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    • #49074
      purplelavender
      Participant

      I’m new here and really need someone to turn to who will understand and not judge and blame me…

      The creature who raped me, stole from me & my family, collected child porn images and abused me (all in (detail removed by Moderator)), got OTHER WOMEN to harass me and bully me in (detail removed by Moderator) for reporting what he did and accuse me of “lying”, and he himself later assaulted me in (detail removed by Moderator) in (detail removed by Moderator) for DARING to report his crimes to the police after it happened…
      Well, he has now started working A (detail removed by Moderator) MINUTE WALK AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.
      I’ve been severely agoraphobic since (detail removed by Moderator).

      It cannot be a coincidence; he is hell-bent on “revenge”.
      The police failed to protect me or prosecute him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
      I was (detail removed by Moderator) when it first started.

      And now after voicing my concerns to family, I’ve been told to “leave it” and “let sleeping dogs lie”.
      *I* am being told not to “stir it up again”.
      I’m sorry but how disgusting!?
      How dare they say that!
      This THING has destroyed so much of my life, and now he’s here, and I’M being told “not to stir things up”.

      The victim of multiple crimes – who got no justice – is the one being told “not to stir it up”??
      And NOT the person who “coincidentally” relocated A (detail removed by Moderator) MINUTE WALK FROM MY HOME!?
      No actual real purpose to be there.
      This is not a coincidence, surely.
      Once again I’m not safe, I’m being tormented, and everyone only cares about ME “not causing trouble”?!

      I never caused it in the first place.
      My parents said “It’s all about you isn’t it? You have to be a victim.” My dad also said “he’s obviously more intelligent than you then.” When I said I wanted to report it to his boss or even just get advice from SOMEWHERE on what to do? My mum was raped too, many years ago and “got over it”, so I’m also getting: “it’s been nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years why can’t you let it go? Mum did so why can’t you?” !!??
      I can’t believe they would say that.
      I’m disgusted and hate myself even more. I’m sick of being blamed!
      I lost friends over this happening to me, I’ve lost my entire life!
      I can’t cope anymore… I’m at breaking point. I don’t want to be here anymore :'(
      HOW can these people move on with their lives and everyone thinks they’re good people whilst their victims are left to suffer for life? With no justice. No safety. It’s not fair

    • #49075
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Purplelavender,

      I’m very sorry to hear about what you have been through, it sounds awful. It sounds like the police have been very disappointing so far, but I would ring them again, and tell them that he has started working near to your house and that you feel scared and unsafe. If he was a former partner, ask to speak to the domestic violence unit who are better than the regular police (I felt let down by the regular police too, they really need much more training in crimes against women).

      I would also recommend not asking your family for support on this topic, as it sounds like they are not able to provide it. They may be thinking they are helping, but what they have said is unhelpful so I can see why you are upset about their comments. My mum told me I could get in trouble for ‘wasting police time’ when I was considering reporting my ex so I get where you are coming from. I ignored her and reported him anyway, and am going low contact with my family as unfortunately they are quite emotionally abusive themselves.

      Do you have any trusted friends you can talk to about what happened and how you feel? There are some excellent helplines with people who understand, like the national domestic abuse helpline and rape crisis helplines. I ring the Samaritans when I need to talk to someone about what I went though, and always find them helpful, kind and understanding and always feel better after speaking to them. There is also Victim support so give them all a try. It is important to allow yourself to feel the feelings and to get validation for them. What you went through was a horrific trauma and you have every right to feel angry, upset, traumatised and to not want to see this man ever again, let alone have him near your house.

      Keep posting and accessing the support.

    • #49077
      purplelavender
      Participant

      Thank you for replying, Subshinerainflower.

      It will be (detail removed by Moderator) years in (detail removed by Moderator) and since the police took no further action, will my contacting them make any difference?
      Yes he was a former partner. He was my age at the time which made it worse! A teenager abusing a teenager like that. It doesn’t bear thinking about…
      But yes he was absolutely emotionally and mentally abusive, but at the time I didn’t understand. I just knew it was wrong and I was miserable, I got the entire blame from him and his ‘flying monkeys’ and others he had manipulated and charmed. So many people painted me as “crazy and controlling” and “a liar” because of lies he’s told, that no one believed me!
      Now I know that was typical textbook abuse.

      I don’t think my parents care.
      I truly don’t.
      To be honest, they’ve been pretty useless and abusive themselves (emotionally, mentally, verbally and physically). I don’t really have anyone to turn to.
      Nobody replies to me…
      I see a therapist but she’s on holiday, so my upcoming appointment was moved to next week.
      And I really need SOMETHING to help me hold on but I have nothing…

      I’m not sure I can get help now? Isn’t it too late?
      I was let down when I reported it at first so I don’t think anyone will help me. Nobody seems to care at all.

      It’s destroyed my life but people are more focused on pointing out what’s wrong with me, than helping me.
      I know I’m a loser and worthless, a failure at life.
      I can’t even leave my house! 🙁
      Nobody wants to help me so I think I’m giving up On myself

    • #49078
      purplelavender
      Participant

      Sorry, I misspelled your username, SunshineRainflower *

    • #49079
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      It sounds like an awful ordeal and I am not surprised you are upset. It is very typical of these abusers to use smear campaigns. They lack empathy and a lot are pathological liars, and will try to destroy anyone who gets in their way. I am not sure of your situation, but apart from reporting him to the police, it is best to go 100% no contact with him and anyone he knows – don’t try to tell them what he’s really like, or ‘out’ him as an abuser or anything like that, because it just re-engages them and they will continue to abuse you. It doesn’t mean forgetting about what he did, it just means re-channeling it in a different way, one that will help you, keep you safe and help you to heal and move forward.

      It sounds like you might have some depressive thinking styles, which are clouding your vision and making you feel worse. I say this as a long time sufferer of depression who has to watch her thoughts in case they start spiralling down again.

      You’re not a loser, or a failure, and people do care. A lot of these services are overstretched, and it can appear that they don’t have time/don’t care, but I can guarantee it isn’t the case. I had to fight to get the support I needed, I rang and rang and rang, and managed to get a really good DV support worker, and now a counsellor, but I turned down two counsellors before that who I didn’t feel comfortable with, and have also felt let down by a police officer, most of my friends, a gp and a support organisation manager. There are good and bad eggs out there and many people in between, but there are a lot of kind people who care, it’s just about accessing them.

      The national domestic abuse helpline and the Samaritans are both open now, could you give them a call? I rang the Samaritans them just last night, and it really helped me a lot. I have rung them quite a lot and they never mind, and always listen, are kind and give me some wise advice that helps me to keep going. I think some of the other helplines will be open tomorrow, and all will be open on monday. A lot stay open until quite late, if you search in google you can find all their opening times and plan when to call. Some of them let you email to get a call back too if it’s busy.

      Since he was a former partner I would definitely ring the police about it, you can ring them on 101 ro discuss it and ask to speak to a someone from the domestic abuse team.

      You’re going through a really bad time, and are bound to feel very low right now, but you can get through it to the other side, you won’t always feel this way. We are always here on the forum, and understand. I care, we all care. Definitely give the helpline and the Samaritans a call, I believe the helpline is also 24 hours so you can ring them anytime and get to speak to a kind person and get it all out. Don’t give up, keep going, and keep posting.

    • #49081
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hello and welcome. You can ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. The helpline number on here is great too. Some people really don’t get it. My rapist was my ex husband and he still feels entitled to come near me. (detail removed by Moderator) It might make you feel a bit safer. Or a solicitor letter warning him off. Contact your local women’s aid too for support. My best friend was my biggest disappointment. Telling me to get over it and move on. I moved on from my ex quickly. What I couldn’t move on from was the trauma he left me with. It must be a real shock to see him so close. These men have a warped sense of entitlement. If you go for a civil order tell your solicitor all about the fear and distress he puts you under. How he is destroying your mental health and you find it hard to leave the house now. Don’t forget how strong you are to have survived x

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