped me more than once.
The first time, was a huge shock, (detail removed by Moderator), and he was upset, turning to angry, because we hadn’t had sex in over (detail removed by Moderator) weeks……
He caught me, when extremely exhausted, had his way, rolled off, thanked me and was snoring, almost immediately…..
Meanwhile, I was left shocked, stunned and (detail removed by Moderator)…….
At our routine (detail removed by Moderator) check, I had to answer about sex life – is everything normal? Well, what could I say? Yes, but it was rape? No, he raped me? Or, as I chose, yes, everything is fine!
Which left years of vacant, just don’t say no. There is no point.
In the end, before leaving, his touch repulsed me, but I couldn’t understand why, I had irradiated it from my mind, the final time, after deciding to voice my no, he ramped it up a fair few notches – leaving a come on line, from me, as I lay down on the bed – (detail removed by Moderator)…….Everything described above, on all posts, is a form of rape, sadly they only think of themselves.
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Oh my gosh my heart breaks for you it really does Im so glad you left sweetie. Thank you for sharing that.
He has forced himself on me many times he has also gotten me so drunk ive not remembered anything but woke in pain he uses sex as a weapon. Im sure he was joking or am I it was the words he said after about how id never fight him off or who would i tell almost like he has been thinking about it. Not sure if im overthinking this.
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A lot of this sounds familiar to me too.
Him going on and on until I give in. Threatening to get it somewhere else if you don’t. Saying that he has a right to sex. The angry silences the next day.
Me just giving in to shut him up. Trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Feeling glad when I was on my period – sometimes even lying about my period. Sometimes he’d question if I was on my period?
It all sounds so wrong now?!
@nbumblebee
Stay strong nbumblebee. Please get help if you need to. Xx -
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bumblebee,
One day, you will just decide – no more, I am through with this.
Until that day comes, just remember what he said.
I have been told to keep a diary, of dates, times and what happened, as a form of proof, don’t make it obvious, it might help in the future choices, or it may not.
The bad times are aftermath, it remains until you are able to fully deal with it.
Take care, xx
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This is another thread in which I can relate to but I was too scared to ask, mainly I was scared of the answer. I was told in the past that sex is the way he shows his affection, and it’s with-held if I’ve been ‘bad’. I don’t particularly want to, but he thinks I enjoy it, and I enjoy pleasing him. I do it to keep him calm, and also to try and keep some sort of human contact as he no longer hugs or kisses me. I always thought if I’m still having sex with him then I must love him, and must forgive him, or actually he must forgive me. It’s reassuring to know others in similar situations are doing the same, because we know better than to say no. He is surprised when he talks to his friends and sees that 2-3 times a week is not normal and neither is bj’s on tap (I hate this word, but I want to be honest). I am of course called a s**t or easy, and belittled a lot, so much it’s most robotic and I think about my plans for the day.
I’m sorry we are all experiencing the same thing. X-
@selfish never be afraid to ask anything ever here it will help you learn this isnt right and you dont deserve what he does.
Stay safe xx
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Oh my, bjs on tap, I had forgotten about those. I have forgotten so much of what happens in this department. Stupidly told him previous experiences, which are used against me..you must have loved him more cause you won’t do that with me. Etc etc. (detail removed by Moderator) Even unwell I have to oblige.
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Ah yes, I remember my ex telling me that sex was his way of showing affection. Ha ha. It’s horrible. It’s not love. It’s them having a wa*k and not having to clean up afterwards. It’s also rape when we have no choice. It’s rape when we find them poking around inside us when we’re asleep. It’s coercion. My ex used to make me watch him. It was grim. I didn’t know what I was doing there and was afraid to leave. (detail removed by Moderator) These men are only disgusting.
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As his signs of affection, and I think his panic of realising I could be planning to leave, he’s been trying hard to ‘please me’ and honestly I just can’t. I’ve been criticised so much about down there that the thought of him touching me makes me want to cry. Again though I’m was back to the guilt that maybe he is trying, it was swiftly ended this evening though. Like he’s done enough now, so normality can resume. Am I disappointed…yes, am I happy that I might stop being touched, yes. I’ve much rather do the BJ deed than fake being intimate. I just want my body to be mine again. I won’t lie, it was putting doubts in my head about leaving when he was trying hard to be nice, especially as it’s lasted a good few days now, but it looks finished now.
How on earth do we deal with this side of things until we get away. Especially if he wants to show love rather than just have his needs satisfied. -
It’s very difficult to deal with the effects of abuse while we’re sharing a household.
These abusers don’t ‘do’ love. They’re missing the empathy chip so they can’t.
Many abusers can do an approximation of love. Some of them are very good at sex. They’re terrible at intimacy. My ex was only ever terrible at sex, and even when it was consensual, it was only ever about him. Sadly, when we go to bed with an abuser, consent is left at the door.
There are plenty of other ways of showing love and affection than with a penis and a vagina. Over the years we spent together, we spent many in separate rooms, because he’d raped me. Then I’d get back together with him and the cycle would continue. There was a trigger to my reporting him to the police. In the end, the withdrawal of any affection was part of the abuse. The children suffered terribly.
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Maddog, so true, sharing a house is hard. Luckily we’ve slept in separate rooms for a long time now due to the kids, but I would never go back to sharing with him now. When I know he’s asleep it’s the only time I feel safe and can relax. I could cope with just being used for his needs, as I could detach myself, but I couldn’t fake the intimacy he was looking for before as I just wanted it over. It’s so sad we can relate to this type of abuse.
It’s started to affect my older child now, she makes little comments about being sad for me, and saying I just need to say I’m sorry to him. X*x
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